I fell in love with this man, but I couldn’t confess at first because I had just lost my mom. I wasn’t mentally stable enough to love somebody’s son properly, so I decided to work on myself first.
After a year, I finally confessed to him, knowing that this is his last semester in college. I told him I liked him, and he said he was open to talking and that he was single. We’re both in our early 20s, but he’s older than me.
So we started texting, and I was the one who asked him out first. We spent almost 5 hours together until the mall closed just talking and window shopping. He paid for our first meal, and I really liked his personality. He was calm, kind, playful, and easy to talk to.
Before we went back, I jokingly told him he should plan what we do for our next meeting. Then, he suggested playing board games something we talked about during our first outing. We spent hours talking before playing games together, we eat first before we went to the board games place. I paid for the food, and he paid for the games. It honestly felt so natural and comfortable.
One night, I was ranting about being hungry and not knowing what to eat. He suddenly asked if I wanted anything, cause he will eat dinner outside and I ask him to buy me a meal and he actually queued for 40+ minutes just to buy me that food. The effort really made me feel like maybe this relationship was going somewhere.
Another time, I cooked for him because he once told me he wanted to try my cooking. After giving him the food, I asked if he wanted to study together at a new library I wanted to try. At first he rejected because he had class, and honestly I was a bit sad. But a few days later, he asked if I still wanted to go there with him. I was SO happy 😭 We spent some time studying but we ended up playing in that bookstore, get to know each other and we had dinner there, again he pays for it.
There’s one time where there’s a girl cooks for him, and he told me about it. Then I was quite upset and told him about how I feel (we are not dating) and he apologised for not considering my feelings and he told me that she cooks for everyone and the promise was before he know me. Then i told him maybe I’m not in a position where I should feel this way, then he reply “no your feelings are valid”
We ended up studying together a lot, especially during study break when all my friends went home. We studied from evening until morning for 3 days straight. What I noticed about him was how respectful he was. He never tried touching me unnecessarily. Even when he wanted my attention, he’d just lightly knock on me with a pen instead of touching me directly.
While studying together of course we will need to have dinner together and he also kept paying for my meals, which confused me because technically we weren’t dating yet. Whenever I asked for his bank account to pay him back cause I wasn’t comfortable with it, he’d just say “nevermind.”
Then 3rd day when we study together we argued over something really stupid screen time.. He looked at mine, but when it was my turn, he refused to show me his. I got upset and quiet the whole night, I felt quite unfair. The next morning, I woke up to a text from him apologising if he had hurt my feelings, and I just brush off my feelings cause it’s just screen time and I don’t really mind..
That same day was the first day of ramadhan, and he asked me out for iftar. I was honestly so happy. We went to the mall, and he kept making sure I was comfortable. We agreed to eat at this one restaurant, the tables were too cramped and before I even said anything, he noticed my discomfort. He asked if I really wanted to eat there, and when I said no, he apologised to the waiter and brought me somewhere else instead. And the restaurant walkway was too narrow, then he asked the guy who was seating to move his chair a bit cause I need to walk through it..Small things like that made me fall harder for him.
After we ate, he said that “we came here just to eat?” (he wishes to do something else) so we ended up spent hours together that night playing Lego until the mall closed.
As time passed, we both got busier with finals. Before his exams, I gave him pastries and handwritten notes. I also gave him a keychain before that with handwritten notes. Our texts slowly became drier, but we still talked.
Then one day, I told him that I wanted to go to this food festival with him and he agreed but he told me that after we both finished our finals. But before we went there, I did told him that I wanted to see him before the day we went to food festival, he agreed but then he ended up not coming and leave me on read till 2-3 am he chat me saying that he fall asleep and didn’t hear the alarm.. which lowkey feel like he kinda want to avoid me? (but I did asked him again and he said that he actually didn’t hear his alarm, and he did apologise)
Back to the day we went to the food festival. On the train, we played games on his phone and suddenly he told me he liked my eyes…Later, while we were on the escalator, the sunlight hit my face and I was squinting, he covered the sunlight for me and smiled. I swear my heart melted. (and he always said that he likes my perfume everytime we met, last time I give him keychain and sprayed my perfume and he said that he fall asleep with the keychain cause he keeps on smelling it)
At the food festival, he still paid for my food. My chicken was hard to eat, and I told him that I’ll just give up on this cause it’s so hard..and instead of ignoring it, he helped me shred the chicken.. While we were talking, he folded a rose out of tissue paper and gave it to me. Then it suddenly started raining heavily, so he bought an umbrella and we shared it while crossing the road together.
On the train ride home, I started asking serious questions. I ask if he ever date anyone, (never) and he ask me some questions back, we talk about each other and one last question, I asked him if we should put a label on whatever this was between us. He told me he wasn’t ready. I asked him if he liked me, and he said yes and whether he like me as friend or what? and he said more than a friend. But when I asked why he still didn’t want a relationship, he said he couldn’t commit and didn’t think he could handle long distance. He is going to start a whole new future and he don’t know what’s gonna happened.
I asked if we could at least try first, but he kept saying no. Did ask him if it’s solid no or what and he said not solid no but then he don’t it’s going to work and he don’t wanna hurt me, cause he don’t like texting.
I got hurt and told him maybe it was better if I removed him from my life. Before we parted, he told me, “You’re the first girl I’ve ever liked.”
And for the first time, I told him:
“I actually love you.”
After that night, we stopped talking. Weeks later, I texted him apologising for the harsh things I said and told him maybe we could just stay friends. He replied kindly and said he understood me.
And that was it.
And I figured that he can’t eat seafood, but he help me finished my meal (I ordered seafood) and he find a restaurant that sells seafood cause I wanted to eat seafood that time
It’s been months since our last conversation, but somehow I still love him. I thought the feelings would fade away, but they didn’t. I still think about him all the time. Sometimes I still wait for him to text me first.
People keep telling me that I can’t force someone to be ready for me.
I do have the urge to text him again, but I don’t know..