Hello reddit.
I'm a M27 in a relationship with F26 for 2.5 years now. I decided to write this because I am experiencing my hardest mental break down rn. I am actually a junior medical doctor and researcher from Iran. My gf is a nurse and we met in a hospital. Everything started well, and I told her that I don't want to get married and I plan to leave the country to do research abroad, and she agreed and told me she has the same idea. It was amazing in the beginning we had so much fun, we traveled and for me it was the first time after my last relationship(lasted 5 years and ended 3-4m before the current relationship) that I felt free and with a normal happy person. Everything went well but after 1.5y she started talking about marriage and future and it was the moment that frustrations started. My plan for leaving the country failed and I had to wait for more the 1.5 year. We discussed this with a therapist(which I did not like) and he advised a breakup, which is what we did. I failed in my career, and failed in my relationship. It was at this moment that I got severe depression. I say severe because I lost joy in life, depressed mood, and decreased functionality. Besides medicine, I also work as a manager in an AI company with a very toxic environment, and all this made it worse. After 2-3 weeks, she called, and we restarted our relationship without any clear view about the future. She is an adorable being and very good person, although I don't like her family and the way they see life and live. Now I am stuck in this relationship, I can't leave or stay because after our 1st break up I became a very bad partner, I lie for no reason, I get angry very easily and I am deeply depressed now. as an example I worked for two years to go to an international congress in Brazil but when I get there I was numb and crying all the time. I feel guilty for making her fall in love but if I stay I will never be happy again. sometimes I want to give up eveyting and get married to just make her happy but I am sure I will not be able to do that. She indirectly talks about suicide too which makes me feel very stressed since I hadthe same experince with my ex with suicide threats if I leave. I also know that if I end it I will miss her so bad. I just wish she was more independant and could live her life without any atachment or maybe i am wrong
I must mention that we live in a very stressful country:)
I would love to hear your ideas about how I can end the suffering. and if you ever had the same experience.
What do you think i should do now?