Sorry this is so long, I just genuinely don’t know who to talk to about this. My ex (21M) and I (23F) dated for about 3 months after becoming really close friends through work, and things moved way too fast. We even almost got married and got a marriage license very early on, but never went through with it. He was a virgin waiting for marriage, and after he convinced himself it was okay because of the license, we slept together—but right after that, things started going downhill and he would guilt me about it.
The relationship became really controlling and unhealthy—he criticized what I wore, discouraged makeup, nails, and self-expression, and called me names like “fat” or “crybaby.” He would also say that I needed to be told these things so I could “learn how to take it,” because if I hear it from him, then I could hear it from anybody and nothing would ever bother me, and I needed to learn to not care what others think. What’s confusing is he knew exactly how I dressed and who I was before we got together—I wore the same outfits and did my makeup the same way—and only started criticizing it after. He still does. He’ll even say he won’t go out with me unless I wear oversized baggy clothes, which makes me feel like a bum when I’m actually really girly and love dressing up.
I have BPD and can be emotionally reactive, and I’ll own that—I used to lash out quickly during arguments, but I’ve been trying really hard to grow and hear people out instead of immediately reacting. I know I’m not perfect, but I felt like he constantly invalidated me instead of supporting me, saying my emotions were “from the devil” and that I needed to rely on God instead of him. I was raised Catholic and am definitely closer to God now, and I understand faith and conservative beliefs, but he takes it to an extreme. He seems to think his way is the only correct way, and I feel like spirituality shouldn’t be forced on someone or confined to strict rules. He would also try to “parent” me, and that’s really triggering because I have childhood trauma and a bad relationship with my parents. When he does that, it makes me feel like I’m that same kid again—like I’m too much, out of control, and about to be sent away because no one can handle me. It genuinely makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.
I also struggled with smoking weed and have a love-hate relationship with it. He knew this before we got together, and while I sometimes slipped up—especially when I found out my best friend had died—he always got really mad, which upset me deeply. I understand I didn’t tell him right away, and I know lying wasn’t okay, but I also worried he would criticize me instead of understanding that mistakes happen. Meanwhile, he used to smoke and drink heavily before he “found God,” and even recently while we’ve been friends, he smoked and had a few drinks at my apartment “to remember why he stopped.” I couldn’t believe it—it felt hypocritical given how much he shamed me for the exact same behaviors during our relationship. He even made my 23rd birthday really stressful because I had a small celebration with friends and his brother, and he refused to come, shaming my friends for drinking and wearing what he considered revealing clothing. I was anxious the whole day, worried he would dump me, which made it impossible to enjoy myself.
Now we’re broken up but still very involved in each other’s lives. We work together, he still comes over and helps with bills, and I’m really close with his mom and brother—they still love me and I love them. His mom even jokes that we’re just “two stupid young kids in love” and that we’re both dumb and learning, which honestly might be true. But it makes it so much harder to separate. I don’t feel like I can fully cut him off because of how close I am to all of them, and even if I tried, I’d still run into them constantly. I also don’t think he’d respect that boundary—he’s shown up before and tends to push past limits. Even when we were together, if I wanted privacy (like showering or using the bathroom), he would literally unlock the door with a knife and come in, saying I needed to “get used to it.” Most of the time things feel okay or even good—we still laugh, hang out, and have our moments—but anytime I stand up for myself, get emotional, or have a mood shift, he gets annoyed or critical. Sometimes things get physical in a joking way that turns into real bruises.
I genuinely tried to change myself to make him happy—trying to be completely different, saying yes to everything, suppressing my emotions, trying not to cry or react or disagree with anything he said—but he still broke up with me after three months, the night before my best friend’s funeral. He told me I didn’t have the heart he was looking for and that he had seen someone else at work who “had the heart” he wanted. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about her, deserved better in life, and didn’t want to lead me on.
I know I have my own issues, but I genuinely feel like he brings out the worst, most reactive parts of me because he treats me more like someone to control or parent than an equal partner. I’ve learned things from this relationship, so I’m grateful in that sense, but I feel stuck, overwhelmed, and honestly a little crazy. I want to move on and not have to worry about him anymore, but I don’t know how to set boundaries or separate without losing everything connected to him—or making things worse. not looking for a who was right who was wrong just how to move forward. I also wanted to add that we are not sleeping together. We haven’t slept together since a month before he broke up.