That I’m supposed to have fun too. It’s not just for him.
That there are people on this earth that are terrible at it 😒
Kink can be very unhealthy and harmful
That it is a-ok to proudly love it and go get it when I want it without being secretive or embarrassed or feel like I’m degrading myself.
It’s okay to tell your partner what you like before, during, and after
It’s supposed to feel good for each.
Ask for what you want and don’t be afraid to speak up if someone isn’t doing something right or to your liking
You CAN stop at any time.
Mainly, that sex should actually be fun for both of us, and my enjoyment of sex does not have to solely, or even primarily, revolve around the fact that I am able to make a man happy.
Also that the idea that you *must* pee after sex is hugely personal, and doesn’t apply to everyone (it seems like it really only applies to those who are quite prone to UTIs).
That sex is lowkey gross 😂 it’s not some magical sparkling clean dry thing- it’s wet and sticky and your body makes a lot of noises
That they need to recharge.
So much work for such a little reward.
The fact that my “sexual exploration” phase would leave me crying in a shower multiple times a day for years to come.
Kinda shit even dial can’t clean off.
It’s not just mechanical, the difference is actually loving the person I’m with.
That not everyone loves sex or wants it at all. You can have a high or normal libido and not want sex with another person!
That ppl say things they don’t mean when they want, are having or had sex with you.
They don’t necessarily mean any of it.
It feels like an obvious thing I should have known.
Don’t have it with men.
I can cum multiple times in a row and if a man is “done” after he cums, he’s not for me(or anyone
That girls can want sex just as much as boys can.
And that you don’t have to feel guilt or shame for wanting and enjoying sex.
That it doesn’t feel like anything
Choices now can haunt you later. Be picky and don’t give just anyone access.
As a woman we’re taught that it’s something that is done to us, and that us not having fun/orgasm is purely the man’s fault. We have to know what we like and communicate and take charge if need be when it comes to us having fun too. If you just lay there and moan it’s probably going to be less fun than if you actually participate.
Its not bad to need lube. Even if its not a need, lube is not the last resort
That is not supposed to hurt. I was told it hurts the first time. But it kept hurting no matter the size.
It requires enthusiastic consent. Don’t have sex unless you feel 100% comfortable saying “no” at any point and for any reason. If your partner pressures you in any way, they aren’t a safe person to be intimate with.
Men are supposed to ask for consent. They’re not supposed to just do anything to you. They’re supposed to educate themselves on the female body and the female orgasm too. It’s not just you learning everything about them. And trying to pleasure them. They’re supposed to reciprocate.
That finding someone that desires pleasuring you as much as they love being pleasured will gift you with the most intense and pleasurable orgasms that you will ever experience.
You can get into a depressed status after sex because the part of the brain that controls stress calms itself during sex and if it “awakes” suddenly after you’ve finished you’ll get into that depressed status.
Do some aftercare. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t your partner, it can be your friend with benefits or a stranger, but having a kind moment to check if the other person is okay after sex makes a difference because it allows your brain to slowly transition.
How selfish men are
Lube! And correctly sized condoms!
Even if you are very wet from your partner/husband you may need more lube—and that’s okay!
And test out different lubes, as well as different condoms!
Let your partner/husband know it is not an insult at all if you need lube. In fact, it’s a compliment.
80% of it is in the mind.
That I can use a small vibrator on my clit during penetration
Don’t marry someone until you know good and well he/she likes sex as much as you do. I had no idea what A-sexual meant, nor had ever heard of it. So don’t marry a virgin.
It isn’t that serious you can laugh and be silly when you’re with the right person.
What I wish I knew sooner about sex is that almost everything I was taught about it was built to make me ashamed before it ever helped me understand a single thing.
I wish I knew sooner that sex is not dirty.
Desire is not dirty. Curiosity is not dirty. Attraction is not dirty. My body was not dirty. What was dirty was the way adults, institutions, and moral gatekeepers dumped their fear onto young people and then called that “guidance.” A lot of us were handed shame long before we were ever handed facts, and that does real damage.
I wish I knew sooner that it is okay to talk about sex.
