I feel like a huge red flag right now.
I’ve been seriously thinking about divorcing my kind, loving husband, and it feels like my reasons are selfish. He really is a good person, always gentle and caring toward me. But just two months before our wedding, he told me he was changing his career path to become a pastor.
At that point, I could have stepped away from the engagement. But I think I was too overwhelmed and naive. Everyone already knew about the wedding, so many things had been paid for, and I didn’t want to hurt someone so genuinely good. So I went through with it, even though I had a lot of doubts. I cried many times before the wedding, feeling anxious and uncertain about my future. Still, I convinced myself it was just “wedding blues” that many people go through.
Now, a year into our marriage, I can honestly say I’m not happy. I feel like I’ve lost a sense of my femininity, especially since I’m the main source of income while he studies theology. I also feel a lot of pressure to fit the image of a “pastor’s wife,” which I already started experiencing at his church. Eventually, it became too much, so I stopped attending and began going to a different church instead.
More than anything, I don’t feel a desire to build a family with him. I’m not physically drawn to him, and I’ve been avoiding sex for weeks. I can’t picture having or raising children together.
What makes this even more confusing is that I’ve started developing feelings for someone else. I know I won’t act on it because I don’t want to cross that line. But emotionally, I feel like I already have. It makes me question myself… does this already count as cheating?
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Or any advice?
25 comments
I’m sorry…but this is a mess.
You had the heads-up BEFORE the wedding, and you still went through with it reluctantly and with doubts.
Then you’ve become bothered about being part of the Church and left to another one.
Plus…not physically drawn to your good man husband? Why exactly? Because he’s a Pastor? Makes little sense to me.
But the last paragraph got me. I’m going to say it – your wanting to leave most definitely has to do with your wandering eyes on another man.
Your husband is being cheated out of his marriage on multiple fronts. It feels like he’s being lied to.
It sounds from what you describe that your relationship has run its course. You don’t want to be around him and you see the potential of someone new. Yeah?
Doesn’t really matter what the reason is, it’s not fair to either of you to keep this going if your heart isn’t in it. Do you see a way forward where you can reconcile?
Pastor’s wife is a very difficult job. It isn’t going to get any easier, even after he finishes school. I would recommend talking to an individual therapist to work through your feelings and make a decision.
So it’s your husband’s fault you’re possibly having an emotional affair?
The whole first part of this is you finding reasons to justify what you’re doing is acceptable. Just divorce him so he can find someone who isn’t looking to run into someone else’s arms after the first year.
.
Your resentment will get worse. It won’t get better. Did he even discuss the logistics with you.
How you would be the breadwinner until he gets a job. Will he then pay all the bills while you become a stay at home wife or mom?
Or does he expect you to work and be the main breadwinner the whole time and have kids ?
I think you should divorce.
Yeah you should do him the courtesy of divorcing ASAP. He doesn’t deserve to be deceived as you have about your true feelings. You should also do some work on being honest with your feelings in the future. This was a huge life blunder on your part.
Don’t worry about him he’s a pastor, there will be a line of women waiting to be his wife
Hey there- first year of marriage can always be a bit hard- and then with some big decisions like this as well- def makes sense why you might be struggling a bit!!!
The first thing I would do- is stop ANY connection with this person that you have feelings for. STOP. TAKE CONTROL of those thoughts. Don’t romanticize them. JUST STOP that immediately. Do you see this person often? This def will get in the way of your marriage- and you can lie to yourself about alot of what could be great about your marriage. So- turn away from this…and if you must get help with that-find someone to hold you accountable and tell. Maybe a counselor…
Where is the struggle with your femininity coming from? Just because you are working? Have you talked to him about this? He could get a side job to help? Are you just feeling stressed? My daughter just got married almost two years ago- they were young 20 and I know it hasnt been all roses and easy for them. If you were my daughter…I would tell her to put the work and the effort into this marriage you said yes to. FIGHT for it first. Don’t give half of yourself. CHASE after Jesus- HE is where joy comes from. Our hubbies aren’t responsible for our happiness…but if you have a faith- God fills that void. BE CHASING after Him too!! do you have a close relationship with God? Be grateful for a hubby that is doing the same…if you look around they are hard to come by. Gratitude really can change everything…even if you don’t FEEL it…you can start naming all the things that you do like about him? Write them down?
I’m assuming you were attracted to him at one time? Have you guys had time to have fun together? Make connections and laugh? This is important!! Maybe seek out some marriage counseling as well?
What is really going on- if you dig deeper? Be super honest about that? Get it out in the open with him? Be real, be honest and see if you can turn this around. Def don’t get pregnant right now- but intimacy is important and can really help? Maybe if you get this other person out of your head…that would change. TRULY. STOP thinking of this person. You have full control of your thoughts.
I was 12 years into a marriage and was lonely, and unhappy and had sought out all kinds of things to try to fix myself. It wasn’t till I found my faith- and Jesus fill that void for me. It changed my marriage. Do you all pray together?
I’m not going to ascribe judgement on either person too harshly, just trying to remain objective.
A lot of people are shitting on you for this, however I think it’s kind of insane to just quit your career to be a pastor two months before you are supposed to get married and drop that on someone. It’s a life you didn’t think you’d have to live. And it’s (I’m sure) weird to have this submissive pastors wife type of pressure while also being the breadwinner for the home.
I very recently divorced a guy who was also very kind and gentle because I wasn’t happy. He wasn’t a good communicator and we had many other issues but just because someone is kind to you, doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship. I also cried many times before we got married. I was also very young and thought people would be angry with me for canceling and so I felt pressured to continue.
