I’ve (21F) been in a relationship with my boyfriend (21M) for about 4.5 years—we started dating in high school. He’s genuinely one of the kindest, most attentive, and patient people I’ve ever known. He notices the little things—for example, he once saw a reel I liked and went out of his way to get me something similar. He’s very much a gentleman, usually insists on paying when we go out (even though I try to split since neither of us is earning yet), and he communicates well. He never lets conflicts linger and has always treated me and my parents with respect. I really do feel like he would make a great life partner.
However, I recently learned more about his family, especially his father, and it’s been bothering me a lot. His dad is a successful businessman but is known for being arrogant and belittling others—including my own father in the past. I’ve also heard from my boyfriend that his dad is very harsh and critical toward him.
This affects me deeply because growing up, I saw my own mother (who isn’t highly educated) get looked down upon and excluded by people. I’m very protective of my parents, and I don’t want to ever put them in a situation where they’re disrespected again.
While my boyfriend himself is nothing like his father, I worry he may not always stand up firmly against him. He tends to avoid confrontation and sometimes rationalizes things instead of taking a strong stand. There was also one instance where he got offended quickly and even suggested breaking up during an argument, which stayed with me.
Another major issue is that I don’t want to live in a joint family after marriage. I’ve communicated this clearly multiple times. He says that if circumstances require it, we might have to live in a joint family, and he doesn’t like the idea of living away from his parents. Meanwhile, I feel strongly that I want to marry him, not adjust my entire life around his family.
Whenever I try to discuss this seriously, he avoids the conversation. He’s not uncomfortable thinking about the future—he talks about marriage and kids—but avoids this specific issue.
I feel really torn. I love him deeply and have imagined my future with him, and it would be very hard to let go. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore red flags that could affect my family and my own peace .
How should I think about this situation? What would be the right way to approach this with him, and how do I decide whether this is something I can work through or not?
TL;DR: Been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and he’s genuinely kind and loving, but I’m worried about his disrespectful father and the possibility of living in a joint family. I’ve clearly said I want to live separately, but he avoids giving a definite answer. I love him, but I’m unsure if I’m ignoring a serious compatibility issue about our future.