I'm(m37) looking to become a better partner to my lovely lady(f36)! We have been together for about three and a half years! I'll be honest from the get go, I miss being intimate. We've never had an average amount, but things really took a dive after about a year or so. I'd say our average is once every 40-60 days, for the last couple of years. I understand and acknowledge that this is selfish on my end, what I'm upset about, but I love this girl. I love her so much as we have a few niche hobbies/interests in common that I can't imagine many other women would enjoy. I've made a promise to myself that she's my last lady I'll ever love, regardless of what the future brings.
Now that the "reason/desire" of the post is over with, I'd like to say what I'm currently doing right and wrong to my knowledge in hopes that I can steer my way correctly. Ultimately I want to provide her with the best life that I can possibly give her. I want her friends to be jealous of what she has, and I want her family to consider me one of them. I want to make my community better with her by my side. In my mind, if I can make her as happy as possible, and she still has a lower libido, then I've done everything I can, and will adapt to a life with that being a lower priority. She means too much for that part of my life ruining us, but I want to try my best!
Throughout our relationship, here is what I think are my strengths: I make sure she never has to cook. If I don't cook, it's because we have ordered food instead! We've always done about a 75-25 split for the dishes as it doesn't bother me. We split laundry about 50-50. Anything else, chore wise, I take care of as well. Whenever I get groceries, I make sure to surprise her with a few things she wouldn't expect. Random gas fill ups, flowers, special chocolate, massages maybe once every two weeks. I try my best to clean up after supper so she doesn't have to get up, filling water when needed, making sure to be there when she needs it, and give her space when she desires it.
I hope that doesn't come off as arrogant, but it's my best recollection of events to find out how to be better. Here's what I KNOW I am not good at: My average tone doesn't sound happy. She has told me she mirrors emotions, so over the last few months, I've been working on being peppier throughout the day! I am doing better, but it's still a weakness of mine. I'm too laid back with my (14m) kid. Life events happened that he has been easier to deal with recently, so that's a plus. It's also compacted by me being more firm on him, but there's definitely room for improvement. I need to work more on communication. I have a bad habit of forgetting that I haven't told her things. Sometimes they have had bad consequences too. This is definitely a weakness that I haven't addressed as much as I should have.
So there's the good and the bad. We've talked a couple of times about our issue, but it didn't really lead to anywhere most times. She is in a bad cycle of sickness, soreness, and fatigue. I understand that I can't expect another person to be horny. She says she is attracted to me, and calls me handsome, but it's really hard to believe that some days, you know? I'm head over heels for her and would be all over her every day if I could!
With that being said, prior to 2026, I used to be aggressive with my actions. You know the ones, I'm sure.. the "wife tax", the being handsy in bed, getting changed, etc. I was just too often with it and it affected her. Since this year started, I have since stopped physically intimate moments like these. I have slowly started showing her a caress of her thigh, or a rub of her sides gently. Every once in a while I will still show her how I feel, but these moments are few and far between now and just to make sure she doesn't forget how I feel. But I think I may stop these very soon. Consent has always been a huge thing for me. I want my lady to feel absolute trust and comfort around me, and I'm getting body language that warrants that it may not be consensual. She's not said anything about it, but I just have a feeling…
There is absolutely zero chance I would cheat. That's completely off the menu. I also would never pay for entertainment. It's too intimate for me. Way way too personal. She knows that I watch porn though, and we both use toys solo. I don't know if she watches any, and I have no feelings regardless. I truly just want her to be in her best life, I just really want to be a bigger part of this aspect.
(TLDR) That's about it. I am asking for ways to be a better partner to reduce as much of her fatigue/sickness stress as possible in hopes of naturally increasing her libido. I'm prepared already for a life of low libido though, as she means more than sex to me, full stop.