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The guy I ghosted for being annoying is now make jokes “exposing me” on threads. He’s commenting things like “women named (my name) will destroy your self esteem”.
I know I did wrong but I ghosted him because:
– I told him many times I wasn’t comfortable to date a guy who flirts publicly with several women. He said it was only a joke and I was too dramatic.
– Went to the date to give it a try and he forced me to make eye contact. I told him it’s uncomfortable AF and I can’t do it. Then he held my face for a few seconds.
– He accused me on the next day of ghosting, posting it. I sent him nothing but he didn’t contact me either. I got pissed after the post and ghosted him.
Long comment because I dont have enough karma for a real post:
Hi everyone,
I’m a 35-year-old guy living in Germany. I’ve spent the last 15 years in the dating world—I was actually one of the very first Tinder users here. Over those years, I had a 5-year relationship, a 1-year one, and an 8-month one. Interestingly, I met all of them in real life.
Now that I’m in my mid-30s, I work a lot (and I love my job), but besides “don’t fuck the company”, I don’t have many ways to meet women. So, I’m back on the apps.
Up until about two years ago, I constantly met women who fell for me. I liked them too, but like clockwork, after about 3 months, I’d find a “reason” why they weren’t right for me and end it. Months or weeks later, I’d realize: “Damn, I actually really liked her. Why did I let her go?”
I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy and talking to friends about this. I realized I had massive avoidant attachment issues. I was terrified of being truly “seen,” but I didn’t even realize it at the time. My brain literally tricked me into thinking I just lost interest. It’s an absurd feeling, like your own mind is gaslighting you to keep you “safe.” It created reasons out of thin air to get out of these things, I did not realize it at the time, its really crazy, I broke so many hearts and didnt even recognize it. Until a women literally screamed this to me, while I was checking out: “this is a fucking pattern, get help you idiot”, this really stuck with me and yeah I got help. (god bless her)
I’ve put in the work. I’ve recognized the patterns, and I’ve (mostly) fixed them. I’m ready for a real connection. I’m consistent, I’m emotionally available, and I don’t pull away when things get serious.
Now that I’ve changed, I seem to attract exactly the kind of person I used to be. I find women I really click with, but the moment it becomes real, they check out.
It just happened again recently. We could talk for hours, the chemistry was incredible, and she told me constantly how much she liked me. Then, as soon as intimacy and commitment became a reality, she left with the words: “Something is holding me back, this is becoming too close, too fast.”
It’s incredibly frustrating. I want a family. I want kids. And I don’t necessarily want to date much younger than myself. I have no problem getting dates, but the “downs” after these situations fall apart due to these patterns are getting harder to handle.
I don’t want to stop dating because I have a deep desire for partnership. My life is otherwise great, I have a high-paying job, an active circle of friends, and plenty of hobbies. But without a partner, life feels like a pizza without cheese. Sure, you can eat it, it’s still food… but it’s just not as good as it’s meant to be.
Has anyone else experienced this “switch” after therapy? How do you stop attracting the “old version” of yourself?
I don’t even know what I’m expecting from this post. Does anyone else feel this way? Can anyone relate to finally being “ready” only to run into your own past self in others?
PS: I’m German, and while I wrote this post myself, I used Gemini to help me polish the grammar and spelling.
I can’t do the dating apps anymore. They suck the life out of me and they’re emotionally draining. I’ve tried all of them on and off for the last 4 years. As a 38 year old single mom, I’m disgusted by the dating pool in my area (NNJ), but I know it isn’t just here. It’s everywhere. All I want is a legitimate connection with someone whom the chemistry feels easy. Sexual chemistry AND emotional connection just feels impossible. Everyone is wishy washy and looking for the next swipe. It’s so sad. No one knows how to be present and focus on one person to grow a connection. Nobody has “time” to date or think seeing someone once a week is too much. I’m so tired of being alone…ghosting ghosting ghosting. Pen pals that never ask for a date. First dates that go nowhere or people who believe sex = a relationship. Sex is super important but I’m over being someone’s casual fun at this age.
