I 33f have been with my husband 35m for over 10 years. Ive always felt like he never changed anything in his life when he met me. Not his priorities, plans, values, living habbits, communication style. Nothing. He just squeezed me into everything he had already decided, and took me along for the ride. Regardless of what i wanted, said, expressed, or hoped.
Recently I kinda realized that I've been being a " WE" for our entire relationship. Working 2 jobs, making sacrifices, raising our kids practically by myself half the time. All for the life we were building together. Having faith that we would eventually find a way to prioritize my needs to, because when your partner cares about you they make whats important to you important to them. Because its a "WE".
We weren't. I was helping him build his life. He was never a "WE". He was just him.
I spent 10 years fucking up my life for this man's dream. I now have no education because me going to college got messed up for his priorities and dreams. I have no assets in my name. My credit is screwed. I have 10s of thousands of dollars of debt. And I dont think he has ever had a genuine moment of empathy for our entire relationship.
So thats the actual big problem. I kept expressing myself. Explaining my thoughts. Feelings. Dreams. Opinions. Priorities. Ideas. Litteraly everything. I couldnt keep a thought to myself if I tried. All I want to do is connect with this man, and the fact that that hasnt happened has created this emotionally starved creature in me thats just resentful and desperate. I kept waiting for the part where he understands and cares about me, so is willing to compromise on decisions to include whats important to me too. But silly me I recently discovered he cant feel empathy so that explains that issue.
Instead he will sometimes talk to me. Never actually hears me or understands me. Twists what i say in his head into something totally different and does sort of that. Then he can tell himself he is being a good partner. He included me. He talked to me. I cant complain because he is being a good partner. Then when i decide I'm going to start prioritizing me and going away from his goals, of course without his support or help at all, he says i thought we were partners. I thought we were doing this together. Your abandoning me and not supporting me and and my goals. Your so negative all the time.
TL;DR realizing I've been nothing more than a support character for years, and that i probably always will be.