For background, we just celebrated our 13th anniversary earlier this month. What happened that night got me thinking about what our sex life is. I am pretty much obsessed with giving her pleasure in any way I can, and like usually proceeded to do so multiple times with various things/ways.
But when it came to have penetrative sex, I was left to fend for myself and “get myself ready.” When I asked if she wanted to “help” she just kind of gave me this face and said not really. That pretty much killed it for me. And when I couldn’t get it up after that, like an idiot I said I was “having trouble lately” and didn’t want to make her feel bad and make her feel like it was her fault on our anniversary.
I totally own that I needed to be honest and not chicken out. And unfortunately it’s happened a couple more times this month and I still made excuses. I know this situation is partly my fault for letting it go so long and letting resentment build.
So when this happened, I started really thinking about what happens in our sex life and this is literally what it’s been like for years. I focus on her and giving her pleasure in any way I can, then she doesn’t touch me and just wants me to fuck her in doggie and be done.
In our whole marriage, I’ve never had a blowjob. She has sensory issues that she says she can’t handle it (we tried years ago and she had a panic attack) and every time I suggest trying again she shoots me down. She’s never seen a therapist to try to work through whatever is causing that.
And she’s given me a handjob to completion once in 13 years. So really, in that much time she’s only made me finish once, outside PIV sex. Whenever we do things, if I don’t make her finish 4x at least, I feel like I’ve failed.
She hates touching my dick, and only will if she’s really desperate to feel me inside. Which has happened a handful of times, usually a few days after we have this kind of conversation.
And we’ve had it before. That’s also what’s bothering me and also why I’ve hesitated to bring it up again. I almost don’t want the false hope of thinking that things are going to change, “maybe this time she’ll reciprocate” then be left high and dry again. Because it’s happened every time so far.
So I guess what I’m asking is- how do I bring this up in a way that might actually bring about change; where I don’t come across as a selfish prick; without sounding like I’m making a threatening ultimatum to just get a temporary half-effort to avoid some nebulous consequence?
I hope I’m making sense, because dealing with this for years has just made me feel so unwanted, unworthy, and disconnected with my wife. I love her and desperately want deeper closeness and intimacy with her. But this feeling that she doesn’t seem to want me physically like I do her is wrecking me.
TLDR: Sex is one sided and it’s been an ongoing and repeated issue in our relationship. How can I bring it up again to possibly bring about actual change?