My wife and I have 3 kids. For a long time, she stayed home with them, and I’m genuinely very grateful for that.
Now she’s back to work, doing about 3–4 days a week (roughly 25–32 hours), while I work around 45–50 hours.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m always the “backup plan.”
We’re both tired — that’s normal with kids and work. And in my mind, it makes sense that if one of us has a harder day, the other picks up a bit more. I do that naturally. But I feel like it rarely goes the other way.
Sometimes I’ll say I had a long day or that I’m exhausted, and it kind of just… doesn’t get acknowledged.
For example, today I worked from 6am to 6pm. She worked 9–5. She went to bed without really saying anything — no “hey I’m really tired, can you take over?” or anything like that. She just went, knowing I’d handle the kids’ bedtime routine.
And I will — that’s not the issue. I want to show up for my family.
But it’s starting to feel like it’s just assumed that I’ll always be available, always ready to step in. And on my side, I don’t feel like I have that same “backup.”
To be clear, we do try to help each other. It’s not like she does nothing — far from it. But what hurts isn’t always the action itself.
It’s more the feeling that it’s not seen.
That it’s not offered.
Like she knows I carry a lot week after week, but doesn’t often step in proactively or acknowledge it.
I’ve tried bringing it up before, but it usually turns into her feeling like I’m never satisfied with what she does.
That’s not what I’m trying to say at all.
Also, I know this is a sensitive topic. I’m aware that women often carry a heavy mental load in families. I truly believe I do my share — but I’m also working 15–20 more hours per week, and I’m starting to feel the weight of always being “on.”
I don’t want this to turn into resentment.
I just want to feel like we’re a team, where support goes both ways — not just assumed in one direction.
Has anyone else felt like this? How did you approach it without it turning into conflict?
Edit: We try splitting the chores equally. what I meant as I backup, is she lean on me to take extra duty when she's tired which is fine when it works either way… its rarely the case