This is going to be extremily short, but my boyfriend of almsot 2 years (known him since 12,) rarely brushes his teeth, and when he does, it takes him less then a minute to do so. he's had braces in the past to sort out some dental problems, but since turning 18 and being out of the NHS dental care, he no longer takes care of his teeth. and his dental health is BAD, as in i can smell the bad breathe from across the room, it lingers, and i feel guilty or not wanting to Kiss him or anything to do with his mouth at all. everytime i ASK him to brush his teeth he says "ill do it tomorrow" and seems really annoyed that ive even tried to ask him about it.
So what the hell am is supposed to do. im not even sure if this is the right subreddit for this, but im genuinley so stuck.
TLDR: my bf wont brush his teeth and idk what to do.
Update: im goign to speak with him about why he doesnt brush his teeth, set boudnaries ect. thank you for the people who gave advice on how to do this, and didnt extremily scream at me to break up rather then give advice. i genuinley want to help my boyfriend get better at this for the both of us, thank you again people of reddit. We are both neurodivergent, i am autistic and he is adhd possibly autistic too. by "speak to him". i meant i asked him to brush his teeth. im not goign to be replying to anymore comments screaming a tme to break up with him rather then giving me advice, i want to support him and try and change this and will take action if he doesnt.
31 comments
You cannot nor should have to teach or convince a grown ass man basic hygiene. That level of laziness and lack of caring about hygiene would be a deal breaker. I’d be gone
You could just not date people who are disgusting?
You break up. Poor mouth hygiene can give you cavities and gum disease from kissing him.
Saying he’ll do it “tomorrow” should be a dealbreaker. Tell him he needs to brush well and floss daily uf he wants to stay in a relationship with you. And the first time he fails, don’t nag, don’t ask, walk away. He is not yet adult enough to be in a relationship if he insists of bad hygiene.
please people i just want advice on how to talk to him about this, not to break up :’). please dotn tell me to break up with him. i understand its gross, i get it. but i just want to know how i can speak to him about this and be mature.
Honestly it would be a deal breaker for me and personally I would find it repulsive and probably break up. But since that seems like something that you won’t consider, I would tell him your feelings about it, but you also need to have a boundary around it and follow up instead of just you should brush your teeth.
Something like “when you don’t brush your teeth I won’t kiss you or engage in any physical activity until you do so properly” or WHATEVER your boundary is, and then stick to it. If he consistently tries to break your boundary, break up.
Good luck!
You want strangers to tell you how to talk to someone about an issue you have with them? Perhaps you aren’t mature enough to be dating.
Get a fun toothbrush, maybe one with his favorite waifu on it, and some yummy flavored toothpaste. Now, you’re going to want to sing a jaunty song while you brush his teeth. Flossing his teeth will be easier with the little plastic toothpick kind of floss. Don’t forget to reward him with stickers when you’re done!
My husband works manual labor and sometimes he comes home stinky (er than usual lol) and he gets near me to kiss me and all I have to say is “whoo babe, you stink” and he gives me a quick kiss, immediately goes into the bathroom and comes out freshly showered, teeth refreshed, deodorant reapplied, and fresh clothes. Your phrasing isnt the problem. It’s the man
Hes a 19 year old boy “if you dont brush your teeth we wont be intimate. I’m not joking. Im not kidding. Its gross.” And he’ll shape up eventually. He’ll miss the physical intimacy.
Listen, I read you don’t want to break up with him. That’s okay! But what you are asking of us – advice on how to talk to him – is impossible to answer because *this isn’t a communication issue*.
You asked him before and he reacted annoyed. This means that he isn’t deaf or dumb. He understood you. He *knows*. He is aware of what you are asking. But he *doesn’t care*.
And because of that, there is no special way of phrasing things which will make him go “Oh, okay, yeah, now I get it and will brush my teeth!”. He is making the conscious decision to not brush his teeth *despite knowing you want him to*. So this isn’t about communication since you communicated with him several times and it didn’t change a thing.
