I’ll try to keep this concise but it’s complicated so bear with me.
My wife and I met through a matchmaker about 3 years ago and got married last year. Same cultural and religious background. Genuinely good people on both sides. She loves me; I don’t doubt that for a second. And I love her. That’s what makes this so hard to write.
But I’ve lost myself inside this marriage and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going.
Before I met her I had built a life I was genuinely happy with. My own place, my own routine, my dog who I raised from a puppy and who means everything to me. I was settled in a way I hadn’t been before. I wasn’t looking to be rescued or completed. I just wanted to share something good with someone.
What I didn’t fully understand going in was how differently we each see what marriage actually means.
She believes that when you’re married, the couple comes first — above individual preference, above personal space, above independent decisions. I found this out gradually rather than all at once. She told me recently, during a conflict about a health decision I was making about my own body, that if I wanted to make decisions for myself I should have stayed single. She’s also told me that privacy in marriage is wrong and that wanting it means I’m hiding something.
So now my life looks like this.
My dog, who I had years before I met her and who she knew about from the very beginning, has become a constant source of conflict because of her contamination anxiety. I redesigned our entire living space to create a dog-free zone for her — I thought that was a reasonable compromise. The rules have kept expanding anyway. She uses cameras in our home to check whether I’m following hygiene protocols when she’s not there. She once messaged me in the middle of the night from another country because she didn’t see evidence on camera that I’d wiped his paws after a walk.
Last night we argued because I wanted to make a minor purchase — about £10 — for a personal hobby. She said I should wait days until she gets home since I've bought it earlier and it's in her backpack (she's currently traveling) rather than spend the money. She insisted on it and became upset when I held my ground. I got frustrated that this is not something that should be a discussion point, it's such a small meaningless thing. This is not unusual. Every small independent decision I make becomes a discussion requiring her input or agreement.
I feel like I’m performing a version of myself rather than living. A close friend’s reaction when I described my life was to laugh in disbelief and say that doesn’t sound like you at all. People close to me have noticed I seem depressed. My work has suffered.
What makes it complicated is that she has said multiple times herself that we’re incompatible, that love isn’t enough, that we both deserve different lives. She means it when she says it. Then she pulls back. I think we both know the truth but neither of us has said it plainly yet.
I've reached a point where I don't want to continue the marriage, I feel like I've lost myself but the thought of breaking her heart and letting her down, plus the reaction of my family is what's stopping me from making this step.
TLDR: Almost a year into an arranged marriage and I’ve lost myself inside it. We have fundamentally different views on what marriage means — she believes individual autonomy ends at marriage, I don’t. Every small independent decision becomes a conflict. She has said multiple times herself that we’re incompatible and I’m starting to believe she’s right. Significant financial and family planning decisions coming up soon that make timing feel urgent. Looking for outside perspective.