Sorry, guess this is just a vent post. As someone who works full time and has primary custody, it’s hard to meet someone in the “wild” unless it’s at ShopRite hahaha. I work with all women in the early intervention field. So meeting someone through work is not likely. All my friends friends are taken and/or married. I don’t hang out at bars. Idk I’m just so over it and maybe I’ll be single forever lol
I see so many divorced people meeting the person of their dreams and reforming their lives. Remarrying. It’s disheartening to think I won’t find my person.
Posting again because i posted on the wrong daily thread.
Nearly 2 months out of 3.5 year relationship and I have dreams here and there of experiencing the breakup all over again. Last night I think I woke up crying but can’t be sure if that was part of the dream as well. I’m exhausted. And just especially frustrated after having a great weekend spent with friends and not alone sulking. What does my mind need me to do? =
I just can’t take dating apps seriously. Not just for all the common issues most people have, but filling out the profile itself. I just feel so odd coldly filling out details about my life like a resume, trying to seem appealing and what not. I don’t know it’s just too calculated. I always end up having way too much fun with it and it comes out real goofy/weird about myself and satirical haha.
Right now I have this big draft I made up in my notes and I’m cracking up re-reading it but as is tradition I’ll eventually just delete everything because I worry people will just find it too weird and not like my sense of humor.
The apps just aren’t for me, they never were. I don’t translate well online, I just need to work on meeting more people out in the wild.
(Reposting from yesterdays thread bc I posted pretty late and a bunch of people replied and I thought it was some interesting discourse but thread was locked before we could really discuss)
Question for the group: How many times have you been in love?
(My answer is 5, which I feel like is a lot. I haven’t been in love since 2021 though.)
I’ve been on two dates with a guy and he’s just randomly sent me a message saying he’s someone that needs regular assurance and whether I’m still interested in pursuing this.
I was interested in pursuing him until that message. I think it’s a good sign he’s communicating, but I feel like he’s shown some signs of insecurity and clinginess and I feel like I don’t particularly want to regularly reassure someone I’ve met twice.
went to a nightclub yesterday. > girl looked at me couple of times. -> mustered courage, after an hour or so, to say hi. -> said hi, she replied, I am not single.
Any advise regarding how to differentiate/determine if someone is actually interested or just looking ?
Pretty sure that my boyfriend is emotionally abusive when he is upset. I’m just so sad. Every apology he would undermine by throwing in more jabs and insults. I don’t think I deserve to be treated that way, but I don’t want to leave him.
I don’t understand the mass downvotes on people r4r posts, like you are not making room for your own posts your just making the already difficult thing of online dating more difficult, why cant we push each other up instead of trying to step on each others backs? I feel like this response will probably garner some hate but idk it just doesn’t make sense to me
Not related to *my* dating life, just need to share this somewhere??
There is a person I follow parasocially who was single/a virgin her whole life into her 30s so it felt really validating/relatable to me, then around 6 months ago she finally found a partner. I had to back way off from reading her posts because she was sharing stuff that made me feel way too single and bad about myself but I still check from time to time.
But recently she posted about extensively googling her partner’s ex, all the stuff she found out and basically how she just feels sad for said ex because of [insert a lot of armchair psychology/attachment theory here] while it’s great for her that she figured all this out, went to therapy, Healed Herself and now has a boyfriend.
Idk it just rubbed me so much the wrong way after many years of feeling like this was one of the few people on the planet I could relate to! I get being anxious/jealous/wanting to know about an ex, but the post just read so condescending and pitying.
I think I also feel a little annoyed because I’ve been told *a lot* that I need to go to therapy and Do The Work in order to finally meet someone, but after 10 years of solidly attempting to do the work and fix everything emotionally wrong with myself while watching friends do zero therapy and still find themselves in stable relationships, I have realized it is nothing but a crapshoot. I think people really like to rewrite history and tell themselves that they landed their current partner BECAUSE they did the work, and then lecture other people on how they need to also go to therapy to become as Healed and ~enlightened~ as they are – rather than that they happened to go to therapy and then happened to find a good partner sometime after that (and maybe the therapy was helpful in maintaining that relationship, but also, maybe it was just a healthy connection coincidentally).
I think I understand now why often, people say “men sometimes come back, but when they do it’s not always for the right reasons and you might wish they didn’t”.
