i’m attractive, but bad at love
I’m in my mid-twenties. i’m very educated with multiple post-bachelor degrees. i’m in a hard science and working in industry.
I️ constantly have people come up to me and ask for my number. I️ have lots of friends at work and outside of work, despite moving to where I️ live less than two-years ago.
Yet, I️ still feel so empty. I️ recently went to the club and had numerous people talk to me. in fact, my friend is upset because a man moved her out of the way to tell me that i’m beautiful.
I️ feel like people are physically attracted to me, but i’m unloveable. I️ always hear people talking about how they are trying to be more physically attractive. it feels like a weird paradox im in.
i’ve asked people what i’ve done wrong dating wise that have put me in the fuck zone and they usually say nothing and that they’re busy. and honestly they’re telling the truth, because a lot of them have stayed single for years after being with me (im friends with some ex flings).
it’s honestly really disheartening and I️ feel so jaded. I️ just focus on my hobbies like crafting, lifting weights, running, and things like that. I️ “know” so many people, but feel so alone
19 comments
I feel like there’s a genre of attractive which is purely founded in lust and not love. It sucks!
So your problem is that you have low self esteem and don’t love yourself. Love yourself first and it’ll attract the people you want
Ig, that’s how people objectify you into something that get attracted to which is in your case “your beauty”. It’s easy to get attracted towards someone’s beauty and not to their nature especially in the world of lust and quick dopamine!
Maybe you’ve your own set of actions being showing something that people may feel it as a “she’s only beauty types” and not something to explore deep into her nature!
Not judging you but that’s how world is, no amount of beauty can get you real people and no amount of real personality with get you real people as well, you may need a balance. That’s what I think in a way… it’s great that you focus on yourself it’s better to do so.
Btw you seem like a genuine person, I would like to talk to you cause I’ve been feeling something similar and would love to share and discuss..
🫂 I feel for you. It’s a very painful place, isn’t it.
I’ve been in a similar place (well, sans attractiveness) and lucky enough to stumble into just the right path to eventually mend my heart.
I hope that happens for you too.
I’m worried it’s a bit trickier for you as an attractive woman giving you infinite potential for chasing fake connections and being misled re they want you or your body etc. In that light I think “jaded” is a very promising sign here, once you get disillusioned in paths you thought are real but might be fake, new paths will become visible. Well, after some pain and emptiness.
I don’t have love or lust…
Omg this is my jam ! I transitioned from “very unattractive” to “very fuckable” to “girlfriend material”
Some options :
1) Your body type might tend to attract lustful men !
Maybe you have big 🍒/🍑 or are part of an ethnicity that gets exoticized/fetishized (latina/black/asian) or are slightly overweight (which contributes to your curves), maybe you have doe eyes/baby face that gets sexualized because of porn, I don’t know
2) you might look very innocent / easy to take advantage of. They might sense you have poor boundaries. Or they might think you’re very accessible/easy. Your body language might be too open. Energy is everything. “No bullshit energy” was absolutely key to let the lustful men be scared of disrespecting me, and attracting the right men
3) every average-to-beautiful woman (regardless of body type) gets TONS of attention. When I became more conventionally attractive, my problem was that I was entertaining any type of attention, because I couldn’t tell the difference, I wasn’t experienced in womanhood. Now I know if a man asks “can I get your number?” and looks at my body (even quickly) = lust. If he looks at my eyes = respect. I just got very good at filtering, which is something every woman should learn unfortunately. A lot of this attention is noise. I used to be the girl that got all the men over her in a bar ; I learnt very quickly it’s not a compliment !! Then men started NERVOUS and scared of doing the wrong thing, so I get approached less in volume
That’s not what it is, the people who are the most either desperate or maybe courageous isnt the right word, but people who dont care or dont have fear talking to you are most willing to talk to you and will try and get you to sleep with them but they dont necessarily have good in their hearts or care about you. What you need to do is ignore and reject advances like that up front and try and work on finding the men that would want you for who you are and thats going to be harder but not impossible.
It’s probably not you but the qualities that you’re looking for in the people you try to date
Sounds like the men you’ve had in your life have been young and highly motivated. These are generally great traits that will set them up later in life but will also take up a massive portion of their time and energy
Maybe try to date someone older who’s a little more settled down?
When I was in my 20s (as a guy) I was an absolutely terrible partner. It’s not that I was trying to be a bad person or that my partners at the time were lacking anything, I just had other priorities at the time.
It wasn’t until I was close to 30 that I had the bandwidth to actually care about someone and treat them properly. I was on a relatively fast track too (got lucky with sales jobs, had an insane run on my investments) and it still took that long
I had a friend deal with this when we were in our 20’s. She was VERY attractive. Men just wanted to fuck her and that was it. In my opinion, the problem is the patriarchy. Not you. If women were not objectified and treated as if there biggest value is how attractive and sexually pleasing they are to men, this would not happen. In other words, I don’t think you are the issue.
I kind of feel the same way, but minus the constant cold approaches, so you must look more approachable than I do😂 I think there could be different factors:
1. When I talk to peers, dating is an area that they genuinely think I don’t struggle in so they don’t go out of their way to ask or try to “set me up” the way they do others. Since my career, social life, hobbies are in a good place, I tend to only get the occasional question, or some “pressure” from older ladies at work, but people are quite neutral around me or just assume I’m with someone already; I’m definitely not the person with any dating drama for them to tune into.
