TLDR; How do I know if this is a temporary slump or a harbinger of a split when it feels like both? Is it worth sticking out or is it better to “rip off the band aid”?
My boyfriend (32M) and I (34F) have been dating for about 6 months now, and things aren’t feeling as fresh or exciting for many reasons. My dad has been chronically sick and frequent hospitalizations have meant loads more time spent on overnights and just away. My partner had shoulder surgery at the beginning of the year (which I fully supported him through), so we haven’t been able to do the active things we like. I also recently moved to an apartment close to him, but because of his cat allergy, he hasn’t been able to be comfortable at my place (which means lots of back and forth for me).
In such a short time, we’ve both put on weight and somehow our shared time together has become dull.
Things came to a head two nights ago when we were sitting on his balcony and things just felt off. I mentioned it and asked him to please talk to me about what’s going on. Eventually he mentions that he’s felt disconnected and “meh” because he no longer thinks he can meet a “1 year timeline” for potentially getting married and having kids. (While we’ve talked about these things, I’ve never put them on a timeline. In fact, he has as he was timing it with the purchase of his house.) He’s a divorced dad and the divorce was not amicable and the co-parenting has sometimes presented challenges in our relationship. He said he knows these things are important to me, so he didn’t know what to do. He explained that he was still thinking things through, but he was trying to figure out why he felt so “meh” recently in our relationship and have had some doubts. (Though he also says he’s soooo happy.) I honestly felt hurt and confused because while he was explaining it as he’d moved to fast to put these things on a timeframe, it’s impossible for me not to connect this to his feelings about me as a long term partner. I’m the first person he’s dated since his divorce, and I’ve always told him I was a bit concerned that maybe he needed to “shop around.” But he’s never agreed.
We’ve always talked plenty about these things since he has a child and since we’re both early 30s. However, when we used to have these conversations, we were both bold and honest while also being comforting. Now, things have just changed, and it feels like it’s because of many small things interacting with each other.
In any case, I don’t fully trust my boyfriend when he says that “he’s good” “everything’s fine”, and even if I did, I don’t know how I move on. How we return to just enjoying each other’s company. It is in fact a big deal for him to tell me that he’s not ready for certain things without also explaining what kind of life he then imagines with me. Whatever he’s settled for himself, I can’t unhear the doubt. I also don’t want to feel like I’m not equally considering myself and what I want out of my relationship. Should I take him seriously re: still wanting kids but feeling “rushed” because of my dad’s declining health?
He’s told me that he loves me and is willing to work on our relationship, but it feels like a complete 180. It stinks that all of this is happening with my birthday coming up in a few days and with my dad still being in the hospital.
The ironic thing is before asking him what was wrong, I asked him if we should just “DINK.” He later told me that I threw him a curveball when I said that, and it changed everything for him. He felt more at ease.
Has anyone had a relationship go incredibly well for months and then this comes up? My brain tells me that this is the beginning of the end and to prepare myself. My heart wants me to stick it out, but I’m too afraid that things will never be the same between us, that he’ll one day just decide that things aren’t right, and that I’ll be left going through the break up-self improvement cycle.