I had a traumatic and intense breakup recently and I was really in need of a safe emotional space. My recent ex forced the relationship on me by kissing me when drunk and groped me. I cried and looked at him and he legit looked straight at me with no empathy and squeezed my neck and continued kissing me . He told me to pick his FaceTime call after I got home and we started dating , I somehow thought it would be less shameful if I can convince myself he did it cause he’s my bf. I was not thinking straight the relationship was toxic it lasted for three months I was not myself in the relationship, I losed my sense of self. He was my friend for a year and I listened to his problems, he broke up with his ex gf at the time , he said she cheated on him and betrayed him a lot and he was deeply hurt and he couldn’t open up to his friends I was the only one he feels comfortable opening up and gradually I had a soft spot for him. I was not attracted to him and didn’t see him as a romantic connection at all. I had my flaws too , our relationship was transactional I was there to listen to his emotional needs and he would sometimes help me when I need help with something like when I need a ride , to drop off my friends when we couldn’t get a cab at night and we were drunk , he would take my dog to the vet when I say I’m worried my dog is not eating and is nice enough to not care about the mess in his car. I somehow got attached to the nice version of him and also trusted him. These was when we were friends . After we start dating , he still does things for me if not more but he gets toxic , he’s always suspicious, any explanation I give for missing his calls a few times he would not be convinced. He needs reassurance a lot . He punishes me emotionally even when things were not under my control. When I start distancing myself it only got worse. I also can’t help but feel bad for him cause I know about his back story.
Anyways we broke up , he called non stop for two days and reached out to all my friends and people who he knows is my friend and cried , complained , cursed me out , also threatened me and my best friend , cause she was not picking his calls and he accused her of being a fake friend and all my other friends too ( for not reaching out and helping him out apparently) . He threatened to come to my house , he said he’ll k*ll himself , that he’s drunk and he took too many anxiety pills and can’t do anything . It was a lot of emotions and i was overwhelmed and traumatised af .
And after all these my first ex reached out . I was in desperate need of a safe emotional space and we were talking. He said he met girls on these freaky dating apps and they’re all freaky . The girl after me is so different than me , she plays a lot of push and pull . She kept comparing him to her ex, her ex lasted for an hour and he didn’t and he felt humbled. I thought we were talking normally . He said he remembered what I said to him when we broke up , he still uses the advice I gave him and asked what I learned from him . I told idk I forgot , he asked me to rank all my exes , he asked me how many flower bouquet they got me , how he remembered he didn’t get me any . He was about to when we broke up , he searched on Google what flower to give for break up and was about to order and then I went on a date the day after and he thought fk it. He asked me for tips to be a better boyfriend . He asked me what if I still take walks , I told I don’t cause my recent ex lives nearby I don’t want to run into him. He asks me if I still used the snail skincare product , I told him I gave it to my recent ex and I also told him about how me and recent ex started dating and he asked me how it happened , was it after he dropped off my friends and it was just the two of us and where it happened. And I thought he geniunely cared and after I told him he left a lot of bruises the next day , he said he’s getting hard hearing these stories and why I’m not and my recent ex is freaky for squeezing my neck and kissing me . He said he still has pictures of me and him when he held me by my stomach and he kept it in his hidden gallery and zooms at my belly and gets horny. That he fucks me the most in his mind cause he didn’t get to . The reason why he liked so much cause I was skinny and he liked my belly , he’s not that jealous about other parts . He saw what I upload from a fake account and he zooms in to my belly etc . I asked him why he’s telling me all these and he said ‘cause he has nothing to lose now’ earlier he used to hold back but now he doesn’t care and so I cut the call . We didn’t talk after , he didn’t initiate more contact too. I feel disgusted at myself, I feel so low on self esteem , there really was no one that actually loved me , like I was hard to love ? Maybe I’m just not capable of being loved . I really idealised my first ex and thought the fact he reached out after all these years is cause he really loved me. I also want to know why he reached out , what is his real intention ? He started the conversation by asking where I got the edibles I once gave him when we were dating. And he said that’s his only intention, that he can score some from me. I told him that’s just an excuse and he also laughed it off , is it really about that ? Or does he just want to hurt me and show me he doesn’t care ? I need clarity.