So, it feels pretty dumb saying what started our fight, but here goes. We’ve been practicing our first dance. 15ish min a few nights over the past couple weeks. He’s not a dancer and has avoided dancing in the past. I love it, however, and am pretty good at dancing on my own. Never learned to dance with a partner. These nights have been really fun for both of us, as we usually laugh the whole time and goof around, while also getting used to dancing together and practicing some fancier moves.
Tonight, we get back from grocery shopping at 8pm and I ask him if he wants to dance. He said not right now, so I said I’m going to watch my show, and didn’t push it. A few minutes into the show, he says we can dance before bed. Sweet!
I watch two episodes (2hrs), and he puts away his laundry, fills the dishwasher, and watches YouTube videos during that time. The last 10min of my show, he joins me on the couch. When the show is over (10pm) he says it’s bedtime. I said, “Are we dancing first?” And he refuses, just wanting to go to bed.
This is more a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation. We’ve had disagreements over the past few weeks of him not following through with what he says he’s going to do, because frankly, he has the memory of a goldfish. He’s also recently started a big project (car restoration), on top of our upcoming nuptials, so his mind is elsewhere more than usual.
Anyways, I tell him I’m upset because he didn’t follow through with what he said he was going to do, yet again. I assumed we would go to bed 15min later to practice dancing, while he assumed we would do it earlier, and still go to bed on time. I accused him of intentionally not prompting me or saying anything while I was watching the show, since he’s not into dancing in the first place, and was probably hoping I would just forget.
This (understandably) makes him defensive and said he had every intention of following through when he said it. I remind him that I hate it when he (or anyone really) doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do, and I don’t feel like I can believe him whenever he says he’s going to do something.
This is where the real problem lies. After fighting for an hour (the irony is not lost on me that we spent way more time fighting than we would have dancing), we basically ended on his doubling down that he always tries to remember the things he says (while also refusing to use any external tools, like a calendar, writing notes in his phone, etc.); and that I need to take everything he says with a grain of salt and not react as much when he forgets, because this is who he is.
He is unhealed from his childhood and it always comes back to, how he spent his whole life trying to make himself better for other people, so he refuses to give in to the “pressure” that comes with improving himself now. Like dude, I just want you to be a man of your word. I also don’t understand why he had to bring it back up after I didn’t push us dancing tonight, only to back down on it anyways? He went out of his way to make a plan of doing this before bed, and then forgot, and when reminded, refused to stay up a little later?
He says this is who he is and always has been, and yes, he’s always been forgetful. But it’s been constant as of late, and it really bothers me that he won’t try anything new to help himself remember anything. We’ve discussed ADHD medication before, but he’s unwilling to medicate. He’s unwilling to have a calendar or use his notes app because he’ll “just forget to check them”. He won’t set alarms because he “would just turn them off and still forget”.
I’m at a loss. I don’t want a life of second guessing every plan he vocalizes. He’s made it clear this habit won’t change. We are also so deep into wedding planning, calling it off would be a nightmare and break both of our hearts. But, we’re at a stalemate with something that I know we’d be fighting about forever. Maybe I’m just being sensitive because of recent arguments? Any advice is helpful and bless you if you read this whole thing.
tl;dr my fiancé cannot remember most things he says and therefore, cannot follow through with what he says he’s going to do. He seems unwilling to change, either by trying methods to better his memory or stop sharing any acute plans he has.