Hi, I really don’t feel obligated to update but I felt it was a little important due to the amount of attention my post got. Before doing so though I wanted to address everything systematically, so scroll down a bit if you only want the update. My lack of desire does not come from the fact that his body has changed. It comes specifically from the type of ultra-fit his body has changed into. Upon reflection, I kind of just find the bulging muscles, super veiny, dehydrated and shrink-wrapped look gross. I still think I speak for a lot of woman when I say this.
That’s all to say it’s a preference! I don’t care what you think is good looking. I’m talking about myself and my relationship, which should only consists of two people’s opinions.
Speaking of opinions, I tried my best to read all the comments and wow people got passionate lol. Breaking up was never on the table and the insistence we do so was profoundly unhelpful. I’ll acknowledge that, upon reflection, I have a bias towards certain body types. But so do almost everyone else, mine partially stems from being in the dance world but the sentiment I have towards a super chiseled look is shared by a lot of women! I would even go so far as to say most.
One of the things I did take away from my previous post is that I was doing nothing good by keeping myself from talking to him.
Between our schedules and other complications (getting sick, last minute travel) we finally got the chance and I got the courage to talk about two weeks ago. We were in the house joking around and chatting about various plans as well as reflecting on our past. Some good advice I took from here was to phrase it along the lines of “I miss your old body”, to which he didn’t react to the revelation positively or negatively. He just gave me some affection and we continued doing our own thing. This last weekend we had an event to go to that was somewhat affiliated with fitness, there I asked if he was doing it for himself or if there was something underlying. So we finally had a more productive conversation where we were able to lay down that: yes he’s noticed I’ve pulled away sexually, but he attributed it to general life changes and stress. He now knows I’m not into his body the way it is currently, feelings were bruised a bit on both sides but nothing we can’t/haven’t already gotten over. He has a desire to spend more quality time together, this might mean cooking together again or manifest as going to the gym with him as I primarily attend my work provided one. Any other suggestions about how to increase time together without expending too much energy? Lastly, he’s been working out so hard in his own self interest, but we were able to uncover that it’s more of a stress response and a way of obtaining control than a desire to look a certain way.
I should’ve prefaced but didn’t at the time because I felt that it was too much information to divulge online, but he’s in his final semester of a graduate degree in epidemiology, which you can imagine is extremely important and stressful. On top of that, as well as actively searching for post-graduate employment, his father is in hospice. Which is actually where I got the tip off that he might potentially propose soon, as he would want his father to see him engaged before he passes.
Also to add: as for why I couldn’t just open up and talk to him, with our current schedules we only see each other for a few hours in the evening if lucky and it was much more important to me that we have a pleasant evening and unwind than bring up something potentially uncomfortable.
So all in all: he’s aware, we had a mature conversation about it, we uncovered where the actual tension originates, we might try to start cooking together/going out again, and we still love each other but it would probably be a good idea for him to see a therapist for a second after all this. Overall it’s a small bump in our relationship, not the devastating crash and burn Reddit likes for it to be. I’m looking at it through the lens of “this too shall pass”.
There’s being fit for health, which we both already were, and there’s jacked for aesthetics. I do not think pushing to achieve such a physique is an upgrade in any way. I do not find it healthy, nor do I think it’s sustainable. Jealously and insecurity have nothing to do with the fact that I think dieting for an ultra-low body fat percentage should not and cannot be construed as bettering yourself. Having so much muscle mass doesn’t, in fact, correlate directly to strength and the cardiovascular and hormonal risks are not worth it. The discipline is admirable but I think we’re in a strange place in history where some people find that such proportions are the peak of human performance and are most desirable, and that it is something that is realistic and attainable that everyone should strive towards. At a certain point putting so much focus on body composition and having such a tight grip on your food restrictions borders on orthorexia. I was a dancer I know what eating disorders look like. I can say with confidence that I feel like, along with being more attractive, my boyfriend was healthier before all this.
I’m not showing him this post partially because of the proposal thing but also because you guys can kind of be assholes lol.
TLDR: We spoke. The real villain is stress. Better communication is better. We good.