Throwaway.
Not to be dramatic but last year was the worst year of my life. I got unexpectedly laid off from my job of 8 years in June, and immediately things with my husband of 6 years / partner of 11 years "Nick" felt off. I scrambled to try to save my marriage AND find a new job, all while we were plunged into financial uncertainty because I was the breadwinner and the provider of insurance. It was awful, I felt powerless.
It was unclear what was up with Nick, checking in with him yielded only vagaries, but he did tell me, "I am unavailable to support you emotionally at this time." Long story short, by September and after exactly one (1) couples therapy session, Nick told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. He immediately shacked up with a mutual friend before even officially moving out of our shared house. This was an insanely painful chapter of my life, and I'm glad to be through it and doing better.
Six months have passed and he hasn't even filed, though he reportedly tells people we're divorced. I have a new even better job now. Nick and I have kept it civil and I'll be buying him out of our house. Yesterday we met up to talk details. I'm trying to be fair to him while also taking into account his actual financial contribution to our marriage. Things were going well, we were headed towards a compromise, when he said to me, "It's also really important to me that you change your name back to your maiden name." I was blindsided. I said, "That's my name!" And he replied, "No, it's MINE, and I don't want you walking around with it." The tone of our negotiations soured after this, it seems like a line in the sand for him.
My married name is cool. It has star power. I'd liken it to "Ruby Stone". My maiden name has the vibe of, idk, "Ruby Higgenbottom". I was planning keeping Stone. I'm not sentimental about its attachment to Nick, and to mention, it's a years-long pain in the butt to change your name. Married women out there get me!
I need advice and a gut check. That's a wild thing to ask me, right? Is this even a thing ?? Nick is quite entitled and domineering, I'm sorry to say it isn't unlike him to tell me exactly what he expects me to do. I'm worried this will derail our buyout negotiations. I also DON'T WANT TO DO IT. How do I gracefully handle this considering he'll definitely try to fight me on it?
25 comments
What did your divorce attorney say about it?
>I’m worried this will derail our buyout negotiations
You could simply drop the topic, and tell him you don’t want to discuss it right now if he brings it up. Don’t even mention that you want to keep it, just that you’ll discuss it with him later.
As for what’s right to do? Legally speaking (granted, I’m not a lawyer), it’s your damn name, you can make it whatever you want it to be. You could legally change it again to Ruby Stone, if you so wished.
But practically speaking, I don’t really know the full details of everything you two are negotiating, so I can’t really say what kinds of concessions you should or shouldn’t make.
It’s absolutely your name, no matter who it came from. Don’t let him talk you into changing it!!
You are legally allowed to keep your married name or return to your maiden name. Choice is yours. He doesn’t have any power to coerce you to change it.
Ignore him it’s irrelevant to him now
I did not change mine after the divorce. I won it in single combat with the worst person I ever met. If he wants me to change it, he can pay cash. I recommend a quarter of a million as a starting point
You need to file for divorce asap. You could be on the hook for alimony and it will only get worse the longer you wait.
That being said, I kept my married name, because I didn’t like my maiden name. He can’t do anything about it.
The only downside is if Republicans have their way, you won’t be able to vote unless your name matches your birth certificate.
#Just lie and say you will change it, and then don’t.
He does not get too dictate your life anymore now that you’re getting divorced. However, because he can still make things hard and unreasonable, just go along with it.
Legally, he can’t make you change your name.
Get the divorce and then block them on everything.
You should really get a lawyer
I see you are going to DIY the divorce, so I think you need to refocus on the important stuff and try to get stuff signed ASAP.
If he brings it up again, say “I am really stressed out about buying out the house and getting these paper signed, and I can’t change my name until all of that is done because then we can’t sign all this stuff, so let’s focus on this.”
Which is true, by the way. Because you will need to get stuff notarize and filed.
Next, use it as leverage- do you know how much work goes into changing a name? So what are you giving up in order for me to do this? Ideally this just stops the conversation.
I think being purposefully vague and not agreeing to anything on paper while making it seem like you are considering it is the way to go. You could even verbally sort-of agree, but don’t put anything in writing.
And certainly, at the end of the day, make him pay for it- both the cost and time it will take- if you were to agree to it.
Go file for the divorce like contact your local authories/court on the process for filing for divorce, follow their instructions, pay the fees, and get it done.
I would no longer entertain this foolishness unless it’s ordered by the court or through divorce lawyers.
Tell him for 50k you will do it. Write up a contract.
With real property involved, I think you should lawyer up.
Tell him you can’t change it until the divorce is final because it will make all the processing super confusing and difficult. Then just never change it. He can’t make you. That’s legally your name.
He’s been cheating and you need to turn on him sooner rather than later
Tell him he can negotiate that as well. Two separate transactions. Sale of house and cost for you to change your name.
OH MY GOD, GET A LAWYER.
Tell him you will and then don’t. You don’t owe him anything. Just don’t check the box on the divorce paperwork, tell him you want a year or smthg to get all your ducks in a row before you do it so you don’t want to check that box but you’ll do it. Then block his number and keep whatever name you want once the ink is dry. He’s a tool.
Get a lawyer, even if you think everything is going perfectly, get a lawyer. As for the name change, he has nothing to do with your name, you can legally change your name to your current name if you haven’t already done that, you can change it to a completely different name that has nothing to do with either of you, or you can leave it as is, he has no power over what you call yourself personally or professionally.
Keep your last name if you want, but get a lawyer! Don’t let your stbx control the situation.
Get a larger percentage financial distribution in exchange for changing your name back, as it would cause you some hardship to do this. For some reason, people find themselves less likely to make such weird demands when they realize there might be some sort of financial consequence.
Please get a divorce lawyer involved to split the assets. Especially since he is telling people you are divorced and has not even fililed. I could see him not actually finishing the paperwork so he can claim you didn’t give him anything or to even try to walk back in your life when his falls apart.
He bailed on you when you were at your lowest point and got together with a mutual “friend” while you were still together…. please get a lawyer and protect yourself so he doesn’t take advantage of you during this process.
He can’t make you. My ex asked me if I would and I just said no – wanted to keep the same name as the kids and I did not want to be bothered to change alllllll that documentation with a new signature. He can’t make you. No is a full sentence and requires no explanation
Just tell him: “I am unable to support your request at this time”
Offer to change your name if he relinquishes any claim on the house
Tell him you will so you can get the house stuff settled, then don’t actually do it. And for Pete’s sake file for divorce, don’t wait on him. Every day you’re married to him is another day of your retirement that he gets half of.