So my girlfriend 30F and myself 30M have been in a relationship for 3 years now. We have both have had an explorative past when it has come to sex, but there are still something’s I haven’t been able to try and for her she doesn’t have interest in be explorative anymore. For me there is still a desire to explore swinging and go to a sex party.
When talking about it recently she said that if I still wanted to explore swinging and going to a sex party she would be open to me doing that on my own. She doesn’t want to hold me back from having that experience, exploring that part of sex, and doesn’t want there to be any resentment on my end for not being able to try it. It took me aback that she’s willing to let me do that, and the last time it came up was a year and a half ago.
If you were in this situation how would you feel about your partner letting you explore your desire like that? It feels like a hall pass in a way. We didn’t go super deep into details, but I’m sure there will be more conversations about what that could look like and boundaries to make sure it doesn’t derail our relationship we have together.
42 comments
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The window had closed.
Tell her you love her and that won’t happen.
Job done
I think it depends how much you love and respect your girlfriend. Even if she SAYS she doesn’t want to hold you back, I can’t imagine anyone not being hurt in some fashion if they were in her shoes. This is strictly my opinion, but if you love and respect your girlfriend and there is a possibility of a lifetime relationship, don’t do it. If she’s just your girlfriend of the moment and you’re not that serious, go right ahead.
Where is Admiral Ackbar when you need him?
Nope this is not something you want to do.
If you want to be in an open relathionship or swinging this is something that needs extensive talks abt defining what is or isnt okay.
Your gf could just be okay with it as a concept but when she actually sees it happening can break her heart. Then she is stuck in a rock and a hard place where she doesnt want to deny you but this also feels terrible for her.
If this is something you feel is a core part of you and NOT just exploration or the sake of writing things off a bucket list head over to r/nonmonogamy and read up on reading material reconmended there.
Maaaan that’s something only only she can really answer. And you to judge if it’s real and not a trap. And even with best intentions she may still get hurt. There needs to be a lot of discussion and transparency for something like this to work and that’s if she’s actually prepared or able to handle it either. Or you for that matter. You might try it and still feel terrible too.
Good luck. Some fantasies and bucket list items can stay fantasies.
You’re letting your small head talk you out of listening to your big head, because surely you can see that this is a trap.
My god man, enjoy her, be happy and don’t even think about it. It has disaster written all over it
She’s waiting for you to choose not to do something dumb so she can know for certain you’re not dumb like that.
Are you trying to speed run breaking up, seriously? Don’t be a fool
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For the love of god man don’t this is obviously a trap. Your a moth flying to a flame. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT.
Don’t do it if you want a future with her
You do it kiss the relationship goodbye
This is just begging for a really bad break-up.
Bro, this is just like a slow way to break up.
This sub sucks at advice on topics like this.
Dude only you have the rapport with your partner to know if she earnestly wants you to go, or if it’s “a trap” like others are saying.
Then if it is a trap, well… Why would you wanna play those games and be with someone who sets you up like that anyway?
Bring it up again. Talk to her. Tell her that it’s something that still interests you but you’re thrown off that she doesn’t want to do it with you. Let her know your priorities, whatever those are.
Don’t play games. Don’t live in fear of others playing games. Communicate.
Not worth the trouble lol. Just say no you fool.
I am squarely in the swinging and ENM community. DONT FUCKING DO IT.
Edit: It’s not even because of it being a possible trap. It’s because doing this requires dual buy-in for it to work. I have seen so many marriages and relationships fail because of mismatched priorities around sexual exploration. I work in a literal sex club I know wtf I’m talking about.
Don’t do It. She’s not gonna like you doing It.
My situation is similar but different. My wife of 20-ish years is asexual. Neither of us knew that when we got married.
I’m glossing over a lot here, but after 15 years of essentially no sex, we have come to the arrangement that I have some limited freedom to explore ENM (Ethical Non Monogamy) to satisfy my urges and desires.
On one hand, it has been a life changing experience for me, and I have a new lease on life. On the other, it has created some strife in our relationship and she has some issues with it.
You’d think it would be easy: she’s asexual, and actually a bit sex adverse. You’d think she wouldn’t care. But she does. And I do as well. I’d rather have a relationship with her if possible. It would be far less complicated.
OP, you’re in a tough spot. This will change your relationship, but how is not known yet. The flip side of it is, if you don’t go explore, that will likely eat at the relationship in the future.
The only advice I have is radical honesty and real, no bullshit communication. That’s the only way this will ever work.