Not whisper about it. Not joke around it. Not pretend everybody knows more than they do. Actually talk about it. Honestly. Directly. Without acting like the room needs an exorcism because somebody asked a real question about bodies, consent, pleasure, protection, identity, or intimacy.
Silence does not protect people. Silence protects ignorance.
I wish I knew sooner that sexuality exists on a continuum and that it is not always fixed in one neat little place forever.
Human beings are more layered than the boxes society hands out. Some people know exactly who they are early. Some do not. Some shift. Some deepen into an identity over time. Some realize what they were told they were supposed to feel never matched what they actually felt. That is not failure. That is being human. A lot of pain could have been avoided if more people had just said that out loud.
I wish I knew sooner that asking questions about sex was normal.
It did not make me weak. It did not make me perverted. It did not make me broken. It meant I was trying to understand one of the most basic parts of being alive in a country that does a spectacularly bad job of teaching it.
That failure belongs to the adults. It belongs to the institutions. It belongs to the people who would rather let kids grow up confused than risk a real conversation.
I wish I knew sooner that the stigma around sex and sexuality is real, and that it hurts.
It hurts quietly sometimes. It lives in hesitation. In guilt. In feeling like you have to edit yourself. In pretending not to know what you know or not to want what you want. In feeling like desire makes you less worthy, less decent, less respectable. That kind of stigma does not just embarrass people. It follows them into relationships. It follows them into adulthood. It follows them into the mirror.
And a whole lot of that stigma is not accidental. It was taught.
I really wish I knew sooner just how badly the U.S. public school system failed us on sex education.
Not stumbled. Failed.
Let us call that what it is.
For decades, public education in this country has handed young people a mix of awkward diagrams, abstinence propaganda, scare tactics, and half-truths, then acted shocked when grown adults do not know how to talk about consent, safety, orientation, communication, or pleasure like fully informed human beings. We got the biology of reproduction stripped of actual humanity. We got warnings instead of wisdom. We got fear instead of facts.
And in too many places, even that pathetic version got gutted by politicians, pearl-clutching school boards, and parents who treated knowledge like contamination.
That is not education. That is institutional cowardice.
If a school system can teach algebra, civics, and the periodic table, but somehow cannot manage to teach young people how bodies work, what consent means, how protection works, what healthy communication sounds like, or that queer people exist, then that is not an oversight. That is a choice.
And that choice has consequences.
People walk into adulthood ashamed of normal desire.
People stay in unsafe situations because nobody taught them how to name what healthy intimacy looks like.
People learn from porn, panic, rumor, and silence.
Then the same society that failed them turns around and blames them for being uninformed.
That is garbage. That blame belongs upstream.
And yes, I wish I knew sooner that sex and religion are often terrible bedfellows.
I am not talking about private faith. I am talking about religious institutions, preachers, culture-war crusaders, and self-appointed moral referees who have spent generations poisoning the conversation around sex by treating shame like virtue and ignorance like holiness.
Too many churches taught people that desire itself was suspicious.
Too many pastors taught that sexuality needed to be policed.
Too many religious movements shoved themselves into public policy and school curricula so they could make their discomfort everybody else’s problem.
Too many people grew up hearing that sex was sinful, queer identity was broken, and curiosity was dangerous.
That is not moral leadership. That is psychological vandalism with a Bible verse attached.
Let us be even plainer: religion has done enormous damage in this area. It has helped turn normal human development into a battlefield. It has made people afraid of their own bodies. It has taught people to confuse shame with virtue. It has trained generations to think silence is purity, when really silence was just the tool used to keep people uninformed and easy to control.
And public education, instead of standing up to that nonsense with evidence and clarity, often rolled over and let it happen.
So what do I wish I knew sooner about sex?
That it was never the enemy.
The enemy was shame.
The enemy was silence.
The enemy was stigma.
The enemy was bad education.
The enemy was every institution that chose control over honesty.
Sex itself was never the problem.
The problem was being taught to fear it before I was ever allowed to understand it.
That is what I wish I had known sooner.
And frankly, a whole lot of adults still need to learn it now.
