I’ve been with my husband for 13 years total, 6 years of dating and 7 years of marriage. A month ago, I found out he was cheating on me with a female friend he’s known since high school. She lives in another state.
Recently, he told me he was going on a "solo trip" for a weekend to take snow class. When he returned, I discovered he actually flew out to see her. He denied it at first, but when I showed him the flight itinerary, he finally admitted it. He claims they’ve been "text cheating" for 6 months and that this was their first physical meeting. He insists that during those three days, they only kissed and didn't sleep together.
When I asked him to text her to end the relationship immediately, he resisted, saying he wanted to give her a 'proper goodbye' because she is the last friend he was actually had connection. He didn't actually send the message until the following morning. In the text, he told her that I found out about the trip and that he chose to stay with me. The worst part is that she is married and in an open marriage. To make it even more painful, I actually met her a few times about six years ago when she visited our area.
I told him I would forgive him, and I haven't told to my family or friends about this. But as time passes, the anger is consuming me. Every time he picks up his phone, the thought of him texting her is on a constant loop in my head. I can't stop questioning if I can ever trust him again or if this marriage is even worth saving.
To make matters worse, before I found out about the affair, we agreed to move to his home state later this year to be near his family. That woman lives in that same state, very close to where we’d be moving.
I’m 38, and we don't have child yet. I am terrified. If I choose divorce, I’m scared I’ll never find someone treated me well and that I’ll end up alone and lonely for the rest of my life.
How am I supposed to believe he "only kissed" her after flying all that way for a 3 day trip? Should I go through with the move? How do I handle this crushing anxiety and fear of the future? Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.
35 comments
Divorce. Don’t move. He will be able to get in her pants easier. He probably planned the move to be with her. You know they did more than kiss. He actively planned a trip to betray you and was willing you destroy you emotionally and potentially give you a disease for his own selfish choices. He didn’t treat you nicely. All of this was intentional and thought out.
you’re not crazy. he planned it and lied, that’s why trust is broken.
don’t rush moving, especially near her. and don’t stay out of fear. focus on whether he’s actually rebuilding trust.
They for sure had sex! Sounds like he still has feelings for her. If you decide to work it out then definitely have him get a std test. If she’s in an open marriage who knows how many partners she has already had. I’m sorry this happened to you
He didn’t just kiss her. No grown adult flies to see someone and stops at kissing. He’s still lying
He fucked her. Get STI test.
He’s still lying because he definitely had sex with her. He didn’t confess, he got caught and admitted to a lesser charge after being cornered. He was hesitant to cut ties with her. You agreed to protect his reputation by not telling anyone, and he’s moving you guys closer to the affair partner. In other words, there have been zero consequences and zero signs of contrition. This is not good.
Don’t believe him. They had sex. She’s in an open marriage. He flew out there to be with her- there is no way he went out there just to kiss.
Sorry this is happening. Whatever you do, do not move out there with him. That would just give him the green light to keep the affair going.
If cheating on you is considered “treating you well,” then by all means, stay.
They totally slept together. I’m sorry he’s lying to you. He’s also not even doing the bare minimum by immediately cutting her off.
If you want to stay, you can, just accept that your husband is a cheater. Maybe you could open the marriage so you can have a side piece, too.
My eyeballs are gonna implode! You CANNOT put in the same sentence how he’s blatantly cheating on you in your whole face. Then say your scared that you won’t find someone like him that treats you so well??!! I THINK I MIGHT BE HAVIN A FN STROKE! BECAUSE I CAN NOT!!
Sorry this happened to you. But I have to be honest with you. You really don’t believe that they only kissed do you? No one flies all the way out there just to kiss someone. I’m sorry, but they had sex. If you’re going to try to stay in the marriage, which is admirable, he needs to come clean about EVERYTHING only then can you try to put it behind you. Even then you may not be able to. Don’t let having a kid keep you in a bad marriage if he cheated and you can’t live with it a child is just gonna complicate things. Figure out what you wanna do but move on swiftly if that’s what you decide. Good luck to you.
You don’t forgive him and welcome him back while he is still lying to you.
Have more self respect than that.
Settling for a cheating man out of fear of being/not being a mother should not be your story.
Dump his cheating, lying ass.
He’s lying and now realizes we can get away with it. He can lie from now on and you’ll believe him and forgive him. You deserve better.
He 100% had sex with her multiple times. You can’t possibly believe that lie smh
Don’t you already feel incredibly lonely that your husband continues to lie to you and is moving to be closer to her. Absolutely don’t go through with the move. The worst fear for the future has already happened – you now need to take steps to make your life better.
Tell everyone what he did so they understand why you’re divorcing his sorry ass.
Sorry, but he didn’t fly out to spend three days with her to just kiss. He’s a liar, and a cheater, and it sounds like he even cares what he put you through. If this is how you want to live your life—constant fear, anger, and mistrust— great. Simply carry on, and move even closer to where she lives. If, however, you want a life filled with love and respect, then choose to give those things to yourself (he’s certainly not giving them to you) and think seriously about going it alone. Life is too precious to waste it with someone who treats you like this. Updateme!
Do you KNOW she’s in an open marriage, or did your lying husband tell you that so you wouldn’t contact his affair partner’s spouse? Oh, and they for sure slept together. Leave him now, and definitely do not move with him to his affair partner’s state.
