I (28F) and my husband (27M) dated for 8 years, and will be married for 1 year in May. He was the love of my life and my best friend. But now, I’m questioning if I should leave him.
A few weeks ago, he sat me down and told me he was unhappy because I was not very healthy, I spent too much money though I have a good amount of debt, go out with my friends too much, and I’m not great at cleaning up after myself. He also said he feels like he does nothing but work and wait for me to get home. All valid points. I have struggled with all of those issues for years.
However after years of hard work, I am finally learning to love myself. The things he mentioned used to give me panic attacks that disrupted my life. House wasn’t clean? Friends don’t want to hang out? I get a low balance in my account? I would have detrimental panic attacks followed by days of doing depressive episodes. It was so detrimental to myself and my relationship, my husband (then boyfriend) gave me an ultimatum: fix my mental health or he would leave. Clearly, I fixed my mental health and we stayed together. I am grateful to be here today, and that ultimatum got me here, so I am grateful to my husband, too.
I told him I would do better, but I’m giving myself grace for those things on this self-healing journey. I also brought up that maybe he should consider therapy for some of his anxieties/concerns since it helped me so much. He was appalled. He said he doesn’t need to talk to anyone, not even me, about his problems, and he is fine the way he is. Though that felt hypocritical, I moved on and respected he didn’t want that.
Fast forward to now: I had my own talk with him. I told him I felt disconnected from him (like we were roommates), that he doesn’t seem interested in me/my life, and that I would like him to show more interest in me now that I can admit I’m a good person. His response was that I have been saying this for the past 5 years, he asked if we are even going to work, he asked if we should just divorce, and he acknowledges he hasn’t changed when i brought it up, but that I’m not being specific enough.
As you can tell from his response, we have fought about this general thing for years. The only difference now is we are married and there is a financial aspect to it since we share income/expenses and he sees my debt. That response still frightens me. So I want some advice on if there is a part of my marriage that is salvageable. There is a lot more to the story, of course, since we have been together for merely a decade. But I think this is a deciding point, so I just wanted to get it off my chest/get advice.
I’ll end on some good notes: he (seems) to have always loved and accepted me, he has a great relationship with my family, he is funny, smart, and when he really tries, he is caring and thoughtful. On some of my worst days, he was the only thing to make me feel better. If I ask him to do something, he will genuinely try to do it. We have common hobbies, we like to travel together, and we are generally compatible as people. I just question our compatibility as a married couple.
Any advice helps.
Edit: I have brought up couples therapy. He does not want to go because he says he’s not ready for it and we do not need it.
Edit #2: Currently, I make about 108, he makes 80. I pay for rent, bills, pet stuff, and all loan payments. He pays for his student loan payments, groceries for the most part, and gas for his car. Bottom line, we both make decent money, and he thinks our disposable income should only go to paying down debt until it is at zero. I think it’s okay to have a little wiggle room since we are putting a good amount of extra money towards that debt. Which leads to the issue he has with me spending too much of the “leftover” so to speak. Our debt includes student loans and credit card debt that I took out and used for our living expenses during grad school since we both couldn’t work.
4.25.26 Update:
First, thank you all for the feedback. Both good and bad. I received good advice and new perspectives.
Second, it is hard to but the details and nuances of an almost 10 year relationship into a reddit post. I wrote about these arguments because they were the catalyst for the divorce discussion. So, I will try to clear up questions and comments I have seen below.
