please read it till end.
so we are in a long distance relationship of 6 years and the main thing we are arguing about right now is that he has placements going on. i really need time from him but he is so busy with his sleep, the gym, classes, and now these placements. he gives me maybe 1 or 2 hours a day which just isn't enough for me right now. we keep fighting because when he doesn't give me time i start to feel unwanted and it triggers all those old things from our past. i get so angry even though i know logically he is right to focus on his career because he is in an iit and everything is really competitive there.
whenever i get angry my mind just goes straight to leaving. it instantly clicks that it’s better to just end it, so i tell him i want to leave. then he has to spend all his energy convincing me to stay. even though these placements are so important he ended up spending 10 hours or more just convincing me when i got angry this time. i eventually get convinced and he promises he will give me time, but when he doesn't follow through it messes with my head. he suggested we do small check ins and chit chats but it was too little for me. two days later we fought again and it was the same cycle of me wanting to leave and him wasting his time. even last night he had an early lecture, but i wanted time so i wouldn't get angry, so he stayed up and only slept 5 hours and had to skip the gym.
to give more context we have been together 6 years but we have only met twice. at the very start things were perfect, but then i had a family issue and i had to leave without telling him. he struggled so much, his grades got worse and he was constantly crying. i eventually came back, but then i had to leave again because of the same family issues. i know now that it was wrong and i regret it so much. this happened twice in the same year and i was gone for months both times.
when i finally came back for good his mindset had changed. he loved me but he told himself he wouldn't invest his emotions because he had no guarantee i would stay. i felt so unloved while he had this chill indifference mindset. he thought that once we were married in the future he would finally invest again, but i couldn't bear that. i would say it’s better to end it and he would convince me, and this went on for 4 years of ups and downs. he was protecting himself and even when he wasn't busy back then he still didn't give me time.
we finally met in october for a surprise i planned for his birthday. we hadn't talked for 2 weeks before that because i had blocked him after an argument. i stayed on his campus for 2 days without telling him until he messaged me on sms. it was a good time but then i suggested we only talk once a week because i can't take things in crumbs. it makes me too anxious. we both agreed to that and things went back to our version of normal with the same old arguments.
our second meeting in january was really bad. i cried all day. he would only come to see me at night for a few hours for intimate stuff and then he would leave. even on the weekend he didn't come in the morning because he said he was tired, and i would just cry myself to sleep rotting in a room with no wifi. one day we went on a trip and he drove 8 hours in the cold which was a sweet effort but after he treated me like shit. one weekend he wouldn't meet me in the morning because he was tired but then he went on a trip with his friends that evening. he came to see me before he left just to check it off a list and it felt like the bare minimum. also, i made a few paintings for him with love, but he didn't even take them and made me tear them up and throw them in the dustbin and finally on the last day he didn't even say bye because he said he was afraid of getting attached.
after i left in january we fought for 3 months and i started to move on. i was making great progress but then he went into a deep depression. once he got out of it he came back and promised to change, and the change is visible now. he really loves me and i can feel it, but my mindset has become so rigid. if he doesn't give me time for even one day it triggers those years where he was free but chose to ignore me. i am in a protecting mindset now too and i can't change it. he is actually busy now and it’s a crucial time for him, but when he gives me only an hour it isn't enough, and then he ends up wasting 10 hours of study time convincing me not to leave.
as he is in an IIT so everything is really competative over there.
also sometimes he lectures me so much about my life. i sleep only 4 hours a day and it is my habit, but he always lectures me to sleep at least 7 hours. he also worries about my career because of my family condition and all. while i know it comes from a good place, it feels like he is trying to control me and i have told him about this. it triggers me because everyone around me is already like that and i never wanted this dynamic. i know what is good for me and what is not. there is a way to give a suggestion, but the way he gives it feels like force to me. maybe it is my fault for feeling this way since he gives advice for my own good, but it still feels like too much.
now he wants a break or for me to become a low maintenance partner because he can only give 1 hour daily. i don't want that. i feel like we should just breakup if he can't manage this because i am not in the headspace to take a break and just wait and overthink. we have never cheated on each other but he is struggling and his career is so important and i just don't know what we should do.
tl;dr: we have been together for 6 years but have only met twice. the relationship has been a cycle of me leaving due to family issues and him pulling away to protect himself. now, he is finally making a visible effort to change, but he is in a highly competitive placement season at an iit and can only give me one hour a day. this triggers my past wounds of being ignored, leading to constant fights where i try to leave and he spends 10 hours convincing me to stay, which is ruining his career focus. he wants a break or a low-maintenance dynamic, but i feel like it is better to just break up because i cannot handle the anxiety of a break.