This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Facebook Dating’s new AI filter is dogshit and they need to cut it the fuck out. It was already crappy (I’m looking within 25 miles of me why are you showing people 200 miles away) but now its even worse.
Haven’t got any matches on Hinge although I was matching with at least 1-2 people a week since new years. Even paid for HingeX again and nothing. wtf what’s with the drop?
maybe in a weird way it’s a good thing dating hasn’t worked out for me this year. i ended 3 relationships the previous 2 years mostly based on “grass is greener” mentality (there were small issues but could have been resolved thru communication…i think)
I started dating a woman a few months back who is separated and not yet legally got the process in motion due to various understandable reasons. I let her know from the very beginning that I would not be interested in a relationship until things are finalized but I’m cool with continuing to know her. Multiple dates and lots of intimacy later, there’s still no progress or potential timetable for her divorce. I haven’t stopped dating others and she is aware of this, so I feel I am being ethical and transparent. I like her and enjoy the time (and sex) with her. But at the same time, I don’t feel anything deeper towards her. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything deeper just due to her situation or if it’s something else about her (maybe both). I checked in with her the other day after spending a few hours together and shared with her the above thoughts.
She seemed to think that I was trying to break things off with her, but I do enjoy spending time with her (and obviously the consistent intimacy too). And I believe she wants to continue seeing me for the same reason and is obviously not ready for a relationship yet but will definitely want one in the future after her situation resolves. But at the same time, there is the possibility as I continue dating others that I fall for someone else and pursue a relationship with them instead.
Have I done enough open and honest communication about this? In the weeks and months ahead, as I continue dating others, I may find someone else who is ready now. She will undoubtedly be upset if this happens but I just want an outside perspective on this.
Tell me I (30 someting F) am bonkers
Had a plumber + his team over last week, my unit was leaking into the unit below me (unbenowst to me at the time), so property management sent over a team to check out both units.
The head plumber was really jokey, took me a second to realize as his humor was deadpan delivery for sarcasm. Once I caught on it was all good, I had to lend them my stud finder and he was like “Oh I see you are doing better than us now.” Later on he jokingly punched me in the arm (I promise it was light, fit the mood). This morning I had a follow-up question, so I called him. He answered right away and called me by name in greeting, didn’t need a reminder who I was, like the way I would answer the phone if a friend called.
Am I reading into things because I am looking for my search to be over? Was that a man flirting with me in real life face to face or no? I don’t really get picked up at bars and whatnot when I am out, more than anything I am curious if I can discern flirting from friendliness
whoops I might like this guy? I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date before where I was actually thinking this much about the person the next day. hmmmmmm
I struggle a bit with people who seem overtly more confident/experienced than I am. He has a bit of a “bro” personality though I think he is ultimately a nice/genuine person, but doesn’t lead with gentleness if that makes sense, and I’m thinking a bit ahead to having to talk about vulnerable things like how I’ve never been in a relationship/had sex etc. (if it gets to that point, which it seems like it could if he continues to be interested) and don’t quite know if I can trust this person to handle it all well. Based on his description he’s had a pretty good time navigating life socially (friends, dating, parents, etc) while I’ve really struggled (difficult parents, bullied in school, no dating life) and even though I feel like I have a good handle on those things after having done therapy, I’m still not sure about opening up to this guy about it all.
Does anyone have tips for taking/getting good solo, full body shots as a man?
I have selfies and group photos that I really like, but I need 1-2 solo full body pictures. I feel like I consistently look way worse in these than I do in other photos. I’ve tried having friends take photos and doing so myself with a tripod and remote, but in both cases I don’t like how I look.
I think the biggest issues is I’m not sure how to pose in a flattering but also natural way for a solo full body shot. I end up looking awkward and dopey in these pictures. I especially don’t know what to do with my hands.
Thoughts on if guys should or shouldn’t smile? If you click on my reddit profile, my picture here is the same one I use in Hinge.
I personally think the angles of my face look better when I don’t have a big toothy smile. I’m getting 5 matches a week and receive 1 like per week on this picture.
Having a nice connection with another woman on the apps. She said she’d love to meet at the end of the month (work travel obligation) and continue talking until then. I’m OK with that (no plans to put dating others on hold, etc.), but any advice for avoiding getting too invested before we’ve actually met?