Finances: We did not combine our finances until October 2025. Remember, we have been married for a year, dating for 8. He did not want to combine finances–that was my idea. It led to a fight, but it was important to me and I thought it would help his anxiety if he could see how money came and went. Up until that merge, he paid for a share of things we felt was equitable by him transferring/venmoing me money**.** This is as simple of a breakdown as I can get with that split, since we have changed living situations a lot over the years: College: If I worked, I paid. If he worked, he paid. If we both worked, we split what we could. Grad school: because of our school rules/responsibilities, he could not get a job during school and I could only get a job during the summer. I took out student loans, paid for tuition, books, my half of rent, and necessities (about 10K a semester). He took out student loans, paid for tuition and books. His mom paid his half of rent. Enter the credit cards. I took them out in my name (with his knowledge) to pay for everything else that 10K for half of a year couldn't: everything from gas to going out. Over 3-4 years, that accumulated about 35K of debt. My student loans (including college) are about 130K. I don't know what is loans are, but he went to undergrad for free and his parents paid for a good chunk of grad school, so not as much. Post-grad: being a year apart, I worked a full year before he did. So, I paid for everything. By the time he started working, we were married. Any savings he had he used to help me out here and there. I think this is why there is a lot of confusion about why I paid for everything and this was the arrangement–because up until this point, we split it on the survival of our current situation. There was no "equity" until we both fully got jobs. Now, the issues are arising because he did not realize how much of a liability living on loans for years was (his words, not mine). He has real anxiety/OCD over it, which is why I suggested therapy. Current breakdown: we share a bank account. I put my check in savings and all bills/rent/loan payments (except his student loans) are autopay from that account. Any extra goes towards loans. His check goes to checking, which pays for his student loans and everything else: groceries, dinners, trips, etc. The current breakdown (thanks to my budgeting app from Jan-March) is my salary=9k take-home/his salary + OT=6-7k take-home, $4-5K fixed expenses, $4-5K variable expenses. Any extra has gone toward paying down the credit cards (currently about 30K left). His student loans are anywhere from $700-1000 a month. His dad supplements that by $400 a month, and he adds to it whatever he can. My loans are in forebarance until June.
I probably missed something in that breakdown, but that's how it is right now. First, a lot of these issues are coming up now because he has not/we have not had to deal with them until now. Second, though my behavior has not changed much (which i acknowledge is part of the problem), his behavior around money has. He feels he has to compensate for the spending I do by not spending any. In college/grad school/a little post grad, he was fine eating out, spending money of fun stuff, and splurging a little if it was reasonable. Now, he pinches every penny he can (won't turn thermostat down below 72 in summer, won't buy himself a video game he wants, etc.) He does this on his own and he wants me to start being like him so we can save money. I spend money on eating out and shopping on amazon. Though some of that is for both of us, I assume I am spending it for the sake of this post. the Average spending in the "shopping" and "dining out" category is about $3K. This includes door dash, shopping, amazon, dinners, etc. I acknowledge that is a lot of money every month to those categories. Up until now, it was both of us contributing to it. For his credit, assuming only I am contributing, I completely get where he is coming from. For my credit, up until now we both gladly dined out/shopped/took trips, so I thought my behavior was not too bad. But I have been working on it and will continue to.
My habits: what a lot of people clocked is that I have always had these habits. I am Type B, love my lazy time, and am a "clean all at once" person. That includes doing dishes after eating, tidying up at the end of the day, doing all my laundry on a sunday instead of throughout the week, sunday deep cleans, etc. What people did not know is he is type A/OCD (like undiagnosed, not just throwing that term around, he knows he has it). He needs to have everything in its exact right place, needs to go through routines and clean-ups for his peace of mind, and likes to have things a certain way. What that does not include is "cleaning" the house. Up until now, he cleans his things–i clean my things + the house. For example, I change the bedsheets, wipe down counters, clean bathrooms, dust, organize and tidy my things, clean out litter boxes etc. He cleans his stuff, vacuums, and will clean the kitchen once he is done using it. If we cook, its together. But, he mainly cooks his own stuff because he diets. This is a part where I think it is inequitable, but I deduced it too "I need to be better, his mind is probably working harder because OCD." We have argued about it before. However, he says he is trying. But to give an example of where I have an issue: yesterday, he had a half day from work and I worked a full day + went to happy hour with co-workers. Got home around 7, we watched tv together, then went to bed. When getting in bed, I saw that our sick cat who has sores had bled on the bedsheet. He said he knew it was there. I asked if he had thought to change the sheets. He said not really, but he wouldn't know which sheets to use. We deduced the sheets he would use were dirty, but he did not think to check. This goes to some issues I have about mental load that has been reiterated in the comments. To keep it simple, this is not a new issue.
Therapy/Couples Therapy: He is adamant he does not need therapy. I texted him yesterday about couples therapy and his response was "we could but I'm just hesitant and idk why. I understand we aren't doing great but I really feel like I can fix this" He obviously feels some responsibility and blame on his part. So I hope that sheds light on the fact he is not evil or out to control me. He just wants to fix it himself.
I know i missed some comments and questions. I can answer more questions if people are interested.