More than a year ago, I ended a connection with a guy who was non comital and purposefully vague (I posted my story here if you’re interested, but you have no obligation to read it, don’t worry) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1grsebz/i_30f_ended_things_with_this_guy_35m_because_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1grsebz/i_30f_ended_things_with_this_guy_35m_because_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I was heartbroken, it was very painful. And sadly, I still haven’t found better.
I still see the guy at least one a week through a shared hobby but never ever interact with him (except apologizing if I bump into him) as he disrespected me :
he ghosted my break up message, came back trying to sweep things under the rug 6 weeks later with an audio message trying to dodge accountability “nothing bad happened, haha, we can still be friendly. No reasons for you to resent me and conversely, we can chat and dance!”.
He then disappeared and ghosted again after I had told him by text that I didn’t resent him, but I had been hurt and confused by his behavior hence why I needed space and time.
He ghosted again and physically avoided me for almost a year. I accepted his lack of reply, didn’t chase at all and simply moved on with my life. I have never badmouthed him and have basically kept what happened between us to myself and a few trusted friends.
Now more than a year later, he randomly tries to come back sneakily. Making a joke to me using his friend as a buffer (I shrugged it off and remained stoic), trying to make eye contact, and more recently, kissing my friend’s cheeks as hello (he barely acknowledges her usually) and approaching me to do the same, to which I did a head shake and said “no, I don’t want to”.
It’s very annoying.
Because indeed, he’s not coming back to finally address my feelings, apologize properly and close the loop respectfully. He likely only wants to ease his conscience or whatever he’s feeling hoping I will soften up and allow him to sidestep accountability.
And the worst thing of it all ? If I am having a bad day where I am sad about being single, he comes to mind and it makes me even sadder that I don’t have a better prospect, that he closest thing I’ve experienced to a relationship in years was a major failure with a guy who doesn’t even respect me 🙁
I wish he had left me alone.
Sorry for the rant
I could use a bit of support
And I truly wish you luck in your dating journeys ! It’s rough out there
Will you avoid places you know a specific person frequents or works at, just to skip the awkwardness of seeing them again? I’m not talking about safety concerns—that goes without saying—but more like an ex, former friend or a past situationship that didn’t end well?
I don’t live in a major city (I’m a few cities over from one) but I’m actually pretty lucky in the sense that I somehow seem to rarely run into people I’d rather not see. There was a brief stretch where I kept running into a long-term ex and her new fiancé at the same Walmart, but thankfully that phase passed. That said, there are definitely a few places I intentionally avoid because I know someone I’d rather not see works there. I know the usual advice is that you can’t live your life avoiding people or places, but honestly, sometimes it just feels easier.
It can go the other way too as I was reminded of last night. There’s a spot in town that my friends and I go to regularly. I’ve brought past dates there before, but I’ve never run into anyone there again after things ended. Last night though, we had just walked in and were sitting in our usual corner when I noticed that one of my friends kept glancing across the room. Eventually he said, “That woman keeps death staring over here.” I turned but couldn’t quite see from my angle. A moment later, I noticed two people aggressively walk past in a hurry, and then it clicked—it was someone I had ended things with last year, and what appeared to be her date.
I had actually brought her to that place when we were seeing each other, so it was the first time running into her “in the wild” since things ended. From what the server (who knows us) mentioned, they asked for the bill and a box shortly after I arrived, even though they had just gotten their food.
It was a bit of an awkward reminder that even when you try to avoid certain situations, sometimes they still find a way to happen anyway.
I shot my shot – i gave him a cute sticker with my name and number on the back. he seemed happy. annnd now I wait
I just ended a relationship of 1 year with someone that didnt respect limits i communicated, stuff i didnt feel comfortable talking about and she still did, sometimes i feel like i over reacted, i loved her but i’m feeling like she never took into account what i ask for, she seemed very mature and she was clear but couldnt respect me as a person
Welp.. thanks to the show Age of attraction, I felt motivated a bit about my lame love life, so I went back on Hinge and changed my age preference to 45-55. I’m only 34 :/
Guess I’ll change my perspective regarding dating for the time being: Since I don’t wanna settle for the next 3 years, I will only be looking for someone who can date me and do exciting things with me. I won’t mind if you have kids or previous marriage like I used to anymore. I just need someone who can enjoy life with me, be exclusive with me, keep me company, while I focus my attention on other adult tasks because I can finally become one after I finish this freaking study!!