BUT I will say, stop the wandering eye. Don’t leave because you like someone else. Leave because the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Don’t get a divorce and then immediately jump to someone else and get into something serious. In fact, I think removing yourself from that persons proximity would be best to keep your head clear.
It’s time to leave and be honest about why. Sooner rather than later. Don’t wait out of being scared. It’s not fair to him to live a lie with someone who doesn’t want him. It’s also much harder to do once there are shared assets and children. Tell him as soon as you can and have a game plan of somewhere to go stay for a while if you need to step away.
>More than anything, I don’t feel a desire to build a family with him. I’m not physically drawn to him, and I’ve been avoiding sex for weeks. I can’t picture having or raising children together.
>What makes this even more confusing is that I’ve started developing feelings for someone else.
*sigh*
Please end this. Preferably before both congregations put the Red Letter on you. **You’re cheating already**.
So you don’t tell him how you feel about him becoming a pastor and don’t break off the engagement because things were already paid for and you didn’t want to hurt him? So you proceed with the marriage only to really gut him later down the road as you dream about another man’s dick? Wow like ….. now maybe if a few months after you two got married he hit you with the pastor thing you’d have a case but nah that’s just foul behavior.
stop beating yourself up about this. a wedding train is hard to stop and you weren’t seeing him do something very “wrong” just different. so you went ahead with it. makes sense to me.
now, yes get a divorce. his decision is not what you want for your life and for your future children.
I’m sure you should stop the other relationship entirely until the divorce is final.
That’s the only way you can be proud of your next self.
good luck! I hope you build a future that works for you.
If anyone is the red flag in your relationship its you… 🚩
The someone else is the reason let’s be real here. The fact that you got to a point while married to even have a someone else shows how awful you are. No excuse for marrying a man that told you why he was gonna do before hand. It’s your affair that is pushing to want to divorce. Your poor husband smh
It’s okay to leave a relationship for any reason. Just end it and stop dragging it out, it’s time to have the conversation.
If I were in your shoes, I would proceed with the divorce, as this isn’t the kind of married life I would have envisioned.
I don’t believe your husband decided on a career change to become a pastor on the spur of the moment. He could have discussed it with you when it was still just a thought, but he didn’t. Instead, he waited until just two months before your wedding to tell you a decision he had already finalized. That was unfair to you and put you in a difficult position, especially given the sunk costs of backing out at that stage. It feels like a form of betrayal.
You’ve spent a year trying to accept this new reality, being the breadwinner and a “pastor’s wife”, and have come to the conclusion that this isn’t the life you want. It’s time to be honest with your husband about how you feel and discuss what both of you want moving forward. From there, you can decide whether to proceed with the divorce.
Also, please don’t act on your feelings for someone else unless you’ve already divorced.
You are explaining very obvious feelings about their spouse that someone experiences when they begin to have an emotional affair.
Cut both of you months, possibly years of agonizing and divorce him.
Hey girl, leave now before you bring kids into this mess. You know what you want and it’s not this, so please leave now that both of you have not invested so much.
This again. I’d ask the same question as always: why did you do it? You clearly knew it was a bad idea. It’ll be a lot worse now.
It seems that you are living a life blunder, you had plenty of time to at least talk about the changes that he’s making. But at the same time, you seemed to have checked out once you learned about what he’s doing. And so you’re living a life that doesn’t fit your life, just do yourself a favor, and end it. You made up your mind, I experienced similar thing years ago, and since moved on. Couldn’t have been happier, as I learned about her true colors. So I suggest you have a sit down, and tell him. He at least deserves that much.
You both sound religious. I thought the bible was used to navigate these sorts of things, not reddit. Im very confused by religious people. I thought the general jist was to be guided by whichever holy book they believed was the word of the creator. Surely seeking the guidance of a bunch of sinners wouldn’t be optimal in this case. It doesn’t make sense to me.
As a former religious person, I understand 100% the path you were on and how you talked yourself into this relationship. I know that often religions say you need a reason to leave that is strong like abuse or adultery. Maybe why you are almost or kind of cheating really. To give yourself a justification to leave.
But you are deeply unhappy. That is a reason enough to leave. You don’t need any other reason. You should leave and find your own happiness. You can start over and have so many years of joy. Don’t waste more time being unhappy just because “divorce is a sin.” Go be happy now. God wants you to be happy.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is about his job.
My husband *started* as a pastor. He was a pastor when I married him. (And I’m not “pastor’s wife” material either.)
Church politics ended up being too much for him, so he switched to teaching. Which he didn’t love, although he was good at it. I was the bread-winner during this time.
Then the 2008 recession took away his job, and he went back to school to study information systems (a *huge* change) and waited tables for a few years while he was getting a whole new degree. We had two babies and survived on WIC and help from his family.
Now he’s managing and testing systems for a big corporation and making pretty good money.
But through all of those career changes, I never stopped loving or being attracted to my husband. He’s a whole person, not a job or a paycheck. Who he *was* didn’t change when his title did!
You say a lot of great things about your husband’s character and personality. If you truly love him, going to a different church would simply be an inconvenience, not a deal-breaker. Being the bread-winner would be a hardship, but probably a temporary one.
I suspect it’s really, deep down, about this new romantic interest. Infatuation is a powerful drug. It can color how we interpret our current situation, and even influence our memories. I suspect your new attraction is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
Soooo…TLDR = I’m attracted to another man so I have created a bunch of silly reasons to divorce my husband, who is a good man, so I can pursue this other guy. Did I miss anything?