Hello everyone.
I (30F) met a guy (37M) at a thrift store where he worked. We ended up spending a long time together trying on jackets, joking around, talking about hobbies, touching casually, etc. The chemistry felt extremely natural and playful. He gave me his number and I texted him the next day.
The thing is that i’m a very slow burn person romantically. tension, unfolding, getting to know someone gradually. I’m actually very romantic and sensual but I don’t like rushing intimacy because I’ve done that in the past and usually ended up hurt or disconnected from myself. I also really really enjoy my single life, so for someone to enter it has to feel right and peaceful.
During our date I gave a lot of subtle cues about this:
– I told him I don’t like men who come on too strong.
– I said relationships are like a seesaw and need balance
– said I’m very peaceful single and someone has to add to my life
– joked that I’m a “slow drinker” both literally and metaphorically
– explicitly said there was no rush and that I wouldn’t go to his house or him to mine
the first part of the date started AMAZING. We met at his store first, he showed me clothes, flirted, drank beer after closing time, joked around, etc. It felt lighthearted and flirty.
But then the went for dinner and everything shifted when he started constantly touching me, kissing me repeatedly, touching my waist, hugging me all the time, holding hands, implying multiple times that I should go home with him, talking about future stuff (“I’ll cook for you”, “I want to support your dreams”, “help me furnish my apartment”, etc).
At first I tried to gently redirect it or say no playfully, but it kept happening. At some point I told him directly that I felt pressured and overwhelmed.
He stopped pushing the “come home with me” thing after that, but he stayed very physically affectionate and clingy afterward (constant touching or trying to kiss while playing pool, etc) and by then my attraction was kind of diminished because I no longer felt emotionally seen or attuned to.
The weird thing is that I WAS attracted to him, actually think he’s a good person but the pacing made my nervous system shut down and i was completely exhausted after our date.
the relationships where I’ve fallen hardest usually started very slowly and awkwardly like intension building over weeks, not rushing kissing or sex, emotional space, gradual trust, desire becoming stronger through time.
So I’m now wondering am I too sensitive or intolerant around pacing?
Is this avoidant behavior?
Is this just a normal dating mismatch?
How do you distinguish between someone who simply got super enthusiastic vs someone whose relational style is incompatible with yours?
I ended up sending him a kind but direct message saying I felt our pace toward closeness was too different and that I didn’t want to continue romantically. I guess I’m grieving the potential because the beginning felt genuinely beautiful.
EDIT: Also I’ve been single for almost 3 years and this dynamic of men coming in too strong has happened like 5 times in that span of time and I end up cut it off because i feel too pressured to go to their house or kiss or do stuff i’m not ready for despite there being potential.