im sure im alone in this idea. but for the longest time, i have felt this… inability to motivate myself not to do something, by normal means. such as, not eating junk food. i had tried pausing any time id get a craving, it never worked. the only thing that ever worked was snapping a rubber band on my wrist. this was when i was much younger.
im much older now, and its escalated. i like to think i am well adjusted, motivated, strong. but when i begin to fail, it does almost feel like i deserve a thrashing. i keep a cat of nine tails, not for anything sexual as im not a sexual person whatsoever. i prefer people to not look at me in that way. but the act is almost…. liberating. the sweating, the pain is very motivating to me. im not entirely sure how to put it into words, but it feels deserved. it feels like i had found the one thing that works for me. its biblical to me. as i am a Christian man. not "follow my religion or die" type, but i think alot of ideals of christianity translate to my life. i know its an incredibly cliche and ridiculous notion, used by man children that just figured out that running a couple miles hurts. but i really do believe that pain is weakness leaving the body.
i decided to write this out, ive been watching alot of Criterion collection movies, and in one of the movies its shown. i had wondered if id ever find someone that i could share this act with, and they wouldnt try to change me, or think im incredibly weird. trying to see it in this way did turn me on, which to me, defeats the purpose? what do i do?