Applies to both men and women.
As title says, I think a lot of people are in denial about things like personality traits, communication skills, them being mature, having their life sorted out, a person and relationships they are looking for, etc. and it's easy not to notice that and put all the blame for lack of success in dating on the modern/online dating issues or opposite gender.
This is something I was helped to realize about myself (29M) around 2 years ago by hearing 2 honest views about me from a girl I was seeing and a friend of mine. Since then, I have started to be more open about needing to improve in some areas, accepted what I'm lacking in, and have been honest with myself about what I'm actually looking for. Feels like that helped to flip my dating experience upside down.
To give an example, at the time, I did not see much wrong with myself. Of course, I was not ideal, but I would have probably described myself as sort of successful, with a good career, good financial position, a mature and interesting person with good communication skills, and a good sense of humor. Fit and decent looking, I worked out 3-4 times a week, took care of myself, had several hobbies, and was someone who puts in effort when it comes to dating. And was just looking genuine nice girl who likes me back to escape from loneliness.
That was the picture I had of myself. In reality, while I had a good career and job, I made it too big a part of my personality and too often brought my job up in conversations. I mistook emotional maturity with having lack of emotions. I did not admit that looks are extremely important for me, but checked out right away if that didn't fill the box in my eyes. While I had many interests and hobbies, I was not very open and enthusiastic about new things outside of what I already had an interest in. These are just a few examples of me.
It's not only about needing to improve, but needing to accept and get a reality check instead of continuously shifting the blame elsewhere. Yes, there are shitty people out there ruining the experience for everyone, but sometimes we need to look in a mirror too.
Just my little pep talk cause while lurking in this sub, almost every other post includes complaints, while people put themselves on a pedestal, list their good characteristics, have done nothing wrong, and ask why it's all so bad out there.
8 comments
This is meeee I was in denial before I went through a break up that really opened my eyes.
I was a college graduate with a good job, a good housekeeper, very loving and supportive — but my emergency savings were at zero!! Still working on building it up but it pays to be honest with yourself!
Yes, it’s just as important to look at ourselves!
I’ve lived out of the US for a lot of my life. Whenever I come back the dating scene is a struggle. I do find that we tend to become performative rather than genuine in social situations. It’s as if people are no longer interested in genuine connection but more in performing the ideal of it. Reward with no risk maybe, I don’t know. Not saying this issue is isolated to the US. It happens everywhere, but I definitely notice it here.
Well, sure. There’s always something to improve and work on.
But I’m sure the 80% or whatever percent that are in relationships aren’t perfect either.
As someone else has said, most people in relationships are not perfect either, and I don’t think they have their life figured out more than single people, on average at least.
With regards to you talking a lot about your job, while I understand why that could be problematic, I would also say that if your job is very important to you then that’s normal. There will be people like that, for whom work is the most important aspect of their life, and the point of dating is to find someone compatible. Learning to suppress genuine speech in favour of a more performative conversation that ticks certain boxes but feels forced is not a solution in my view.
Not everybody needs to be the same, and we shouldn’t optimize our persona to be appealing the the highest amount of people, it’s much better to find someone that has quirks and unique personality traits that are compatible with yours even if many other people would not like them.
It’s ok to want to change, but only if you do it for yourself, not to please other people or to be more like what you think the average woman wants from a man. Taking feedback is also ok, but what is a woman’s dealbreaker could make another woman fall in love with you, so do keep this in mind too.
I feel most women in the US want either a stable man to treat mildly or a hot guy to treat as a fling. You cannot do both for them. I think it’s due to culture and socialization here. It doesn’t seem to be a problem in more traditional dating cultures.
Yes bro, I feel you
You’re right, many people have the tendency to always shift the fault onto others. Not just in dating but in General.
For me personally I’ve realized this quite some time ago already and just determined that it’s not really worth it to improve myself, because even if I fix myself, then my personality also isn’t that great, which is a bit harder to change. And also because I have given up on finding someone anytime soon.
Sorry for my rambles, I just wanted to get this out.