We had our first sleepover. Before I went over, he moved his bed which is usually against the wall, and put his night stand on “my side” so I’d have somewhere to put my things. 😭
My (34f) boyfriend (35m) of 1.5 years have been planning to move in together but I think it’s time to “sh*t or get off the pot”.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years. When we started dating, he was clear and very upfront with me that he was in a bit of a transitional period of his life. That a few months prior he was laid off from his role as GM for a store chain that closed. He worked for that company for ten years. He said he had taken his money from his 401k when he was laid off and used it to pay off his car any debt and for living expenses while he was unemployed. He said he was enjoying some time off because he never took his vacation days or sick days and he basically worked ten years straight and needed a break. He also stated that he was living with him mom but he framed it as he was helping her financially and it made sense for both of them for him to be there.
Within about a month of us dating he got a job as assistant manager for a dollar general type of place. His current GM is someone he worked with at his last job and he likes it because he gets a lot of flexibility for his scheduling. He said it was temporary and he wanted to go back to school or get into a trade, and wanted to build a fulfilling career outside of retail.
But now over a year later he seems content where he is. I’m not necessarily saying that’s a bad thing, I’m not knocking retail. It’s just that he is making basically minimum wage in a company that has zero growth opportunity. He is in his mid thirties. There is a revolving door of employees at his store, and it’s all basically entry level including his role. He takes a lot of pride in his work and is always on time and works hard and is one of their best employees but I really feel like he is selling himself short. Anytime they call and need him on a day off, he goes. If they have questions on his days off, he answers. I’d understand if he was in a salaried management position but he is literally making minimum wage.
Since we’ve been dating I’ve learned he’s really only lived outside his mom’s house for a couple of years when he lived with a friend. But I guess he didn’t like it and he moved back.
He pays a little towards rent and contributes with chores but primarily he lives WITH his mom. They have a very close relationship and it’s been a bit of a hindrance in our relationship because he isn’t good at setting boundaries with her, and she treats him like a child and a partner at the same time. They do everything together and she gets jealous when he spends time with me. She guilt trips him about stuff a lot. He has two sisters and they’ve both moved very far away. A couple months ago she made a comment about our plans to move in together and made some out of pocket comments about my family and it stirred stuff up a bit. I get the feeling she was intentionally trying to create conflict between my boyfriend and I. His mom definitely uses emotional guilt and manipulation with her kids. The sisters are better at setting boundaries and have made comments to my boyfriend about it.
Anyway, he is overall a great guy. He’s kind and romantic and I love the time we spend together. But over the last few months I can’t shake the feeling that what I see is basically what I’m going to get.
We had been talking a lot about the future and moving in and what are goals are- but it just doesn’t seem like it will happen for us. For starters, in the last year he hasn’t done anything or made any effort to work towards any career related goals. We had set a goal of moving in together this summer but I just don’t see it happening. I don’t think he is fully aware of what all comes with managing a household and I don’t think he would be able to meet me in the middle financially.
I also just can’t picture him leaving his moms. She is very dependent on him and he’s already said even if he moves out he will need to help with stuff around her house because his mom has two dogs and he will have to help with them.
He has also never lived outside the neighborhood he’s in and he doesn’t seem like he wants to leave the area. I, on the other hand, love our city but also want to be able to live elsewhere for a myriad of other reasons.
I want to be able to live comfortably. I want to be able to travel and have other experiences, and I don’t think he wants the same kind of life. He is totally content with coming home and playing video games every day. I have been asking him to get his passport for over a year and he hasn’t done it because it’s “really expensive” but he buys beer, weed, magic cards and goes out to eat/drink on a regular basis.
He even told me recently he was at a point in his life when we met where he wasn’t looking for a relationship and he was content with where he was at and he had already pretty much decided that was it for him. Since he’s said that I just can’t shake that we want different things.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted kids and part of me was leaning towards yes but with him as a partner I know that isn’t something I can have. I know love is supposed to be enough but I need security and stability and I don’t want to be poor, I don’t want to be stressed about paying bills and not being able to enjoy my life.
I don’t know if I want to date a guy that smokes weed all day and drinks every night and doesn’t take care of himself and his health. I don’t want to remind a guy to brush his teeth at night so I can kiss him. I love my career. I love to travel. I have a 12 year old son and a mortgage. I like to go to the gym and hiking.
I’ve been feeling less attracted to him because every time I look at him I just see this mommas boy that just sits at his desk gaming and drinking bud light until his mom knocks on his door to tell him it’s time to come eat dinner. And their house is disgusting. He keeps up on his laundry and “tidies” up but their house is filthy. I grew up poor with drug addict parents and even my house didn’t look like that. He definitely is cleaner than his mom but I’m starting to worry he is content living like that and I don’t want my home to reflect that.
