TL; DR
As the title suggests, I (22 F) feel like I’m in a relationship where I feel like I’m not really loved, valued or respected enough.
So my boyfriend (24 M) & I (22 F) have known each other for almost 9 years now (family friends). He has had feelings for me for almost 2-3 years & we eventually got into a relationship 7 months back (but long distance). It felt like fate brought us together & we were at plain sight but never figured each other’s feelings out. And now that we’re finally together, it all seemed worth it. Everything seemed really nice at the beginning. I was in a few bad relationships (toxic & physically & seggsually abu$ive ones too). But once I was with him, I felt safe & calm. But then cracks started showing up. His following filled with random attractive girls on Instagram, checking my female friends’ instagram accounts, checking out girls, never taking accountability for his mistakes & how he deflected everything & somehow it’ll always end up being my fault for reacting. Once I saw him looking at explicit content on Ig & checking out girls’ accounts & when I wanted to confront him, he went out with his colleagues, ghosted me from afternoon till the next morning when he finally returned back home around 8:30 am in the morning. I kept telling him that this conversation is important or you’re gonna lose me. But he kept ignoring me & I had to call him to talk to him but he kept saying that he’ll leave in sometime & call me back once he reaches & then ended up the call. But he called me next day in the morning acting as if like nothing happened. It was clearly his fault & he made the situation worse by ghosting me for almost 24 hours, but even that turned into a fight because he couldn’t responsibly accept what he did. We got through that & several other things like that happened. We’ve had a lot of arguments mostly because he doesn’t respect my boundaries & then tells me he hasn’t been in a relationship like this & no one has ever told him what to do his whole life. So he came back to hometown after some time apart (long distance). He reached in the morning, so him, his sister, his sister’s bf & me – we all went for a lunch. And he was glued to the laptop the whole freaking time (wfh) to the point that his sister had to ask him to look at me & take at least a 5 mins break to pay attention to me. And he just sat close to me & started working again. But then this girl & her boyfriend walk in & suddenly he started looking at her & won’t even look away for a second. She’s pulling up her jeans & just standing & he keeps staring at her & then he realises that I’m looking & he just quickly starts working again. From time to time he’s looking at her though & I just close off because I felt so bad that I’ve been sitting there for 3 hours, he came back home after so long & hasn’t looked at me once without being asked to & suddenly he can look at another girl without a second thought. I told him that & how I felt disrespected. Even that turned into a fight about how I’m the insecure one & that “ I should grow up “ just because I find certain things disrespectful & have boundaries. I love him enough to not give a flying F to even look or acknowledge the existence of any other man, but he thinks that it’s just how mature people are in a relationship & I’m childish for being mad at him for just “ noticing people “ (he was checking out as far as I know because it’s always a girl). Though one time I was in doubt about him & questioned him. I might have crossed a line. He was travelling with his sister’s friend A (female) & his sister’s friend’s friend B (male). They were travelling through bus. Usually he would sleep on the call. But that day he said that his battery is almost dead. And he was gonna sleep. So he asked B to sit at the last seat & sat next to A. I was so scared that something’s gonna happen between them. They’re seated next to each other & might get touchy. I hated that thought. But he got mad at me saying that she’s like an older sister because his sister’s friends are all his sisters. So idk I guess I crossed a line. I apologised for it because idk what happened after that. It was all my paranoia about what could be happening. Not something I was definite about.
Now the main issue that I need some external thought on – I was planning on applying for jobs in Delhi (North India). I made up my mind. But he told me to apply for jobs in Bangalore (South Indian state). That we’ll live in the same city & get to do things together & know each other more because he’s planning to apply out of the country in a few years so before that we needed some time together because we just started off & we already had a lot of things going on. I researched my arse off & listed out 97+ companies I could apply to in Bangalore just for a chance to have some time with him. He kept my hopes & expectations up by planning all those things with me. And now, suddenly he wants to be closer to home & live in the same city as his older sister & now his priority has shifted to Gurgaon/Delhi. And now again he’s telling me – “ You also start applying to Delhi “. I feel so exhausted & defeated honestly. Please tell me if I should go for it & just work it out by applying in Delhi again.
I have really good relations with his parents & his older sister. Our parents are also good friends. Nothing apart from our own internal problems are in the way. I so badly want this to work. But now he’s also so distant. He becomes affectionate when we’re together or getting physical, but the moment the distance factor comes in, he just gets so distant & disinterested. Idk if I’m overthinking or if that’s just what it is. He literally lives 5 mins away from my home, but he doesn’t even come see me when we’re going through something or he messes up. Leave that aside, he doesn’t even call me & tells me he’s giving me space. But he’s the one enjoying the space in the name of giving me one. His energy around his friends, family, sister’s friends are always high, but with me it’s like he’s being forced or something. Just surface level conversations. No curiosity. He says that he thought things will be easy with me but now it’s getting too much for him. Every time I try to have a conversation, he says that he already apologised so we should move on from the conversation. He says that he has other stress going on. He keeps saying that he wants an effortless & a peaceful relationship but does things that literally ruins the peace in this relationship. I know it’s not attachment. I love this man. But the way things are going, I don’t feel like I’m loved well or respected & valued enough.
TL; DR