So I’m writing tonight because obviously, as per the title, I (F19) have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend (M19) of almost two years for quite some time now, and I could really use an unbiased perspective and any advice on the situation.
If I’m being honest, the thought has crossed my mind in the past, but never as seriously as this. And I know this is what they all say, but I would really really hate to lose him.
I really do love him, he’s my best friend and one of the best things to happen to me, but when I look inward, I don’t know if I’m actually IN LOVE with him. Which is completely terrifying to think about because I do really care about him and this is arguable the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I mean, he’s kind, sweet, attentive, thoughtful, generous, gentle, reassuring, the whole nine yards. Things other women would kill for to have in a partner, but I feel go wasted or under appreciated by me.
Now here’s something that’s been in the back of my mind almost since the beginning…I’m afraid to admit it because I don’t want it to be true, but I think I might only like girls romantically (or at least in anyway that could survive long term). I know that I am definitely bisexual, as I enjoy sex with men, fantasize about it often, and still find them attractive and such, but when it comes to romance, I’ve always found it feeling much grander and more fulfilling with women. I also find myself far more forgiving and patient with women whom I’ve held romantic feelings for, which is what I’m really struggling with lately with him; it’s what really sparked my serious thoughts about this.
For quite some time now, I’ve found myself becoming easily irritated at him over small things that he says or does, and when I get this way, I often find myself acting coldly, or thinking mean or hurtful things only to myself that I don’t really mean (but even when I get like this, I try my best to still be as kind and reassuring as I can be, because I know deep down it truly isn’t him, it’s me), and every time I calm down/come to my senses I always feel absolutely awful because none of it is true and he absolutely doesn’t deserve any of that. I know rationally that he’s not done anything wrong, but I just feel like something is wrong with me.
It’s all so fucked up and complicated because I often think of how much better it would be if only he were a woman, and if I would be more patient or feel any differently if he was…but he’s not. I just feel so dishonest in our relationship right now because of this, but I don’t know what to do and I’m terrified to leave…not just for me, but for him. He’s so in love with me he would be absolutely crushed if I left. He’s always saying he’d never love again if I were to pass away or anything, and I’m scared he hurt himself as well. But even if none of the happens, I know nothing would ever be the same again and I hate thinking about that, but with every passing day I become less and less sure of myself.
God, I want it to work so badly, but I can’t keep pushing my feelings down or lying to myself, I’ve just been so unhappy lately and I have no idea how to go about this. Literally any insight on this would help.