I’m trying to get honest perspectives from people who’ve either been through something similar or have a clear outside view. I’m posting this from a throwaway account for obvi reasons.
I’m married with three young kids, and on paper we function well as co-parents and partners in running a household. The issue is our relationship itself feels almost completely empty of affection and connection.
Physical touch is my primary way of feeling loved, and in our relationship it’s almost nonexistent. I’m not talking about just sex—there’s very little of anything:
• No casual touch
• Rare hugs (and usually only if I ask)
• No cuddling, no sitting close, no relaxed physical presence together
It’s gotten to the point where I can go days without any physical contact, and when it does happen it often feels forced or impersonal.
Beyond that, we struggle to connect in general:
• Conversations get interrupted or derailed
• Phones are almost always present (especially hers)
• Even on date nights, it’s hard to feel like we’re actually together
We’re in couples therapy, and a big focus has been on me managing my reactions. I’ll own that I can be intense/defensive, especially when I feel criticized (which happens a lot). That creates a cycle where:
• She comes in harsh or critical
• I react with intensity
• She withdraws more and feels unsafe
• Which leads to even less affection and connection
She’s also said she believes hormones/perimenopause may be affecting her desire for intimacy, which I’m trying to be understanding about.
But what I’m struggling with is this:
Even outside of sex, there’s almost no effort toward basic affection or connection—things that feel simple to me like a hug, sitting together, eye contact, or putting phones away for a bit.
I feel like I’m being asked to do a lot of internal work (which I am doing), but the things I need to feel connected don’t seem to be improving at all.
At this point, I feel emotionally drained and honestly kind of hollow. At the same time, the idea of separation feels heavy because of our kids and the life we’ve built.
So my question is:
Am I wrong for feeling like this might not improve and starting to consider whether staying in this marriage is the right long-term decision?
Or for people who’ve been in similar situations:
• Did things actually improve?
• What changed (if anything)?
• How did you know when it was time to keep working vs. let go?
I’m not looking to blame her—I’m trying to figure out if this is something that can realistically get better or if I’m holding on to something that isn’t going to change.