So I’m NB19 in a newer relationship (officially two months as of yesterday) with my partner M23 and I was pretty decently happy about it. We met online and I have known this guy for a few years, we got into different friend groups, but then found each other again and got together. We had two different friend groups like I mentioned but slowly started to merge into each others and it was all good. But things are taking a turn and I don’t know how to get around it.
We had our first fight recently, and both of us took a break for a little bit upon his request to calm down and I just texted him “alright”. I’m somebody who tends to just want to cool off and say nothing. The argument was about spending time with each other. I’m a premed student working 2 jobs right now so a big part of our time is spent either while I’m driving or when I’m going to bed. I only got to play a game with him for about 20 minutes last week due to classes. He fully said “we only spent 18 minutes with each other last week.” And when I confronted him and gave him screenshots of the time we spent in call while I driving and before he’d which totaled to about 3.5 hours he said that none of it counted because I was doing something else. When I argued that technically playing a game with each other meant our full attention isn’t on each other and instead on others he just asked for the break which I gave him.
His friend (M35 I’ll call Jeremy) ended up reaching out to me, asking what happened and we talked for a little bit. Turns out Jeremy was sharing screenshots to my partner of the conversation we were having and has basically started to act as not only therapist, but also as a speaker for my partner.
At first things were fine and I appreciated it, but then as time went on things got a little bit weird. I took a screenshot of my partner and my chat to show to him something, and Jeremy shot it down saying I couldn’t do it with permission and that I had to tell my partner I had done it so I apologized, told my partner about it, and then asked my partner if I could do it. He said it was fine and he didn’t care so I shared it, and then Jeremy pointed out something my partner had said and I told him that I would talk to him about it. (It was him making a reference I didn’t understand and him saying truth or lie when I asked him smth) Jeremy has been harping on open and honest communication which I agree with, but he’s been pushing himself into it lately.
Yesterday when Jeremy, my partner, and I were in call together and Jeremy started talking about open and honest communication which other and how he was trying to help us I asked him why when he talked about communication and making sure to ask before taking screenshots he was fine taking screenshots of mine and his chat. He flat out said “we don’t have a trust pact, so I don’t have to tell you.” And when I said I would like a heads up he just said “well, here it is. I’m gonna tell him anything you don’t want to.” Even when my partner confronted him about it, Jeremy ended up pulling up the conversation and screenshotting it to set to my partner, and didn’t listen to my partner when hyprocracy was pointed out. And then admitted despite me saying I would talk to my partner about it, he told my partner he shouldn’t say the truth or lie thing to the point he gave my partner a panic attack. To which Jeremy had no remorse for it.
Jeremy has also been trying to help my partner remember details about my life since he has a bit of memory loss but the questions he’s asking feel very invasive for him to be asking while Jeremy is there (what my dad does, what my mom does, where I live, etc etc). As much as I appreciate it, I would rather it be smth that my partner asks in private and not while I’m in call with Jeremy.
Jeremy has also basically turned every single call into a therapy call, speaking for my partner about his emotions and that kinda thing. He’s now started pushing me to tell my parents about me and my partner when I have explained to them both that my parents aren’t very kind to me dating, or to me being online in general. I told them both to knock it off but yet Jeremy is still constantly pushing, even to the point of trying to get me to unmute while my father comes in and I’m on the phone with my partner and Jeremy.
He’s also been basically telling me everything I am doing and saying is wrong and I need to be more percise about things which I’m fine with doing but Jeremy has also been saying that my partner is perfectly fine in how he’s saying it even when I disagree. Even when I try to mend it, he just speaks for my partner.
It’s to the point it feels like I’m in a 3 way relationship and it’s not what I signed up for at all. I appreciate Jeremy wanting to help but it just feels so controlling. Most of this happened yesterday and I’m tempted to just block Jeremy but then I know it’s going to cause an issue with my partner.
I ended up talking to my partner about it and confronting Jeremy and saying I don’t want to talk to him in DMs or on call at all especially if he’s going to be at liberty to dm me at any time even if I don’t want it to and even if I do, he’s going to do it anyway, Jeremy then responded with “if our (Jeremy and mine) DMs are private, your partner also has to sign off that our (Jeremy and mine, yes I know I said them twice, that’s what he meant when he said it) DMs are going to be private and HE has to be ok with it. Then proceeds to send a screenshot to my partner about what I had said. Where do I go from here? I feel more frustrated than before.
I just started feeling a bit unhappy in my relationship now because I can’t have time to actually process things with my partner without Jeremy around and I’m tired of it. I want advice on how to proceed because I’m seeing the red flags right now. I don’t want to end things with my partner but if this continues I feel like it’s going to have to come to that.