I recently posted here that I felt I was falling out of love with my partner after he came home from a long trip and went straight out to do his hobbies I had asked if anyone else had gone through this?
There were a lot of comment and opinions and a few requests to update so here I am!
Firstly, there was a LOT of context missing and I apologise for that. It was my first time posting something that felt personal on Reddit and I didn’t want to air too much ‘laundry’ so don’t get into it too much. Important things to note:
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When I said he’s avoiding adulting, it’s specific things that are impacting him right now not everything to do with adulting.
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There are long term mental health issues that impact him in terms of showing affection that I do take into account but it’s hard to see past.
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He’s been weaning off his anti-depressants (with GP approval) so things he’s been avoiding / ignoring and hasn’t felt for years are creeping back in.
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This trip was something he had to do to sort out some ongoing life admin that needed to be done.
Anyway the update.
We spoke about how I was feeling after he picked up that I was a bit off both in person and over text. I said that I was upset because he didn’t think to stay in with me when he got home and he was upset because of the very frosty welcome I gave him (not engaging when he came home and gave souvenirs etc). He said that he was excited to come home and send that bit of time together before he left but I gave him nothing. We came to the agreement that we both had expectations we didn’t communicate and both ended up disappointed. I’ll admit I was more sensitive than usually due to hormones so deffo looked deeper into things than I needed to do.
We spoke clearly and honestly about where we stand in the relationship and how I feel and I said that we need a couples therapist to help us communicate without other things getting in the way and he need individual therapy to sort out some defence mechanisms he’s built up. I also told him that when he avoids things because he’s adulting, he’s unknowingly leaving me to handing the life admin he’s avoiding alone. He didn’t realise he was doing this and didn’t think he had to include me because ‘they’re his problems’ but I said ‘bruh, we’re in a relationship. Your problems are my problems especially if they’re affecting your mood around me.’
For now, things are more or less back to normal. We both apologised, him for being distant and me for a pretty stupid thing I said over text. Sorry to disappoint many of you but I don’t think a break up is the solution. Bottom line is we do love each other. He’s not avoiding me but we need to work on our communication (which used to be amazing) and that starts with both of us working on ourselves individually. I am going to be very hot in the fact that he needs to be in therapy and this will probably be the deciding factor in a future break up. Marriage and kids are on the back burner until this is sorted but I honesty don’t see myself with anyone else and have seen what an amazing person he is when things are okay.
One sucky thing is that while away, he’d resolved to get his act together and was coming back to tell me this when I gave him the frostiest welcome home of all time. I’m disappointed in myself for knocking the wind from him because of something I kinda perceived in my head but we did do a huge tidy up / clean up together yesterday before he went out for his evening hobby. He came back feeling much better and his usually self so I do see the value of it. I know it helps he get out of his own head so I don’t want him to stop going. Just have a bit of balance and put the same energy he puts into selecting his Gundam deck into the relationship 😅
I can’t imagine I’d need to update again but hopeful my next post, if any, is a positive one! Thanks again for all the advice and help given 🙂
FINAL UPDATE:
I didn’t want to make a whole other post so editing to update.
We had another chat today. Basically I realised we were stuck in a particular cycle while we were out together and that was what I couldn’t get past.
When we got home, I had a totally transparent chat with him about us being stuck in a cycle (he puts little effort in -> I bring it up -> he gets defensive because he thinks I’m saying he’s not good enough) and how I feel he’s not being an equal partner in the relationship. He heard me. He listened. We decided on the actions we both need to take going forward and clarified expectations for each other most importantly what I mean when I say ‘effort’. He wasn’t defensive. He didn’t take it as criticism. He listened and has made a plan of a games evening for us including teaching me how to play one of his hobby games. He’s just built me a deck based on a card I liked.
There were a lot of comments calling us both out. Deciding we were both in the wrong and honestly, I don’t ask. I knew we both contributed the problem and wanted advice on how to resolve it. I honestly think it’s resolved. The conversation we had today covered topics I felt I could only discuss in front of a couples therapy. I was completely honest and laid out every ‘bad’ thought I’d had about our relationship. How I thought it was abusive at the start and felt like I was giving everything to the relationship while he gave nothing even covered. He heard every concern I had and addressed it, explaining his side and thinking behind his actions. I understand more about him now than I did yesterday so I’m happy with the outcome of this. While it might look like I’m ignoring the problems, him making plans to go out (the original issue) was a ‘symptom’ not the ‘disease’ and we’ve tackled the ‘disease’ today. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice and well wishes. Appreciate it. I hope to never have to post here again. Not quite ready to have my choices and my relationship dissected