My husband (45m)and I (20f)have been struggling in our relationship. We have been married for almost two years now. During our relationship, there have been a lot of struggles, a lot of fights, and a lot of misunderstandings. There have been many times that we got physical and we got really into fights, and we said really nasty words to each other. During those times, it impacted the way we see each other, the way I feel about him, and the way he feels about me. I was 18 when we got married, and he was 42. We have a lot of differences; since I live in the Philippines and he lives in the U.S., we have cultural differences.
We have different beliefs and cultures. He is intelligent. He has a lot of views about what's going on in the world, and he also likes to study psychology. What I love about him is that he can see me. He can see that I'm hurting. And what I love about him is that he's trying to help me to get better and to heal. But over time, I feel like he's treating me not like his wife, but like a patient, a student, and a child. Well, basically, I am a child because he's older than me. But over time, I don't feel safe with him anymore because I cannot just feel the feelings that I'm feeling; I need to explain them to him. Sometimes when I do things, he likes them to be perfect and consistent. And I think it's not a problem, but sometimes it's draining when you cannot just relax with your partner, when he complains about most things.
During our time together, during those two years of our relationship, he laid his hands on me multiple times. He uses physical strength to control me and to make me submit. During those times, I thought it was normal, and I thought it was my fault that he reacted that way, even though a lot of people were telling me that it wasn't normal and it's not right. But I love him, so I tolerated all of it.
I told myself that it was my fault that he reacted that way because sometimes when he's talking, I tend not to respond or talk back. So maybe he feels like I'm disrespecting him for doing that. I am not a saint. In our relationship, I also made mistakes, a lot of mistakes. But I just want to have a partner where I can feel safe. But for him, feeling safe in a relationship is being selfish and delusional because a relationship isn't always about safety. And I agree with that. But why would you be in one if it's not safe?
Now we've reached a point where we cannot talk anymore. I think all the things he did to me have surfaced, and I've realized and acknowledged them. I'm now seeing the things he did to me clearly. He's trying to fix it by asking me to go to therapy. But at the same time, the hurt I'm feeling is so great that I cannot trust him. So I don't know what I need to do. We're now at the point of filing for divorce. But deep inside, I still love him.
He was my first boyfriend, my first in everything. It's very hard, and I don't know where to start. I feel like I cannot live my life without him. But at the same time, I also don't want to live my life unhappy. I don't want to live my life not feeling safe and not feeling accepted by my partner. So I don't know what to do at the moment. I don't know what to say to him so that we can still talk about it and not proceed with the divorce.