I’ve gone on 4 dates with someone (one date a week). We text very minimally between dates and on dates I feel like I have to keep conversation going. If I hit the right topic we can chat for a good while and lose track of time, but otherwise the conversation can fall a little flat or completely stop until I pivot to a new topic. We also talk a lot about stuff going on in her life, and I’m finding out if I want to share more of my life, I have to bring it up in conversation and hope she shows curiosity (she doesn’t usually inquire about my life unless I ask a question about her life and then she might mirror the question back to me). However, she’s a very sweet and lovely person and we continue to agree to more dates. She has very limited dating experience so it’s hard for me to know if part of her reservedness is inexperience and nerves around dating. My partners in the past always clicked immediately with me. I’m still waiting for the click and I’m not minding the slow pace. But I’m just not sure how to tell if I see romantic viability in this person. I’m trying to give the slow burn a chance. Has anyone gone through a similar dating experience? If so, how’d it turn out?
I’ve had a couple guys talk to me for days on Hinge and then ask for my number or insta instead of asking me to hang out in person. What’s this about? If they wanted to keep texting they could do that on the app.
I know I can ask them out instead, but I just don’t really get the mentality here
I have a rescheduled 2nd date with someone that cancelled the original 2nd date coming up this week. They were traveling last week. I was kind of hoping they would reach out to confirm the 2nd date since they cancelled. I really wish women I match with would put some effort in showing they want to go out. I’m just tired of doing all the work of picking, planning and reaching out.
It’s exhausting.
Has this happened to anyone else? Couple weeks ago matched with a girl, got her number, texted her but she stopped replying after a couple messages.
I delete and redownload and she sends me a like and starts talking to me like nothing ever happened. I’m thinking like you have my number already lol
Damn my best friend really just ruined my day. I haven’t posted any of my pictures on social media for about 18 months now. I finally felt good enough today to post a few pictures I took in January. Knowing how sensitive women can feel about their body image (since she’s a woman too), the first and only thing she said was “wow you have gotten fat and I almost didn’t recognize you”…… “what have you been eating?”
I was already feeling some type of way about approaching 35 and still single ….and worried about losing my youthful beauty. Sure maybe I gained some weight but I thought I looked good in those pictures and now I don’t even know anymore. Coupled with the fact that I haven’t gotten any dates on the app in 6 months now whew!
I (mid 30s) don’t plan to settle for the sake of not wanting to be alone but damn it can be exhausting to put energy/effort/hope into matches online and have them not work out after just 1 or 2 dates.
I think it might be because I get emotionally connected and communicate about deeper topics like goals/expectations a bit too quickly which can scare women off? Advice/thoughts re pacing (what works and doesn’t work for you) would be helpful 🙂
Hmm been doing some reflection.
When I was single in my 20s, my interest in dating was largely around trying to feel and be “normal”. I considered myself a late bloomer and pursued dating like a check list, and had an urge to be accepted and chosen I guess to self-validate. I didn’t really make any lasting connections until I entered my LTR in my late 20s, but I had fun and collected some interesting experiences and stories.
Now coming out of a long-term relationship and dating again in my early 30s, I feel like
my mindset has largely shifted for the better but I keep finding myself becoming disgusted when I encounter people who aren’t compatible and then beat myself up for going out with them to begin with. Mind you, these are people who don’t make it past a first date (and not everyone I met online either). I just get mad at myself for either not listening to my intuition or being able to predict bad behavior. The former can be improved upon, that latter cannot. But it’s usually the latter that retrospectively makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job with the former. Then I beat myself up, and allow what I guess could be considered a mistake or just life, to alter certain qualities about myself. For ex: Am I actually discerning if I ended up on a date with someone like that?