Just how to be fully relaxed and comfortable. When I first became sexually active, I think i was subconsciously performing a bit because all I ever saw was women screaming their lungs out and doing these weird, uncomfortable positions in porn. I didn’t even realize it until getting a bit older and I feel a bit sad for my younger self, but grateful I don’t feel the need today to do anything but enjoy myself and enjoy my partner.
What I still don’t know though is why for the first couple of years when I had sex, I always cried afterward. I was an adult and it was always consensual, but I couldn’t help it. Probably some shit to unpack there but I genuinely still don’t get it.
Getting myself off first makes penetration a lot more enjoyable for both me and my husband!
We were both virgins when we met in college and started dating. He always made sure I got off, but our usual routine at first was foreplay, penetration, then my turn with the vibrator and him playing with my boobs. Then one day we switched it around and had me getting off first as part of the foreplay and it made it so much easier for my husband to slip in and find his groove. Our sex life was already pretty good, but that made it amazing.
How bad many men are at it.
If it hurts it’s not normal.
Always having bad sex with your partner eventually makes you lose attraction
Also the more foreplay the better
If you never come and he doesn’t care, dump him asap and find a guy that that cares.
For those attracted to the male species, there’s a number of them who don’t wash their hands regularly. I make them go wash their hands before we do anything.
That your body needs time to warm up, even if you’re mentally ready your body sometimes isn’t and it can create problems
That sex and romantic relationships aren’t necessary or important for everyone.
I didn’t know being asexual or aromantic was actually a thing until I was like 30.
Before that, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t experience attraction and couldn’t relate when everyone spoke about it. It doesn’t help that everyone talks about how it’s the most important human experience (falling in love, not just sex) and you aren’t ‘complete’ unless you experienced it.
I got it into my head that I just had to push myself to experience dating and sex and it would sort of ‘activate’ me. It didn’t. And I wish I didn’t.
Honestly I wish someone told me that sex is just sex and it’s not love. Sure sex is better with love for some of us but I came to age thinking that the two things were connected and it lead me to a lot of heartache.
47 comments
That its not supposed to hurt
Go pee after sex! Cuddles can wait
UTIs are no fun!
That I’m supposed to have fun too. It’s not just for him.
That there are people on this earth that are terrible at it 😒
Kink can be very unhealthy and harmful
That it is a-ok to proudly love it and go get it when I want it without being secretive or embarrassed or feel like I’m degrading myself.
It’s okay to tell your partner what you like before, during, and after
It’s supposed to feel good for each.
Ask for what you want and don’t be afraid to speak up if someone isn’t doing something right or to your liking
You CAN stop at any time.
Mainly, that sex should actually be fun for both of us, and my enjoyment of sex does not have to solely, or even primarily, revolve around the fact that I am able to make a man happy.
Also that the idea that you *must* pee after sex is hugely personal, and doesn’t apply to everyone (it seems like it really only applies to those who are quite prone to UTIs).
That sex is lowkey gross 😂 it’s not some magical sparkling clean dry thing- it’s wet and sticky and your body makes a lot of noises
That they need to recharge.
So much work for such a little reward.
The fact that my “sexual exploration” phase would leave me crying in a shower multiple times a day for years to come.
Kinda shit even dial can’t clean off.
It’s not just mechanical, the difference is actually loving the person I’m with.
That not everyone loves sex or wants it at all. You can have a high or normal libido and not want sex with another person!
That ppl say things they don’t mean when they want, are having or had sex with you.
They don’t necessarily mean any of it.
It feels like an obvious thing I should have known.
Don’t have it with men.
I can cum multiple times in a row and if a man is “done” after he cums, he’s not for me(or anyone
That girls can want sex just as much as boys can.
And that you don’t have to feel guilt or shame for wanting and enjoying sex.
That it doesn’t feel like anything
Choices now can haunt you later. Be picky and don’t give just anyone access.
As a woman we’re taught that it’s something that is done to us, and that us not having fun/orgasm is purely the man’s fault. We have to know what we like and communicate and take charge if need be when it comes to us having fun too. If you just lay there and moan it’s probably going to be less fun than if you actually participate.