So, *can* you do something without breaking up? Yes. You can set boundaries. Boundaries are something *you* do.
Let me make an example. If you say “Go and brush your teeth now!”, then that’s controlling behavior and not a boundary and thus never good, no matter how understandable such a demand would be. But if you say “If you decide to not brush your teeth, then I will [insert consequence]”, then that’s a boundary because he is free to decide to not brush his teeth, you’re not forcing him to do anything – but if he makes the choice to avoid brushing, then that choice has a consequence.
So what’s the consequence? Well, that’s up to you. It could be “…I will break up with you”, so that option is there, but you don’t want it. But it could also be something like “…I will go home if I can smell your bad breath”, “…I will not agree to sex anymore if you haven’t brushed your teeth”, “…I won’t kiss you anymore” or whatever else you want.
Two important things: If you announce your boundary and consequence, then you *need* to follow through if he oversteps your boundary. If you don’t and it’s just an empty threat, then he won’t take you seriously anymore and empty threats are also manipulation and thus an abusive tactic. Don’t do that – you *need* to follow through. And the other important thing is to remember that he will adjust in *some* way to boundaries, but you don’t get to decide how – you can’t change him, you can just change yourself and your behavior. So if you say “I won’t kiss you anymore”, then he absolutely may say “Okay, then I am breaking up with you.” You don’t get to control that.
…That said, I would absolutely break up with the guy because you are endangering your own health by letting this man kiss you.
i’m sorry… he’ll brush them TOMORROW?!!! it takes two minutes of your day..
Get a new bf. You’re literally 19 don’t waste your time. Enjoy your life away from nasty folks. You can find a ton of men who keep up with basic hygiene; that is such a low bar.
I think he’s more annoyed by the fact that it feels like you give him order (« go brush your teeth ») rather than explaining that his bad hygiene is a problem.
I would just gently tell him that because he doesn’t brush regularly, is breath is bad and you do not want to kiss him (actually stop kissing him!). If he sees the reaction to his action it might make him realise « on his own » that he needs to be proactive.
Hi i also have a rly hard time brushing my teeth, i didnt get in a good habit with it until my 30s. Hands-free or auto tooth brushes have saved me. U just hold it in ur mouth for 2 min. No weird sensory issues for my teeth. Also i dont use minty toothpaste. I have autism+ADHD, tooth-brushing/hygene routines can be hard for neurodivergent ppl. Idk if ur bf is but thats what it is for me. Hope this helps!
His poor hygiene is a symptom of depression. Encouraging someone to attend can run into an ordeal. You know him better than I do, good luck.
Please for the love of god, don’t spend your 20s with him
What do you think you can say that a history with an orthodontist involving braces hasn’t already taught him? He has no doubt been told everything there is to know about dental hygiene at this point.
I could never kiss someone with bad oral hygiene. They are giving you their bacteria which could cause serious issues for you, not only your teeth and gums but even your heart.
You should not be taking the place of his mother. You tell him, you set a rule and boundary and you stick to it. That means loving yourself enough to know this is a deal breaker.
2 minutes twice a day, mints for in between, lots of water. Avoid sugar. Man if someone told me I had bad breath I would be mortified.
And this should not be a conflict. It is a reasonable ask and a very low bar.
This is really basic stuff – if you cannot take care of your most basic needs hygiene wise you are not ready to date. If he actually wants to go to the dentist and make a routine but has anxiety or something then yeah maybe you can talk and work through that. But don’t waste your best years on men who won’t help themselves. This is your time to focus on yourself not hold yourself back.
Even on my worst days going through cancer I took good care of my teeth and have kept them all through 45. Good oral health also makes such a difference for one’s job prospects etc.
I am also on the spectrum. We are not robots, I am super empathetic but I also overthink and don’t know what to say in new situations as I shot my mouth off when I was younger.
I understand, reddit is a good way to study human interaction and what the average person who has more experience and insight would do. I am 45 and still learning, I wish I had done more of this at 19!
