Married 14 years, together 22. Two kids (4 & 10). I think my marriage might be ending, and I’m trying to understand whether I’m being selfish — or if this relationship is simply no longer working.
My wife is the only woman I’ve ever dated. We’re both highly educated professionals and financially independent. On paper, everything should be fine. But a week ago, we talked about divorce for the first time, and nothing has changed since. Here’s where things stand.
Work & Responsibilities
I work long hours — usually at least 10 hours a day on weekdays, plus occasional weekend work. I also travel a lot (at least 25%) and have late-night calls. When I’m home, I work remotely, which means I can watch the kids during meetings, but not in the way my wife considers “being with them.”
My wife’s job is more flexible, with better hourly pay, though overall lower income than mine. She handles much more of the childcare and household responsibilities.
My Daily Life
My life is basically work and kids. I don’t have time-consuming hobbies. I need about 30–60 minutes at night to decompress before bed — usually a beer and some YouTube. She dislikes the beer, so now it’s just YouTube.
Attempts to Fix Things
I’ve tried different ways to reconnect with her:
- Gifts — she doesn’t like them and says she can buy things herself.
- Dates — she doesn’t want to go out because she’d rather I spend that time giving her a break from the kids.
- Taking the kids out — I’ve been doing this more, but she has strong opinions about how I should do it.
Nothing seems to help.
Why I Mentioned Divorce
I’m not happy anymore. She constantly asks me to change my job, which I hate because I actually like my job. I don’t think the job is the real issue — I think she just doesn’t like me anymore, and maybe I don’t like her either. Our conversations turn toxic quickly, mostly from her side. One night I cried in my sleep, and that scared me.
How She Talks to Me
She rarely gives me credit for anything. She makes negative comments about almost everything I do. She has told me — in front of our kids — that marrying me was a mistake. It hurts deeply. To be fair, I’m not the most organized person, and I’m not great at keeping the house tidy. I tried hiring help, but she doesn’t want strangers around regularly. We only have a cleaner every other week.
My Role as a Father
I’m not perfect, but I try.
I take my son skiing every week in winter and play basketball with him in summer. I love spending time with my daughter — she genuinely makes me happy. When I’m not working, I make myself available: parks, movies, hikes, helping them with problems. I’d give myself a C as a parent, but I’m trying.
My Questions
I’m wondering if I’m being selfish.
Should I give up the job I love because she wants me to? Would that even fix anything? I doubt it. I don’t think the problem is my job — I think the problem is that she doesn’t like me anymore. She wants me to become a different man, and I don’t think I can be that person