When we are together it’s awesome. We communicate well. He’s thoughtful and kind and romantic. He does put effort into our relationship. When he comes over he always helps me with dinner and around the house. He’s awesome with my son and my family. He’s good to his friends. He is a good guy. I do love him and I do want to have a life with him. When we talk about the future it’s great. We’ve gone on trips together and it’s great. I do end up covering most of the finances on our trips and it can be frustrating but I think that’s my own fault for just kind of planning and then telling him what’s up. for the next trip I was more clear about our budgets.
We have talked about his relationship with his mom. It’s a delicate conversation and it’s been tricky to navigate but he is open and understanding that he needs to set clear and strong boundaries. I don’t go over there as much because she can be a lot. We have a camping event coming up with her next month and I’m kind of dreading it.
I am having all these doubts but I’m internalizing them and it’s been making me crankier and he’s been wondering what’s wrong. I know I need to find a way to voice my concerns so I can give him a chance to show me if we can make this work but I’m not really sure how to go about it. Recently we have been having more disagreements about things, and it’s really beginning to feel like we aren’t on the same page. Then we will talk about it and he will reassure me he loves me and he will do anything for me and he just wants to make me happy. Then he will cry and say I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he can’t picture his life with out me and doesn’t know what he would do if I left him and he feels like he isn’t good enough for me and not enough for me. To which I always try and reassure him he is, but when I am having all these thoughts that feels disingenuous of me.
I want to believe we can make this work but I think ultimately, I need him to show me he can be more before I uproot my life for him. I don’t think he can grow in his environment though. Do we move in and I give it six months to a year to see if he can be the man I believe he can be? Do I give him ultimatums before we move in together?
I was in an abusive relationship for ten years. Then I was single and did therapy and eventually I met this guy. It felt like a dream come true because he is kind and loves me and makes me feel safe and loved and he is patient and sweet and romantically and emotionally a fantastic partner. It feels like that should be enough but why does it feel like I am settling
Been seeing a girl who I was friends first with. Started with coffee and walks but escalated to dinner and it’s now romantic, kissing holding hands etc, she’s coming over for a movie on Wednesday. But I have realised neither of us have actually verbalised anything about whatever it is. I was thinking of saying something about not wanting to pressure her at all, but I am looking for this to go somewhere and I just want to know she’s on the same page? Something along those lines at least. Just want to be clear this has the potential to be something more than casual if that makes sense?
33M, work 60-70 hours a week, dead on weekends, and keep losing out on great women because of it.
Broke up with 6-year girlfriend when I was 30 because we argued relentlessly after I skipped her grandma’s funeral.
Had a great girl move in with me last year, but could not stand living with her because she worked night shifts and I like super want to sleep in on weekends.
Dated an awesome woman beginning this year but there was just 0 affection between us (I assume because I am a shell of myself on weekends).
Just not sure how to make relationships work with this job. Other people figure it out, but I cannot.
Guess I just need to try again…
I’m buying tickets for the olympics today. I am sad.
This isnt something I want to do solo. But I don’t know if I can afford to buy double tickets. If I don’t go I’d never forgive myself.
Yes I have friends. No they don’t have the finances to attend. And who knows if they’ll even be able to attend (most are immigrants still on visa).
10 yrs ago when I first saw it was coming to America it has been on my bucket list. I just wish I could cross it off WITH someone else I love by my side
Been thinking a lot about the way different people tend to move in the beginning of relationships and the nature of uncertainty and commitment. I’ve rejected my fair share of people but it’s never been MONTHs into the situation. I need two dates max to decide if I want to keep seeing someone and if I don’t, I clearly and kindly tell them. Now, if I’m 3+ dates into the thing with you and it’s clearly progressing and going well, I’m pretty much only ending things if a big red flag pops up. This isn’t usually how things happen for me though, when I’m getting rejected. It tends to happen as soon as things start to be going somewhere. I know it’s common for budding relationships to end 2-3 months in once some of the NRE wears off but like…what is with the people who stop watering it as soon as it starts to grow? Like if nothing obviously happened to derail the connection, why are we taking months to make up our minds if we’d like to be in a relationship? It’s not marriage. It’s not a blood oath. Are these people just pretending along until it gets real, or are they not into it from the beginning and just milking it or are they just generally emotionally confused people who are trying to “figure out” what they want? I just don’t get it. I’ve never found myself in something exciting and thought you know what, let me ruin this before I get in any deeper NOR have I thought “I’m lukewarm about this person but I’m bored so this will do for now.” Mind you, almost every time this has happened, the person pursued me in the beginning and was progressing things at a normal pace, no major red flags. And they obviously did care on some level.