Yes he fucked her. It’s easier not to admit to sex. The
lol my ex convinced me to move 3 hours away (closer to his affair partner, as I later found out) away from all my friends and family.
It went exactly as you would expect.
Leave this fucking tool behind and go live your life. There’s no need to be afraid of being lonely or alone forever. Make peace with yourself, you deserve to be happy.
Each day you stay is one less day you have till you find the person that will love and desire you like you deserve…. it is out there waiting.
Of course he slept with her! Stop the denial. Stop burying your head in the sand.
Up to you but I’d be seeing a lawyer and organising a divorce. NO MAN gets to dictate to me what is appropriate. Or call the shots.
I DO NOT DO CHEATING at all. My hb and I are both on same page. Any cheating and our marriage is over. No exception.
You leave him. That’s how you handle it.
Speaking as a 38F whose husband left me after he cheated on me (after I gave birth), get divorced NOW before you have a child. I’m connected to that piece of shit for the rest of my life because we have a child together.
And by the way, my ex was also a trickle truther, gaslighter, and liar. He constantly lied whenever I asked about his mistress/girlfriend and when he flew out to see her. It will not get better.
He didn’t fly all that way, spend 3 days with her & only kiss. He’s trickle truthing you. You can’t start true reconciling until the last lie is told. Tell him that you can’t fully forgive him until you know everything, because if you forgive him & then find out they slept together you’ll never be able to forgive him for still lying. I recommend marriage counseling. I would also tell him you guys are not moving now. He probably only wanted to move back to be closer to her anyway. He can thank himself for not moving. FAFO. He’s about to find out. I’ll bet the move came about during those 6 months. Gross!
Tell EVERYONE. He does not treat you well. If you have no kids, this is so much easier. Sayonara, sucker. A cat is a better companion, but you are still young and you will find someone. Dudes will be coming out of the woodwork once they know you are single, they are just not hitting on a married woman because they are decent….unlike your husband.
Baby girl. Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t give a single flying fuck about you. I had the same worries before my divorce but being single has been great.
I’ve been around a long time, and it’s never just a kiss.
I wouldn’t believe he “only kissed” her over a 3 day period. The way he wrote and sent the text is sketchy. I wouldn’t trust him.
It will be better to live alone with yourself in peace, than stay with him never trusting, always worrying. If you don’t leave, he’ll feel like he’s through.
Once you’re living a life of your choosing, you’ll meet a real man, a trustworthy, honest man. Reject his b*llshit. imho
You’ve got to stop!!!! Either way! If you forgive and stay, or if you leave.
Stop! Stop, giving this anymore of your ENERGY! I’m sorry but, your husband is a piece of Shit!!!!
Flying out to meet another woman while married regardless! Then add he’s known her, you’re supposed to move to his home state where she also “happens” to live? GIRL BYE!
They slept together. You don’t fly to a different state to kiss. And who told you she was in an open marriage? Your husband? You believe him, why?
If you want to reconcile, I would immediately tell him the move is off the table, counseling is a must, and he needs to prove that he has cut all contact.
But me, personally? I’d leave. I’d never want to be someone’s warden and I definitely would want to be with a cheater.
Seperate..give yourself time to process. If you can’t forgive him then its over. There are plenty of men looking for a good woman. Never sell yourself short. He’s sneaky and a liar. He wants to move to be closer to her. I wish you the best.
He’s trickle truthing you. There’s no way he flew out all that way just for a kiss, and considering he also denied it until you showed him proof, jury’s out on whether or not this was the first time. I wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. The fact that he didn’t want to “break up with her” immediately after you found out, would be the nail in the coffin. Let him move – without you. Better to be alone, than moved to his home state so he can continue his not-so-secret affair, and then you’ve left your life behind for that.
I honestly thought I was going to be alone after my first marriage blew up. Welcomed it, actually, after all he put me through. And then three months later I fell in love with my soulmate. We just celebrated 20 years together and have three amazing kids.
Have the courage to 1) leave, 2) risk the unknown, and 3) find yours. <3
Please don’t move, file for divorce. Tell a close family member or friend for support. You don’t have kids so that honestly makes it easier. Being alone isn’t a bad thing. I promise!
Or tell him you’re not moving anymore and see his response, then see how you feel but you’re on the Internet asking for advice. You may already know your answer but need reassurance. Hugs! 🥺🫶🏻
Hey, do not choose to settle with a person based upon the biological clock. I had my first kid at 44.
Remove having a kid from the equation and decide if you want to really work on this (probably need counseling and access to his technology). After you decide whether to stay or go, then you turn toward thinking of your clock (you could go to a clinic instead of marriage).
– How am I supposed to believe he “only kissed” her after flying all that way for a 3 day trip? –
You’re not.
– Should I go through with the move? –
No. Cheating has consequences. This is one.
– How do I handle this crushing anxiety and fear of the future? –
You reconcile or leave. The fact that he resisted texting her because he wanted to give her a ‘proper goodbye’ isn’t promising. If he were truly remorseful, his concern should have been only for you.
– she is married and in an open marriage. –
Tell her husband anyway. It won’t hurt anything, and often times, the AP’s spouse somehow is unaware that their marriage is open.