For a bit of background, we're both Indian; her parents are VERY traditional and mine are about as modern as it gets. This context is important for understanding why it's not as simple as just ending the relationship.
This post will be a bit long and I might change directions constantly so I apologize, but I need serious help. There are a lot of different factors and moving parts on this. There will definitely be things I forget/leave out for space but I'll address it in the comments as they come up. And I'm all in for the backlash I could get so don't hold back. I prefer the honesty.
First and foremost, we got together for all the wrong reasons. We were dating casually and she felt like she was getting old and her parents were pushing her to get married. I had just flunked out of grad school even after giving it my all and was stuck with loans and a job that didn't pay enough to survive. I was psychologically in a dark place because I felt like a failure, I guess basic survival instincts kicked in and I felt I needed something to keep moving forward. So we decided to officially date. I can't confidently say there isn't love on her side, but I can say there isn't on mine. I feel like I'm just living with a roommate who I took on just to survive. But things got out of hand so quickly.
Within 2 months we were "certified" as a relationship because her parents announced it to the world and had a whole ceremony even though we specifically said do not announce it yet. They randomly called her at work and said they announced it and are having a ceremony in 2 days, completely blindsiding us. At that point there was no backing out. The shame of embarrassment they would feel would be too great. And from my Indian upbringing my guilt for doing that to them was so bad I stayed quiet.
My parents showed up, put on this fake show of being a happy and wealthy couple who were so excited for the soon marriage….none of which is true. My parents are split, don't have a dime to their name, and are not happy at all about the marriage because they know they can't afford to contribute anything to it. Why they lied and put on a show…I have no idea.
Her and I are in different places in our life and we want different things with our future. She's already finished school and in her career making 6 figs. I'm still in school and barley making 60k. I have loans, her parents paid all her loans. I have debt, she doesn't know what debt even means. I grew up poor and I have siblings. She grew up wealthy and is an only child. This is important for the way she thinks vs how I think. She wants to have children…I absolutely do not…which right there should be an immediate deal breaker…you'd assume. I think she's gambling that I will change my mind in the future…I've address MANY TIMES that she should not make that bet.
Her parents also want us to live near them and have an almost daily interaction with us. They are a close knit Indian family. I'm not about that…I actually moved across the country from my parents specifically so that I wouldn't have to deal with that with them…but now I will have to deal with her parents almost daily. Don't get me wrong, her parents are amazing people, but if you know Indian parents, they can be very needy. And me growing up to always be a good person, don't have the heart to stand up to them. Especially since they are insist on paying for everything.
Her parents will pay for the entire wedding since my parents can't contribute. Indian weddings aren't cheap. In their mind "you only get married once" and this is their only child so they want a giant grand wedding with over 700 people. Already looking to total 200k, which they would pay entirely themselves because my parents can't contribute anything. I'm concerned her and I aren't compatible and we'd end up getting divorced and her parents will have just lost 200k. Not to mention that she wants a destination wedding so people would be paying quite a bit just to attend it.
Before anyone says the obvious, yes, I've tried to have these conversations with her. Many, many times. She's avoidant. She changes the subject. I'm scared she's thinking the same thing as I am but knows it's just too late to do anything. But why should we live like that. I've told her since the beginning she could have found another man who has a properly structured family and already making 6 figs and wants kids. All things both her and her parents desire. They officialized everything before her and I even lived together. Which as eberyone knows, you won't know if you'll be also to be with someone long term until you've lived with them….which I can say her and I get on each other's nerves constantly. On this, we're both to blame, we both have our faults. I won't put it all on her.
Our intimacy is non-existent. Sex is maybe once a month. And I've brought it up many times…nothing changes. Before I dive into this, I wanna say I'm not bashing her, I'm just telling the truth. I'll even bash myself to be completely fair. Issues: she can't get wet, which she's advised is not my fault, it's been a problem in all of her relationships. Told her to see a doctor multiple times to find out what's wrong. She hasn't done it. Fine, we use lube, no big deal. But, there's a smell…100% from her. I've asked, hey is everything okay, you should get it checked, is the pH off from the soaps you use? Change your diet? I'm gentle when I bring it up because I'm sure it's embarrassing….she doesn't do anything. Just says idk and acts like it's nothing. That's fine, I'll just hold my breath….during vigorous exercise…makes sense right. But now not only with the unable to get wet and there being a smell, there's a lack of action. She lays there and expects me to do all the work. Now I'm as average as average gets in size…so I try hard to make sure I'm hitting the right spots….for HER….but she just lays there. Gives me nothing to work with. There's been times where I've gotten frustrated over all these things all happening at the same time and just go soft mid-session…even though I know it isn't my fault i still feels emasculated…but she doesn't ever seem phased and just gets up like nothing happened…I've tried many times to address these things…she's very dismissive…and I have no idea why.
Her parents don't know I don't want children…they're expecting us to have kids. Every time I try to say something, she gives me a death stare and I stay quiet. When I ask later why she stopped me, she says they don't need to know that right now….So when do they need to know? After they've paid a fortune for a wedding just to find out after they won't get grandkids? I've taken action on my own when it came to my parents. I had a long talk with them telling them my parents are the complete opposite of what they thought. That day they were upset. Not with me, with my parents and with the whole situation. They told me that they're proud of me for telling them, that it took guts to tell them the truth. But they did say had they known in the beginning, they wouldn't have gone through with this….so now of course I feel like they aren't happy with this…and they don't even know I don't want children yet.
I'm worried this entire thing has gotten out of hand but it's too late to do anything because it's too far along. Her parents are just going through with it to protect their image and they still don't have all the bad news yet. She won't even let me tell them I failed out of grad school…which I've tired to tell them but she's stopped me….I'm in school now just for an different field of study…I refuse to give up on my education…but she wants to keep them with this image that everything is perfect and the guilt of hiding it is killing me. Her and I both know we aren't compatible either. We are in different places in life and we want different things. She wants kids, I don't. I feel like I'm gonna be forced to have kids because she's taking advantage of the the fact that I know how important motherhood is to someone and I won't deprive them of something so significant…but I'd be stuck with something I didn't want…and I'd just have to deal with it.
There's a lot I've left out when it comes to our relationship and family and I'm sure there's a lot of questions so I'll answer as I can. Just need advice on what to do. I've been in therapy about this for 6 months but I need raw unfiltered advice a therapist can't give. I know it's wrong, I know we should split. But how is that possible without destroying families that didn't do anything wrong. Or how can I survive through this without feeling unhappy the rest of my life.
TL;DR —- Relationship that clearly isn't working but can't separate due to parents and Indian moral values…