I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t like, and I can’t tell if it’s normal or something I need to fix.
When I’m talking to someone I’m not that invested in, I’m completely fine. I joke easily, I don’t overthink messages, I just say whatever comes to mind. Conversations feel natural and I don’t second guess anything. But the second I actually like someone, it’s like a switch flips.
I start thinking about everything. How long I should wait to reply, how a message might come across, whether I’m being too much or not enough. I’ll type something, delete it, rewrite it, then still feel unsure after sending it. It’s like I go from relaxed to calculated without meaning to.
The other night I caught myself staring at a message I had already sent, rereading it and wondering if one word made it sound different than I intended. I know that’s not normal behavior, but in the moment it feels hard to stop.
What confuses me is that I know I come across better when I’m just being myself, but the more I care, the harder that becomes. Has anyone else dealt with this and actually managed to stay natural instead of getting in your own head?
3 comments
Might be a problem of insecurity/low self esteem/ or some trauma in the past?
this is pretty normal it’s just heightened self awareness mixed with fear of not being enough as you are and also rejection. you should accept that when you truly like somebody there’s always gonna be some good amount of anxiety because you care. the goal shouldn’t be to be careless or nonchalant but instead to learn how to manage that anxiousness and still act naturally. i’m not sure whether you’re a girl or a boy but as a girl this happens to me often so all i can do is just write the message, read it once or twice and then just send it and close my phone until the person replies if it’s taking a little longer. it will feel uncomfortable at first not to second guess but it’s the only way to get used to it. plus, when you like someone even if the message they send is awkward or imperfect you’re still gonna keep liking them. we are way more precise in how we interpret our own messages than other people’s.
yeah, welcome to overthinking. i figured this out just recently. it might sound weird but the reason you keep analyzing is because your mind is only half-fed, the other half is constantly looking for feedback or food for thought. the reason you don’t do this in real life is because moving around, the environment and whatever you are partially lost in thought in keeps your focus full, so the interaction only takes up like a 30% of your attention. when you hyperfocus on text, or on somebody you don’t know, you have too many silence, too many unknowns and so your mind fills in the other 70% with analyzing what is right in front, yourself. the way you break this is to keep the mind partially working on something else. maybe walk around, maybe fidget or play with a yoyo, cuddle with your pet if you have one, anything that requires some attention but not heavy cognitive load. this is the same as what you do when “you don’t care”, not caring means you have your attention elsewhere or at least divided.