We met in 2019. Our relationship started out intense, toxic and him abusing me physically. As we got older he didn’t want to be official after he cheated multiple times on insta, so i ended it at the end of 2020 but he still wanted me, so I stayed in a situationship with him up until December 2025.
These years have been the worst of my life and I am now trauma bonded to him. We agreed to stay loyal, he didn’t. He slept around, abused me physically and mentally. I have serious trauma from this and I tried to commit s\*\*\*\* multiple times because of this. I lost family members fighting for them to approve of him, they still don’t talk to me. I stayed with him though his worst periods, his dr\*g and alcohol abuse and him losing his job. All he did was give me hell back.
But when things are good, they are amazing. We have such good chemistry, especially physically. He spoils me, he treats me good and makes me feel sexy. But then a switch flips and he becomes a whole different person.
He promised he’d change everything. His alcohol use, abusive side, cheating, clubbing and disrespect. I spent 7 years waiting and only the cheating and abuse stopped. I feel like I’m wasting my youth waiting for someone to change and I regret ever getting to know him because I can’t seem to let him go. We are now officially back together since December 2025. I have very bad anxiety and depression now. I feel like he could cheat at any moment because of his reckless behavior and I can’t appreciate the good times because I know they don’t last. He wanted this to be the last chance at a real relationship and he’s doing everything to ruin it. But for some reason I don’t have the strength to leave. I need a serious wake up call or I’m going to ruin my life. I know I sound stupid but this is the truth. I love someone I’m not supposed to love and I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I just want to be happy.
Additions for context:
he and I live very close by and we live in a small town, so leaving him for good has been hard, I’ve tried in the past but we’ve always ended up running into each other.
Moving is impossible, I don’t have half the money for that and I’ve tried applying for everything but there aren’t great job opportunities in my city so I have to go to college before getting a stable job.
My main problem is not being able to leave because he did eventually change the bad habits, but always end up screwing up one way or the other. For example, we agreed that I don’t feel comfortable if he went clubbing because he gets reckless when he drinks (he starts looking for dr*gs because he has easy access to it.) Then he goes out, promises he’ll be home early but gets too drunk to get home and comes home around 6 in the morning. Then he expects me to support his addiction by mothering him to quit. And god forbid I get mad instead of laying him on my lap and stroking his hair for messing up.
This happens 2-3 times in a month. Other than that everything is great. So I have to make a sacrifice. He doesn’t abuse me anymore, he doesn’t cheat but he can’t keep this one promise. So I’m torn.