I did clock some yellow flags in my last situation. I think I was dealing with an avoidant. We talked about our past relationships and he said he’d ended things with the last woman he dated after 7 months because he “wasn’t feeling enough” or something to that degree. Maybe just not in touch with his motivations and feelings? Or in touch with them and just wired totally differently? IDK. He backed off of us when it was clearly time to stay or go, wanted to be casual, etc. But knew from jump that I was looking for a life partner and he was looking for an LTR. Certainly seemed to care. The connection felt special (to me, anyway). But here we are.
I don’t get it. I just don’t. But I’ve never ended a good thing. I tend to try to keep those things in my life.
Male here, question for the ladies:
I had a great first date a few days ago. She wants to see me a few more times before we commit to anything. At this point, are yall looking for something specific? Maybe like hints of green or red flags? Or is it just more general testing of chemistry? We’ve talked a lot about important and serious topics and we agree on pretty much everything so far which is really nice.
So, there’s a guy I’ve met through a social group in a bar setting a couple times and we’ve been talking some.
I had signaled interest by saying I’d like to talk to him more, which he followed up on getting my number and we’ve texted some. Gaps in communication have lengthened, and I can see he has notifications silenced for me. I’m not sure why. He didn’t text back for 3 days last week…until the outing we both go to. He even apologized but yeah…
The outing felt like a date with him focused on just talking to me, even when I tried to branch out and mingle with friends more. I thought he seemed very interested, and he brought up getting together one on one. He said we’d plan it over text.
He’s messaged me since, and I brought up if he wanted to put a plan together, and now I haven’t heard from him in over 24 hours. It feels like he’s kinda left me hanging a bit. Like I just want to disengage now and just be friends.
Is this normal tho? I actually don’t mind not texting much, or a slower pace, but I also read it as disinterest or low effort. I am trying to be more open to healthy dating patterns, as I’ve been susceptible to love-bombing in the past and I don’t want that.
The dreaded “I think it would be better if we kept things as friends” came this morning. I am taking it better than expected.
I woke up feeling a bit sad about returning to work tomorrow, but I’ve ended up having such a lovely day! I worked out, made myself a nice breakfast, sketched and added watercolors to my drawing. I listened to an audiobook that made me kiki and chuckle with myself. I’ve another good book on deck to read later tonight. My friend texted me to tell me that she had her baby and I was so so so elated to see that news on my phone. I ran out of groceries but managed to scrape together a solid survival meal with my scraps (lmao). Planning to watch the sunset this eve if weather permits (looks like rain). I feel like I’m slowly coming out of my illness rut and back to myself.
Really hoping to carry some of this good energy into the summer and maybe into dating???
Welp! Bought my first house at 25 going to get my second home by myself at 35 early next year all alone. I am proud of that statement but this time it feels more final that I will be planning the rest of my alone without a partner. Priortizing a small detached home with a finished basement for hobbies and closer to downtown and no schools. Happy I can afford to do this but was hoping my second home would be with a partner.
Sex after weed gummies. Total game-changer. Sheer *bliss.*
I just remembered I bought tickets to the symphony for June back in January. I made it a goal to find a date. That has failed miserably.
It’s funny, whenever I feel at peace with being alone, something small like this smacks me in the face.
Guess I’ll invite a friend for the 2nd ticket….. Again.
Not sure how much benefit of the doubt I should give to someone who is going for the cheapest and most convenient for them date. Even for a casual connection, I hate that energy.
Feel like I need a mental break from everything right now. Not really in a I’m depressed way, but just a need to disconnect and re-evaluate. So much happening between my work being a little crazy, job searching, a sick grandfather, trying to feel like I didn’t completely screwed up my life by working in kitchens and not having time, or even engergy, to work social skills, dating, or just having a life outside the kitchen. Some of this is stuff I have or will bring up with my new therapist though.
I’m accepting that, even though I’m middle aged and estranged from my family, I’m still the independent child of parents with drug problems. It makes romantic relationships hard because I don’t have the same support network that some people have and my values reflect that. I live lean, keep healthy savings, and find joy in my favourite people and simple low key things.
