Hi so this is kind of a rambly sort of post since I don't exactly have my thoughts together and I'm treating writing this as a way of sorting those out at the same time.
So, I (26F) am in a lesbian poly relationship with my girlfriends R (26F) and M (23F) and I love them dearly, we are a thruple and we all love each-other. The issue is with M who is in a relationship with 2 others J (20-something-M) and B (25F). B is a very shy and reserved girl and overall a sweet little angel who I'm good friends with, she was also dating M before I came along (this will be relevant later). J is also a good guy, I have no problems with him personally, but here's the part where this sweet little family of weirdos turns a bit unhealthy.. None of us but M, actually identify as poly and we've always ended up begrudgingly allowing her to date others. I know this is wrong from everything I've read about poly people and a quote by Oz recently awoke me to the fact that this is not normal, "Nothing short of an enthusiastic yes from all parties makes a working poly relationship". So basically, I didn't give an enthusiastic yes to this, I went around asking the others and they didn't give an enthusiastic yes either, what happened was that M verbally beat us down until each one of us gave up and agreed, so that's it, case closed, I should dump her and leave, protect my own peace etc. right?
Well…
Chapter two: My own skeletons in the closet. The way Me, R and M met was through some fairly fucked up circumstances, I initially just flirted with M and who was very reciprocal, she let me know that R and B were fine with this arrangement and I later ended up learning it wasn't exactly that. I ended up meeting R later and I was very apologetic after hearing her side of the story, this later turned into this and that and some flirting later… things happened. M accused us of cheating on her, which my only rebuttal to this through some missing missing reasons was that I thought she wanted it to happen. I felt cornered and trapped into becoming a homewrecker against my own will and then.. bam.. "How about we just date each-other, the three of us?" what felt like an obvious answer at the time later, we were a thruple. I only learned after the fact that B was never asked if she was fine with this, I just arrived and I was dating her girlfriend just like that. Since then I've felt like I've always been the lowest of the low on this totem pole, the ultimate sinner and even writing this feels like asking for sympathy for the devil.
Our relationship dynamic ended up rebounding from there and we've stuck together, I've attempted to educate myself on poly relationships more and more, but at every turn I feel like I just spot every screaming red flag of toxicity that something isn't right, but I still love them and my attempts to bring up these concerns have always been treated as if I'm accusing M of murder so I simply stopped voicing them. We have been superficially strong, we love each-other, we have long term plans, we support one another, yet it still feels like some crazy fever-dream drama when I recite it out loud.
Ever since, M has had one other short lived summer fling who just kind of showed up and we felt like we had no say in the matter. With J I attempted to say No and she outright said I had no right to deny her this after everything I've done to her. This also happened right when I flew over to visit her, they had their honeymoon phase right as I was next to her and I had to endure her calling him every single morning and them chatting way into the night as I was laying in the same bed, safe to say I hold a lot of resentment over this and I know how cosmically fucked up it was of her. But at the end of the day I just haven't had the courage to leave or put my foot down after everything that happened. We've had fights and I've done things I'm not proud of and I can't claim to be the victim here… I just want someone to look into this shitshow that I call my lovelife and tell me what exactly I can do. Do I stay, do I go, do I try to fight for R and B like the hypocrite I am? I know deep down that all of this is very wrong yet I don't trust myself to handle any move forward right anymore. I'm expecting to be called all sorts of horrible things and being completely dumpstered in the replies, but I still want advice from someone, so I guess this is all just a cry for help in the end.
tl;dr: I (26f) am in an unhealthy poly relationship where no one but one person ever agreed to it enthusiastically, I think it's wrong, but I don't trust myself to be right about it either. help.