TW: Slight mentions of abuse, and trauma
My girlfriend and I met on Bumble, August 2025. It wasn't intended to be long distance, but we met in my state while she was visiting family. For her education, she is one state over with a 1 hour flight (very doable and I could afford it). Things started well: she's intelligent, thoughtful, and we had real chemistry.
I want to be upfront about who I am going in: I'm introverted, stoic, avoidant-attached, and hyper-independent. Prior to her, I've been working on myself to be securely attached. I've been in two prior long-term relationships, both ended amicably and friendly terms. I'm not someone who walks away easily or without reflection.
She came into this relationship having survived a severely abusive prior relationship. She nearly didn't survive it. I didn't know this going in, but once I learned of that, I took it seriously. I wanted her to feel safe and secure with me.
Where things broke:
During December 2025, during my second in-person visit in the year (we physically met the first time in October), she asked to go through my phone. I had nothing to hide and agreed. She found messages from someone I'd briefly dated before we were exclusive. That person and I had agreed to stay surface-level acquaintances, nothing romantic, and I hadn't deleted the message thread as there was nothing to hide. It was all surface level conversation. My girlfriend considered me even having a conversation with that past person as infidelity when we were exclusive. That past person and I's conversation naturally fell off, but there was a mutual understanding of keeping things platonic as we only had a few short dates before realizing we were not a good fit for each other.
Admittedly, I also had a deleted app on my phone connected to someone who had made me deeply uncomfortable on a date, and I hadn't dealt with it mentally yet as I had felt violated. When she asked me to re-download that social media app (which filled me with discomfort as I didn't want to be reminded of that person), I panicked and lied briefly before immediately coming clean as I didn't want our relationship to have any lie. That lie broke her trust significantly, especially from past partners being abusive and cheating. I take full responsibility.
The Aftermath (December 2025 to February 2026):
From her broken trust in me, she asked of me to do many things to help provide better security for her and provide reassurance. Me feeling deep regret for breaking her trust fully committed without question. This however resulted in:
- Real-time location tracking via app, 24/7 (Life360)
- Frequent requests to show all social media messages as "transparency"
- Phone must stay charged above 30% at all times so I'm never untrackable
- Must photograph or provide screenshots proving my location whenever I leave the house
- Daily calls lasting hours, often through the night
- I am not permitted to end calls. Only she can, due to trauma triggers
- When I ask for alone time to recharge (I'm a hard introvert), it's treated as a threat
- Arguments/conversation loops lasting 2–5 hours, sometimes overnight, recurring nearly every day
She started seeing a student counselor in February to address her trauma, but as she is a student she can't afford a therapist. I still care for her and collected multiple free/cheap resources to help, even offering to pay for therapy sessions. She hasn't engaged with any of the additional support resources I've sent her.
How the Fallout Affected Her (December 2025 to February 2026):
From this time period, she slipped into past trauma responses. She grew anxious, had regular panic attacks, and would find herself getting triggered from flashbacks, or seemingly triggered by me unintentionally. It significantly affected her mental health. She would catastrophize regularly, and would need my presence regularly to reassure her and regulate her. She would ask questions everyday regarding my commitment to her, alongside having a deep distrust for all my close friends and acquaintances. I don't want to be unfair to her, as she has suffered — but I should mention anytime I would try to ask for some level of space or alone time or try to voice my needs for independence; she would get reactive, and posit that I'm trying to cheat on her. She lost her sense of self and self-esteem by falling into past behaviors of codependency, and I committed to always trying to emphasize her individuality and autonomy (I've been doing so from the beginning, but during this period I reminded her of it).
How the Fallout Affected Me (December 2025 to February 2026):
During that time period I stopped talking to friends and family out of fear it would cause arguments, raise her suspicion unnecessarily, and unfairly throw her under the bus. I had stopped drawing, gaming, working out: all my primary ways of regulating. I've gone 24–48 hours without eating or sleeping after particularly long arguments from the stress alone. My time was often dedicated to trying to care for her, or try and defend myself from accusations of infidelity or my character. My family has commented that I looked consistently miserable. My parents (both in healthcare) are worried about what this relationship has turned me into.
Ever since that tumultuous time period after December, and to this day, I started losing my temper in ways I never have: raising my voice, slamming things when our conversations would never resolve. I'm normally the calmest person in any room. That's genuinely frightening to me, and I'm afraid of this change.
Where we are at now (March 2026 to April 2026):
She's giving me more space than before, she calls me less in the day, and significantly reduced the amount of times she would ask to see my social media messages. Now, it is only in times of deep anxiousness, while she is trying to be more open to hearing my needs after nearly losing me. She's trying to focus more on her education now, as her anxiety regarding this relationship would leave her paralyzed sometimes. But a switch flipped in me after our second near-breakup, and I can't get it back. I feel:
- No emotional desire for her
- No physical or sexual attraction
- Dread when I hear her notification sound
- Relief when I imagine her being gone
After our second near-breakup (that I had initiated), we would try again to better communicate. I don't want to run away, even as things between us has changed. Part of me still misses the way things were before December, even though I know deep down that won't happen again, as each near breakup in the past and argument doesn't make her feel secure. Bear in mind, she has a distrust of men (justifiably so after hearing all the poor things her, and those around her have experienced from them), alongside trauma which makes it difficult to feel secure, which I fully understand. She thinks things are improving between us now. She's noticed I'm less warm but attributes it to stress. During our last crisis I let her know how I felt, which I admit took me time to verbalize as I felt I had no leg to stand on for ruining things in the beginning.
I'm afraid that what I'm experiencing is just avoidant attachment: that I'm pulling away from a good person because closeness feels threatening. But something feels different this time. This doesn't feel like fear of intimacy. It feels like there's nothing left. In the beginning before December, I felt like I could be open with her about my thoughts, feelings, hobbies and talk to her of my interests. I felt I could genuinely connect with her and felt no fear. Now, I only associate her with stress and don't want to talk to her, like I'm bracing for an argument or having to be an emotional regulator, but still engage out of a sense of being supportive. But now? I feel nothing. I struggle to hold a conversation with her, I stress out anticipating conversations with her, and I've stopped being romantic. It now feels like doing all these things requires energy I no longer possess. I even feel terrible because I acknowledge she's trying, but something within me feels broken. Any affection (other than basic human respect and decency) is gone.
Has anyone been here? Is this avoidance, or is this what it looks like when something is genuinely over?
TL;DR: I broke my girlfriend's trust early in our relationship. In response, she implemented round-the-clock location tracking, nightly calls I wasn't allowed to end, and daily demands for message transparency — all rooted in genuine PTSD from prior abuse. I stayed and tried to support her. Things have improved slightly, but something switched off in me. I feel no attraction, no emotional connection, and dread contact with her. Wondering if this is avoidant attachment doing its thing, or if I'm just done.