I can chat up anybody and have made great friends/ really meaningful connections with people who aren’t from my SES/background. I only need to share a value or two with someone for a friendship to be viable. Though when it comes to someone to intimately attach to, I want to share a lot more.
Taking a dating break while I do the childhood trauma work has been really helpful. I’m realizing that I need someone else who’s pretty independent.
Reached out to my ex after 4 months of no contact (together 1 year). We really liked each other but we weren’t communicating properly. We were the same in that we are both afraid of upsetting the other due to past relationship trauma so we just avoided addressing absolutely anything which created distance and ultimately a breakup. I don’t think we fully understood the dynamic that was playing out at the time.
We both feel like we have a special connection with each other, like we understand each other on a deeper level than other people in our life or previous partners and there such a familiarity and comfort in each other. Despite the breakup we both still had feelings for each other.
We had a serious talk in person last night about everything we didn’t address during the relationship and if it’s a good or bad idea to get back together, how to make sure our communication stays strong, etc. It was a very productive talk and at the end we were catching up on each other’s lives and talking like we didn’t just go through a breakup and spend 4 months with no contact. We both want to get back together I think, but we both see a problem that we don’t have a solution to.
I have 2 cats and she has 4. She’s fully aware 4 cats is a lot and we both agree there’s no possible way we could move in and have 6 cats, but none of them are dying anytime soon and neither of us is willing to rehome any of ours. We don’t know how to proceed.
Could we be okay dating for years, maybe over a decade before enough cats pass to move in together? We didn’t make any decisions but we are talking again and going to revisit the topic in a week. I never thought I’d even consider not being able to move in with someone for that long, but she’s so special to me that I’m very much considering it.
Regardless, it looks like we have a path forward to being incredible friends at a minimum which I’m thankful for.
Kinda frustrated. So my not-wingwoman friend told me that my crush is probably pursuing someone. If it is true, I would be genuinely happy for him in the same way I would be happy for any of the other guys in the friend group. But it doesn’t make it less frustrating or lonely for me – and there’s a good chance I would still need to work with him at some point.
I know he is a great guy (otherwise I wouldn’t have had a crush) but lately (before my friend told me this) I found myself less “crushy” but in more of a “I actually have a lot of respect for this guy” kinda feelings, and he is genuinely nice and I could maybe consider him to be a friend (to the same level I consider the rest of the group to be my friends) also, we did chat about some deeper topics during the car ride that I probably wouldn’t have chatted to him about – but then maybe he is like that with everybody, who knows? (Eg I know about his frustrations with work – it actually sounded like he is at the burnt out level, I know how many kids he wants, and how he is working on himself at the moment)
Had my first sleepover with the person I’ve been seeing for about two months. It was really nice.
How do you deal with loneliness and insecurity about being lonely? I’m a guy in my 30s and I’ve never had a relationship. It makes me really self conscious and sad. How can I handle this?
The loneliness is insane. Friends and family just don’t cut this type of loneliness. Nothing beats cuddling and forehead kisses
It’s interesting to me how some of the “little things” are the things that I find myself missing the most from a relationship. I had a LTR end back in January, and while I still think about her at some point, at least once a day, it’s not all day, everyday, so progress is happening! Haha
I went to a “Coffee and Cars” show with my friend over the weekend, and I was commenting to her how with watching all the people, one of the things I really miss is holding hands while out with someone like that. The small cuddles as you stand and look at something, the small inside jokes or looks. – Just the closeness that someone shows you they are there. Obviously all the deeper connection stuff is fantastic too, but that’s what I see myself missing most right now.
Did ya’ll outgrow that sort of ‘butterflies in your chest’ feeling? I feel like i haven’t gotten that, or a spark, or ??? in a while now.
Am i just out here looking for vaguely nice consecutive dates and that’s it?
Isn’t it crazy to think of how many of us in the world are lonely but it still seems impossible to find a lasting match
There’s a girl I’ve been dating for the past month whom I have a lot in common and seem to really click with. After our first date, she said she wanted to give me a chance but wasn’t ready for a relationship yet since her last one ended in February, so I agreed to take thing slow. However, since then, things have been escalating between us. Our last two dates both lasted over 5 hours long having deep conversations the whole time with neither of us wanting to leave, and she’s been a lot more touchy with me the past two weeks, holding my hand when walking and sitting next to me leaning in so that our shoulders and thighs touch. I don’t know when I should go for a kiss. It’s pretty obvious that we’re both really into each other, but I don’t want to rush things if she’s not ready for that yet.