TL;DR: My boyfriend developed restless legs recently, and while he’s doing everything he can to help, I’ve become hyper-sensitive and reactive about sleep. Now I can’t relax next to him at all, and I’m worried my own anxiety and irritability are damaging the relationship. Looking for advice.
My (42F) boyfriend (36M) and I have been together for six months. We’ve said “I love you” and recently started talking about possibly moving in together this fall. I’m very much in love, and everything was going really well… until about a month and a half ago.
He started experiencing restless legs syndrome. We think it might be related to overexercising—he’s trying to lose weight and has been running and going to the gym almost every day. The first couple of times it happened, we talked it through, and he agreed to avoid evening workouts on nights he sleeps at my place and to stretch thoroughly to relax his muscles. I genuinely have zero complaints about his willingness to compromise.
The problem, I think, is me.
I get extremely irritable—honestly, borderline aggressive—if I don’t get at least eight hours of sleep. The moment he makes even the slightest leg movement, I have to seriously control myself not to snap. A couple of times I’ve already kicked him out of bed in a pretty harsh way, and he just leaves without complaining.
What’s worse is that now I’m tense as soon as we go to bed. Even when he’s perfectly still, I can’t relax because I’m hyper-aware of every little thing—his breathing, any tiny movement. Last night I just got up and went to the couch. He didn’t understand why and kept asking if he was moving too much, what he could do to help me sleep. The truth is, he wasn’t moving at all—I just felt so on edge that the only way to calm down was to sleep alone.
I feel really insecure about the possibility that I’m ruining this relationship over what might be my own issues. The more reassuring he is, the more insecure I seem to feel. When he says it’s not a big deal if we don’t sleep together, is he just trying to comfort me, or does he actually not care? And the worse I sleep, the less capable I am of having a calm, mature conversation about this.
Now, every time he goes for a run, instead of feeling proud of his commitment to his health, my first thought is: “Great, another night of getting kicked in bed.”
I only slept about five hours last night, so maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion—but I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle this.