I empathize. He sounds neurodivergent and like he has sensory issues maybe. But I’d definitely try to set expectations for this moving forward. Maybe suggest a habit tracker app or delaying a thing he wants to do to get his hygiene needs out of the way and then enjoying that thing as a reward. Maybe consider therapy and pursuing an official diagnosis if he doesn’t have one yet.
Source:
me and my bf have bad ADHD and can slack off on certain daily habits like letting the laundry build up and sometimes I put off brushing my teeth til the next morning because I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with other things. I used to be worse when I was a teen but habit tracking, therapy and general adult has improved this so much!
You’ve definitely already pointed out that yes, People in this sub are always hungry for blood. But to be fair, all we know about this dude is that he’s a bit of a grub (based on a single fact about him). and honestly what’s worse is that it seems like he doesn’t care that he’s bothering you/making you uncomfortable.
There’s more nuance to be had than a subreddit will ever offer, you know him better than anyone here. So have an uncomfortable but important conversation, tell him that you’re not only uncomfortable physically (which in turn is putting up barriers between you), but that his attitude is hurtful. If he refuses to grow up (this isn’t just a preference of yours, it’s unhealthy for him and you by extension), then yeah, it’s probably best that you move on, and not having people enable/put up with stuff like this is probably gonna be good for him in the long run as well, he’s definitely not gonna have an easy time making new relationships if this is as bad as you’re saying.
Yes he’s young, but he’s not a child, and if brushing his teeth is this much of a hurdle for him, I doubt it’s gonna be the only immaturity that will affect you long term
Refuse to kiss him if he hasn’t brushed his teeth for starters. That is a boundary for you. You do not kiss a dirty mouth. You can’t force him to do anything that is not what a boundary is however you can make boundaries for yourself such as “I will not do x with a dirty mouth” if he wants x to happen, he has to brush his teeth. This shouldn’t be an argument and is absolutely disgusting though and I hope he can be responsible and respectful to you AND his own body by doing basic hygiene (really hope he washes his own ass and wipes 🫠)
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This is what we mean when we say having a boyfriend is embarrassing.
I’ve seen similar stories of girls having to go down on guys who refuse to wash their penis/asshole prior to it.
Why do we put up with this? Just be single. Having yo tell a guy to brush his teeth is crazy. He’s not 2 years old and do you really want to be his mommy?
Is this the life you want for yourself? Is this the man you want to raise children with?
Cut your losses. It’s not your job to fix him. He’ll do it when he actually cares about who he is with.
WHYYYYYY IS THE HYGIENE ISSUE?
Like, fucking gross. Dump him! Would you put up with it from a 5 year old?
EXPECT BETTER LADIES. Jesus Christ.
My husband does not skip brushing but has problems with flossing. I’ve started framing the conversation as being concerned for his health (which I am legitimately concerned about-lack of flossing and especially brushing can lead to serious heart issues) & he has started to take it more seriously.
I also straight up said at one point that I take care of my own teeth & expect him to do the same so we’re not toothless when we get older. Dental work is expensive, a pain in the ass & it’s definitely not super attractive to have no teeth. His dad just had almost half of his removed due to decay so that seemed to be a big wake up call.
I wish you luck!
I agree with the top comments but also, I have a friend who literally had to have all of his teeth removed and got dentures put in at 32 because of shit like this. Its serious and its gross yeah but someone really needs to convey the consequences of his actions to him before it’s too late. For my friend he was neglected throughout his entire childhood and simply never developed hygiene habits until adulthood after therapy. Idk what your boyfriends situation is but you’re fully within your rights to not want that anywhere near your own mouth.
I mean this respectfully OP but is he developmentally all there? Brushing your teeth is one of the daily tasks that people need to do to take care of themselves. They may need some more help than you think.
Why are there so many posts like this?! 🤮
Stop mothering grown men
Get a new bf who’s not a child?
The bar is really in fucking hell