Its not bad to need lube. Even if its not a need, lube is not the last resort
That is not supposed to hurt. I was told it hurts the first time. But it kept hurting no matter the size.
It requires enthusiastic consent. Don’t have sex unless you feel 100% comfortable saying “no” at any point and for any reason. If your partner pressures you in any way, they aren’t a safe person to be intimate with.
Men are supposed to ask for consent. They’re not supposed to just do anything to you. They’re supposed to educate themselves on the female body and the female orgasm too. It’s not just you learning everything about them. And trying to pleasure them. They’re supposed to reciprocate.
That finding someone that desires pleasuring you as much as they love being pleasured will gift you with the most intense and pleasurable orgasms that you will ever experience.
You can get into a depressed status after sex because the part of the brain that controls stress calms itself during sex and if it “awakes” suddenly after you’ve finished you’ll get into that depressed status.
Do some aftercare. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t your partner, it can be your friend with benefits or a stranger, but having a kind moment to check if the other person is okay after sex makes a difference because it allows your brain to slowly transition.
How selfish men are
Lube! And correctly sized condoms!
Even if you are very wet from your partner/husband you may need more lube—and that’s okay!
And test out different lubes, as well as different condoms!
Let your partner/husband know it is not an insult at all if you need lube. In fact, it’s a compliment.
80% of it is in the mind.
That I can use a small vibrator on my clit during penetration
Don’t marry someone until you know good and well he/she likes sex as much as you do. I had no idea what A-sexual meant, nor had ever heard of it. So don’t marry a virgin.
It isn’t that serious you can laugh and be silly when you’re with the right person.
What I wish I knew sooner about sex is that almost everything I was taught about it was built to make me ashamed before it ever helped me understand a single thing.
I wish I knew sooner that sex is not dirty.
Desire is not dirty. Curiosity is not dirty. Attraction is not dirty. My body was not dirty. What was dirty was the way adults, institutions, and moral gatekeepers dumped their fear onto young people and then called that “guidance.” A lot of us were handed shame long before we were ever handed facts, and that does real damage.
I wish I knew sooner that it is okay to talk about sex.
Not whisper about it. Not joke around it. Not pretend everybody knows more than they do. Actually talk about it. Honestly. Directly. Without acting like the room needs an exorcism because somebody asked a real question about bodies, consent, pleasure, protection, identity, or intimacy.
Silence does not protect people. Silence protects ignorance.
I wish I knew sooner that sexuality exists on a continuum and that it is not always fixed in one neat little place forever.
Human beings are more layered than the boxes society hands out. Some people know exactly who they are early. Some do not. Some shift. Some deepen into an identity over time. Some realize what they were told they were supposed to feel never matched what they actually felt. That is not failure. That is being human. A lot of pain could have been avoided if more people had just said that out loud.
I wish I knew sooner that asking questions about sex was normal.
It did not make me weak. It did not make me perverted. It did not make me broken. It meant I was trying to understand one of the most basic parts of being alive in a country that does a spectacularly bad job of teaching it.
That failure belongs to the adults. It belongs to the institutions. It belongs to the people who would rather let kids grow up confused than risk a real conversation.
I wish I knew sooner that the stigma around sex and sexuality is real, and that it hurts.
It hurts quietly sometimes. It lives in hesitation. In guilt. In feeling like you have to edit yourself. In pretending not to know what you know or not to want what you want. In feeling like desire makes you less worthy, less decent, less respectable. That kind of stigma does not just embarrass people. It follows them into relationships. It follows them into adulthood. It follows them into the mirror.
And a whole lot of that stigma is not accidental. It was taught.
I really wish I knew sooner just how badly the U.S. public school system failed us on sex education.
Not stumbled. Failed.
Let us call that what it is.
For decades, public education in this country has handed young people a mix of awkward diagrams, abstinence propaganda, scare tactics, and half-truths, then acted shocked when grown adults do not know how to talk about consent, safety, orientation, communication, or pleasure like fully informed human beings. We got the biology of reproduction stripped of actual humanity. We got warnings instead of wisdom. We got fear instead of facts.
