Prior to my cancer journey, my wife and I were more like roommates just coexisting in the same space. The 2 of us had stressful jobs, were always tired, and snapped at one another all the time. Intimate maybe once in a blue moon if we were lucky, and then it felt like ticking off a list, no spark whatsoever. And perhaps the worst part was that we never really discussed it. Instead we childishly decided it would be a good idea to throw hints, make half jokes, or get passive aggressive over nothing and let it build up. Then boom, I was diagnosed with stage II stomach cancer. I remember sitting there after I got the news but didn’t tell her yet, thinking this is it, this is where she’ll tap out. Because if we were already struggling with normal life, how tf were we supposed to survive that? Nope, she didn’t leave, the complete opposite actually. She showed up for every appointment, bad day, and moment where we weren’t sure whether we should be hopeful or scared. She was there for everything and not in a resentful way but 100% present. In the middle of the chaos, treatment, hospital stays, and fear, we changed for the better, starting to talk and have real convos again, the kind where we said whatever we’d been avoiding because now it felt ridiculous not to. We admitted we’d been drifting apart, missed each other, were both hurting, and were also pretty stubborn about it. Facing that as a unit made us put our pride aside. Fast forward, I’m currently cancer free, which feels weird to say aloud tbh.
The irony is that physically, it isn’t necessarily easier either. Chemo/radiation did a number on my body, I’ve got ED, which I’m on meds for. We plan sex ahead of time and are also in over our heads in medical debt, and yet, our marriage is better than it’s ever been. The connection and yearning is restored and we’re finally an “us” again. We laugh when things don’t go perfect, are honest, and are back on the same team. Am I saying that you need to get cancer to fix your relationship? Absolutely not. What I do think is that going through something together, even if it’s small, can make you look at what truly matters and crack things open in a way that’s hard to fake. Sometimes what’s buried beneath that frustrated surface is worth fighting for. If you’re in the midst of it, feeling stuck, numb, or like it’s already over, maybe it’s not and life’s too short to not give it your all. There could very well still be something meaningful there, speaking from personal experience because I know that ended up being the case for me. Anyway, that’s my ramble. Thanks if you read all the way and I hope it can help someone 🙂