How desperate are you? For a fantasy? Because it will be the fantasy becoming reality at the loss of your relationship. No doubt. Even if she legitimately feels this way now, and is not just under pressure to please you, it will not be the same afterwards. 100%. Really the question is: what do you value the most?
Yeah, just apologise and say you thought about it and don’t want anything to do with it. Treat her well, G.
As everyone else is saying, this feels like a trap.
It’s making you choose between her or the fantasy. She’s “fine” with it, because if you do it, it says that the fantasy was more important than her.
There’s a VERY slim chance she is actually ok with this, and if she’s important to you, it needs to stay as a fantasy mate!
With everyone that asks advice on this sub, we don’t know your situation so can’t say for sure. But I will say, I’ve know couples that were swingers and had a hard time keeping it together, let alone one person swinging while the other isn’t interested.
If you go down this path, the statistics aren’t in your favor. But maybe your situation is unique and it works. Probably not, but maybe. If you value this person long term, it might just not be worth the risk, or better said, it might not be worth the strain it will put on your relationship.
Don’t go without her or you’re a goner!
There’s literally only two ways this will go, which is that it will end your relationship or it won’t. Why are you asking Reddit when you should be talking to your girlfriend about this?
Say no, you fool.
— Gandalf (2026)
“she doesn’t want any resentment”<- maybe this is why she’s saying yes? that she is scared of u resenting her and hence always fantasizing abt fucking other ppl (which is essentially what swinging and sex parties are) , you’d probably wanna reassure her that whether or not u go , u wouldn’t resent her, maybe she’d change her stance but imo if my partner is gonna resent me for smth i might just close an eye and let them do it while possibly slowly being resentful myself
Two things:
1) Likely a test.
2) Single guys have terrible odds when it comes to swinging, they’re a dime a dozen.
Conclusion: Don’t bother. If she’s not going it’s likely to go nowhere.
Keep that a fantasy. You’ll only get to have one a relationship or a fulfilled fantasy. You will not have both.
She probably has someone else in mind while you’re busy with your orgy.
You deserve to be single.
Lol don’t do it and be fine with it or leave. It’s really the only sane way this goes down and things are actually fine.
Tell us when you get dumped
It’s a trap, your answer should have been “you are my fantasy” then have sex with her. She doesn’t know what she is asking.
Nobody can be that oblivious!
Don’t wanna shock you but your gf doesn’t actually want you to go to the party.
What is it you’re specifically missing from your relationship that is making you want to do these things?
Is she saying to go ahead and do it because it won’t bother her or she’d even get some kind of compersion from it? Or is she just worried she’ll lose you if she doesn’t allow you this outlet and has calculated that as being worse than putting up with it? Because the latter is a recipe for disaster.
If she has a change of heart down the road and wants to experiment with partners other than you will you be open to that?
I’m not really sure what the core question here is, but I don’t think reddit can predict whether this will go well or be a quagmire. It sounds like you have more communication to do before you know that answer yourself.
You said you had an adventurous history but left out what that means. None of the advice here can be validated unless we actually know your current dynamic and how much experience you have with non-monogamy. But as someone with quite a bit of experience with non-monogamy AND sex parties, I really do not recommend you move forward with this without her on-board and physically present. She doesn’t know yet how difficult it is to know something happened but not know what. It is uniquely challenging and painful to not want to know something but feel like you can’t move past it until you do.
Just a few months ago you posted this about your girlfriend: “She also is turned on by the idea of a woman flirting with me, and knowing that I’m always going to come back to her and that’s I’m hers. She isn’t into sharing me in a sexual way either, so it’s not like a cuckquean or inversion of a traditionally stag/vixen dynamic. I feel the same way with my girlfriend and it’s incredibly validating and attractive with knowing how attractive we both are, secure with each other, and that we get one another when nobody else can have us.”
She’s clearly only doing this to appease you and there’s no enthusiastic consent on her end. This has a good chance of ruining the dynamic you described above, as her apparent kink involves knowing that nobody else gets to have you. This will destroy that and there will be no way of getting it back. I would not be surprised if this has a negative affect on her attraction to you/your sex life at best, and ruins your whole relationship at worst.
She loves you enough to say yes to your micro cheating. Whether it’s a trap or not, you will hurt her one way or another. I hope she leaves you if this isn’t ragebait
You need to call her and tell her you immediately regret what you said because based on her response she may have already broken up with you in her head. Fix it asap.