And in too many places, even that pathetic version got gutted by politicians, pearl-clutching school boards, and parents who treated knowledge like contamination.
That is not education. That is institutional cowardice.
If a school system can teach algebra, civics, and the periodic table, but somehow cannot manage to teach young people how bodies work, what consent means, how protection works, what healthy communication sounds like, or that queer people exist, then that is not an oversight. That is a choice.
And that choice has consequences.
People walk into adulthood ashamed of normal desire.
People stay in unsafe situations because nobody taught them how to name what healthy intimacy looks like.
People learn from porn, panic, rumor, and silence.
Then the same society that failed them turns around and blames them for being uninformed.
That is garbage. That blame belongs upstream.
And yes, I wish I knew sooner that sex and religion are often terrible bedfellows.
I am not talking about private faith. I am talking about religious institutions, preachers, culture-war crusaders, and self-appointed moral referees who have spent generations poisoning the conversation around sex by treating shame like virtue and ignorance like holiness.
Too many churches taught people that desire itself was suspicious.
Too many pastors taught that sexuality needed to be policed.
Too many religious movements shoved themselves into public policy and school curricula so they could make their discomfort everybody else’s problem.
Too many people grew up hearing that sex was sinful, queer identity was broken, and curiosity was dangerous.
That is not moral leadership. That is psychological vandalism with a Bible verse attached.
Let us be even plainer: religion has done enormous damage in this area. It has helped turn normal human development into a battlefield. It has made people afraid of their own bodies. It has taught people to confuse shame with virtue. It has trained generations to think silence is purity, when really silence was just the tool used to keep people uninformed and easy to control.
And public education, instead of standing up to that nonsense with evidence and clarity, often rolled over and let it happen.
So what do I wish I knew sooner about sex?
That it was never the enemy.
The enemy was shame.
The enemy was silence.
The enemy was stigma.
The enemy was bad education.
The enemy was every institution that chose control over honesty.
Sex itself was never the problem.
The problem was being taught to fear it before I was ever allowed to understand it.
That is what I wish I had known sooner.
And frankly, a whole lot of adults still need to learn it now.
Just how to be fully relaxed and comfortable. When I first became sexually active, I think i was subconsciously performing a bit because all I ever saw was women screaming their lungs out and doing these weird, uncomfortable positions in porn. I didn’t even realize it until getting a bit older and I feel a bit sad for my younger self, but grateful I don’t feel the need today to do anything but enjoy myself and enjoy my partner.
What I still don’t know though is why for the first couple of years when I had sex, I always cried afterward. I was an adult and it was always consensual, but I couldn’t help it. Probably some shit to unpack there but I genuinely still don’t get it.
Getting myself off first makes penetration a lot more enjoyable for both me and my husband!
We were both virgins when we met in college and started dating. He always made sure I got off, but our usual routine at first was foreplay, penetration, then my turn with the vibrator and him playing with my boobs. Then one day we switched it around and had me getting off first as part of the foreplay and it made it so much easier for my husband to slip in and find his groove. Our sex life was already pretty good, but that made it amazing.
How bad many men are at it.
If it hurts it’s not normal.
Always having bad sex with your partner eventually makes you lose attraction
Also the more foreplay the better
If you never come and he doesn’t care, dump him asap and find a guy that that cares.
For those attracted to the male species, there’s a number of them who don’t wash their hands regularly. I make them go wash their hands before we do anything.
That your body needs time to warm up, even if you’re mentally ready your body sometimes isn’t and it can create problems
That sex and romantic relationships aren’t necessary or important for everyone.
I didn’t know being asexual or aromantic was actually a thing until I was like 30.
Before that, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t experience attraction and couldn’t relate when everyone spoke about it. It doesn’t help that everyone talks about how it’s the most important human experience (falling in love, not just sex) and you aren’t ‘complete’ unless you experienced it.
I got it into my head that I just had to push myself to experience dating and sex and it would sort of ‘activate’ me. It didn’t. And I wish I didn’t.
Honestly I wish someone told me that sex is just sex and it’s not love. Sure sex is better with love for some of us but I came to age thinking that the two things were connected and it lead me to a lot of heartache.