2. Sometimes I think if you’re confident, have your business handled, and not desperate to just jump at any opportunity to date, that naturally weeds out some people who may be intimidated, or only want something physical. I’ve also dealt with people who would overthink and self-sabotage.
3. If you find yourself in a boat where both beauty and career seem to be on your side, I think it’s worth cultivating a strong sense of yourself. Who do you want in a partner > who chooses you. Being single right now does not mean you’re unlovable. And when the person you want does come along, you may have to be extra clear about your interest, bc in my experience, the people I want don’t seem assume I want them lol.
Overall, I wish there was a definite answer, but I think I’ve just accepted that this is an area of life that doesn’t and has never come as easily to me. I have a friend in her 40s who is accomplished, kind and good looking, but romance is also a department that just never clicked for her as well. While on the other hand, I know someone who was going through a hot mess of a divorce and quickly met her next long term partner.
That being said, I just continue to encourage myself to be that person who connects well with others, whether it’s the elderly neighbor, coworker, etc. I think if we’re everywhere we want to be in life, then hopefully we’ll meet our people eventually in those settings. I don’t want to be in clubs or bars personally, so those aren’t places I would purposely go just to meet someone. I think the dating scene has gotten tougher overall, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Find yourself an emotionally available person. How hard could it be? 😬
I have seen people who are not do attractive be very successful in dating. They are fun and comfortable to be around and you fell good just being with them. They don’t give off the vibe that a person needs to live up to their standard. They never seem aloof.
I feel this so hard. In high school I was rolling that I was fuckable but not dateable. It’s harsh when all you want to do is connect with someone but no one’s willing to do it
What type of connection are you looking for? Maybe you are attracted to people that an emotional unavailable. If anything sex increases a connection for myself. I have found asking for or trying to get closure is a waste of time
I’m going to give you some practical advice. I do hope that I don’t come off as “mansplaining”, though. Here it goes:
Since you are looking for a long-term relationship, your actions should reflect that. That is, you shouldn’t have casual sex. Since you are swamped with offers, you can always go back to short-term any time you like.
The first thing you should do when you get asked out by a guy, is to get to know them a little bit before you hand out your number. Don’t be afraid to reject. You don’t need to filter hard here, a little bit is enough to take off the scum. Besides, you can filter some more on dates.
After that, arrange a date in the middle of the day, just for coffee. This ensures that your date has a preset duration. Avoid getting drinks on the first date.
When you meet, ask them things that reveal who they are to you: hobbies, sports, travelling (done or aspirational), favourite books, bands, and cuisines. Exchange your college experiences (for you, this includes grad school). You should also ask what they do for work, as that reveals a lot. This shouldn’t be an interview, though. Just organic curiosity.
If you like what you’ve learned, ask for a second date. On this date, do an activity together. Going from your post, something like a pottery class, a painting class, or even lifting.
This activity should be something that either one of you does often or that is new to both of you completely (crafting vs rock climbing).
The former implies that one of you gets to see how gentle and patient the other one is, as “the relative expert” will be teaching “the novice”.
The latter implies that the two of you “will be going on an adventure”, so you get to learn how your date handles new situations. Plus, you get to bond a bit.
For the third date, ask them to take you to their favourite restaurant *for lunch*. This also puts a preset amount of time on your date.
From then on, things will hopefully be flowing on their own. Unless you are ready to sleep with them, do not put yourself in a position where they ask you to “go back to their place” after drinks. That’s why I suggest dates during the day for the first few dates.
Most importantly, you should let them know (casually mention) that you are looking for a long-term relationship before you sleep with them. One great way to separate hook-ups from boyfriend material is to withhold sex until you both know you are trying out for long term. (This is just a suggestion, ok?)
I don’t mean going exclusive, but laying down your cards somewhat early, so you won’t waste your time. Of course, some may lie here just to get sex, but you should keep that in the back of your mind until you go exclusive.
Accept the risk that things may not work out. Remember that you can easily get more fish from the sea.
Oh, and if they find you intimidating, that’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem. (Personally, I would prefer a girlfriend with a lot going for her.) You should expect a boyfriend with a lot going for him, as you yourself have a lot to offer.
Are you…me!? You have described my lifes riddle… people want access to me, sleep with me but not love me.
Im naturally magnetic, speak to new people like ive known them for years, Im funny, thoughtful, ill bring you food when youre sick, talented and intelligent but… no one seems to want to get into any kind of relationship with me unless it involves my body.
Ok, so im also kinda eccentric, but in a authentic way not rides a tricycle dressed as a teletubby kinda way. So that might go against me but I think i look great.
A guy gave me his number last night whilst I was at the pub, and yep… pretty much went straight to talking sex.
I want someone to want to arouse my brain too dammit!
You are completely normal and those art craft hobbies continue with that, it is just that u haven’t meet the perfect partner of your life at, just keep doing your hobbies don’t fall in that fomo.
Be natural god has definitely good plan for you.
Same with me. And I don’t know what wrong I am doing and I am also highly educated and well earned
Your only choosing from people who approach you. Try approaching a guy who doesn’t approach you.