I’m not really sure what I’m asking here. I guess I’m just hoping someone’s been through something similar.
I’m 33. My mom left early, so it was just my dad handling everything. Mom stuff and dad stuff. But he worked all the time. He did a good job though. I turned out alright, did some time in the military, etc. I know he’s proud of me.
We’ve been “trying” again lately. Like actually making an effort to talk and be in each other’s lives. I’m trying more than I ever have before. I’ll be honest, I’ve also spent a lot of time kind of being absent on purpose, and I’m not proud of that.
My car broke down recently, so I went back home from halfway across the country so we could fix it together. It was bumpy at times, but honestly… it was awesome. Like really awesome. I didn’t expect that.
But at the end of it, he had to leave for a few days to help family. And something happened that caught me completely off guard.
I almost broke down crying.
That’s not really me. I’ve been in way worse situations and kept it together no problem. But this was different. It felt physical. Like my whole body got hot and heavy and I had to fight it hard. He could tell something was up and kept asking what was wrong, and I just couldn’t say anything.
It honestly freaked me out.
Now I feel weird about being around him again. Not because of him, just because of that feeling. It’s like I want something from him emotionally that I don’t even know how to explain, and realistically probably aren’t going to get. He’s older now, raising my younger brother, busy… it is what it is.
I guess what I’m asking is:
Has anyone had something like this happen with their dad later in life?
What even is that feeling?
And how do you deal with it without making things weird or messing up what you do have?
I feel like I’m running out of time to figure this out.