Then I go back and forth with myself about whether these things are true or if the mistake or unideal experience is me not being who I believe I am, or just me being human. (I talk to my therapist in a few days don’t worry)
I’m not really used to dating someone who is genuinely nice. We went climbing yesterday and I realized when we got to the gym that I forgot my wrist brace. I technically can climb without it but I’m not supposed to, and I would have to limit myself to only a few routes. He offered to drive me back to my place to get it (about 15 minutes each way) and I said no, it’s okay, it’s my fault for forgetting it. But he said he wouldn’t have fun climbing if I wasn’t able to climb too, and he would hate it if I hurt my wrist, so he insisted we go back to get it. I’m pretty sure every guy I’ve dated previously would have said “that sucks, maybe you can just do some easy routes” or something, or would have offered to go get it and then low-key guilt tripped me for the rest of the day.
Also I mentioned off-hand while we were watching a show that I’ve never slow danced with anyone, and when we were saying goodbye later he pulled me in for a hug and swayed with me while singing me a song…and the song was the 90s Bagel Bites commercial jingle…because he knows I love commercial jingles. I hope everyone can find someone who matches their weird.
Finally happened. He told me a few weeks ago that he is not ready for a relationship but doesn’t want to miss a potentially good connection so we took it slow. He went silent for 2 days and finally texted me that while I am amazing he is not ready for love and commitment and needs to focus on himself.
It’s crazy because his profile very intentionally said the complete opposite and it said he had done the inner work and wants shared growth. So I really let my guard down in this department. Really sad.
Edit: he was gentle and kind about the whole thing (which is why I like him so much!)
Just had a great first date! Sent him a message when I got home that I’d love to do it again if he’s interested and I think I got the vibe on the date that he would…so fingers crossed. Either way, it feels nice to have a date where I didn’t leave feeling totally meh. I’ve been starting to feel like I’m dead inside and was never gonna click with anyone again.
I’ve been seeing someone for 2 months and liked him very much. We are both 32. He seemed interested and initiated in the beginning, suggested stuff but it slowly started to become once a week at my place for sex kind of a thing. I suggested meeting for a quick coffee or for a walk during the day but he would decline every time.
So I asked him what he is really looking for since this development wasn’t alligning with what he told me in the beginning and he said that he is emotionally clogged and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He also said he is aware that he is instinctively keeping the distance and it’s hard for him to switch from the way he used to date (just for sex) to dating for a relationship. I was understanding and since I really liked him, I decided to give him some time to figure it out and see if he will come closer.
But that same night I met with a friend and she told me they matched on Tinder and that really triggered me as I was led on in the same way a few times already.
Thankfully didn’t spiral or get anxious (growth yay!) but I did send him a text the next morning saying that I can’t continue seeing him and sharing all the intimacies with him while knowing he is still dating other people. I just don’t feel safe enough in that environment to form closeness and be relaxed (as I’ve already told him in the beginning).
He replied the next day saying he is sorry for taking so long but he was thinking about his actions and he would like to meet and talk but he needs a few more days. I am fine with giving him time but I am not sure I even want to continue seeing him after he ignored my boundaries and basically pretended he wanted the same thing as me. At the same time I understand that it is hard for him to switch. I don’t know. This is the third time this happened to me and I am just tired.
Has anyone had Tinder recommend them someone who supposedly “Liked” you, you Like them back, and there’s somehow still no match?
[https://imgur.com/ykyjHGv](https://imgur.com/ykyjHGv)
Tinder has to be trolling me by at this point!
I’m kind of unsure how I’m feeling in this current dating situation I have with her[28F]. In some ways I’m into it, but I already have some reserves. One reason is that since my surgery and stuff, I now have a handicap placard for my car. I use those spots sometimes when I go places, she got a little upset when I told her this and she said “you’re on your feet all day at work, and what if someone needs that spot more than you?”
I said “well, that’s not necessarily my problem? I have to think about myself and just because I’m on my feet all day doesn’t mean it’s easy, I hurt sometimes” and she said that was a “wild response”. That kinda put me off. Not only did I feel like she was downplaying my own situation, but now I have put others before myself? I’m sorry but what? Am I crazy for thinking that? We have talked about it since and maybe she agrees with my stance on that, but still. She might be a little *too* empathetic for my liking.
Also with my current gym and fitness journey, I think I want someone who also cares about their body. She’s on the bigger side and I’m not saying that’s wrong, in a way I kinda
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Who should send text after second date if I sent after first, I know it’s a bit childish but I want to know if there’s equal interest