I’m (40M) married to my wife (38F), together about 16 years, married 9. We’ve got a house, dogs, and a solid life on paper. I’m not looking to leave, but I’m struggling with how things feel.
Our sex life is basically gone. But more than that, there’s just no intimacy towards me anymore. I don’t feel desired at all.
What’s hard is I feel like I give a lot, massages, head tickles, general affection and I want to. But it doesn’t really come back the other way. It feels one-sided. I’m the giver, she’s the receiver.
She has suspected endometriosis, which I’ve always tried to be understanding about. But she doesn’t actually have pain during sex, so I’m struggling to understand why there’s just no desire at all anymore.
It’s got to the point where I’ve caught myself thinking I need to lose weight or change how I look to be more attractive to her, which I know probably isn’t healthy, but that’s where my head’s at.
Biggest issue is I’m terrible at talking about this stuff. I avoid confrontation, and I know if I bring it up she’ll get emotional, I’ll back off, and nothing changes. So I just keep it to myself.
There’s also a lot going on in the background last few years including bereavement, house renovation stress, and we’re in the middle of fertility treatment (I’ve got a microTESE coming up). If anything, that’s making me question things more. Not in a “I want out” way, but it feels wrong pushing forward with something this big when I (we?) feel so disconnected.
I feel stuck. We’ve built a life together, so it’s not simple. But I also don’t know how long I can keep feeling like this.
Has anyone been in a situation where desire has just completely disappeared? Did anything actually change it?
And how do you even start this conversation when you’re bad at expressing it and don’t want it to turn into pressure?
TL;DR:
40M married to 38F, together 16 years. No sex or intimacy, feels one-sided and I don’t feel desired. Struggle to talk about it and avoid confrontation. Fertility treatment is making me question things. Not sure how to fix it or even bring it up.