First off, we have been together for 2 years. When we first became exclusive (after 3 months) she told me about her ex calling her and I made it clear to her that I have trust issues and that this is boundary of mine. She would need to block him and stop speaking with him or I would need to end the relationship. She agreed to block him and assured me she would never speak to him again.
Fast forward to a couple days ago, she’s starts telling me about this guy that she met before me that called her multiple times at 3 am but she never answered. Since this was a repeated attempt on his part, I asked if they were ever intimate. She told me that they went on one date and they kissed. I asked why she omitted that part (she’s told me about this guy trying to contact her multiple times) and she said because it didn’t matter.
Yesterday, before we signed an application on a lease, I told her my paranoia is off the charts and that I needed to go through her phone before we moved in together.
It took about 20-30 mins of convincing. She kept saying there were convos of her with her family and friends about us that she wouldn’t like me to see. I reiterated multiple times that I was only looking for convos with men and that I didn’t are to look at that stuff. She grabbed her phone and started to go through it while I’m trying to convince her out of my eye sight.
She finally gave me her phone and I found messages of the first guy from last year saying he’d be in town and wanted to grab drinks. He asked for her new number and she gave it to him. He proceeded to text her but she never replied. I asked her why she would give her number to someone she dated when he clearly asked her out and she kept saying bc she thought it was platonic. She never responded so I let that go.
Then I found the messages between her and her ex(they were together for 3 years). The guy she promised was blocked. She unblocked him and had convos with him for a whole year behind my back. Sometimes he initiates and sometimes she did. Telling him she was dreaming about him and asking about his life and how he was doing.
The most heartbreaking message was him telling her he was thinking about moving to a few cities (including the one we live in) and she responded “my vote would be (our city) with a smiley emoji.
She keeps insisting that she is a nice person and that it’s hard for her “to be rude” to someone she’s known for that long. She kept saying she’s just checking up on him and making sure he was ok and that nothing happened.
Worth mentioning there were no directly flirty or sexual texts. But my trust issues are telling me she deleted anything incriminating as she went.
Not sure what to do. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again or bc the convos were so dry and seemingly platonic that I should let it go?
But my boundary was clearly crossed. My trust shattered. Any advice would be recommended!
Thank you in advance!