I’m 20f and my online friend is 21m and we’ve been talking for some time of a year and 5 or 6 months. I didn’t expect to grow feelings for him as I did. We grew a bond very quickly helping each other with our problems finding each other easy to talk to. We would have sexy chats and our friendship seemed a bit more intimate than typical friendship which he acknowledged but there is a problem I don’t really think he wants to go along with it.
I had the idea of meeting up with each other he seemed to support it at first but I noticed there would be some questions he didn’t answer. I see now he wasn’t really committed to the idea. The reason being he and his last girlfriend broke up because of long distance and I can tell it still has an impact on him. A few days ago I told him I needed some reassurance then asked for some space then earlier I talked to him about my feelings. He thanks me for telling him emphasizes how he doesn’t want to do distance again he also our values our friendship and apologized to me for causing this when we could’ve avoided it.
The thing is now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s the first person actually felt this way about. Everything I envisioned just gone in a matter of a few days. I couldn’t focus and my chest was experiencing constant tension. I never dated anyone and I believe he was my only option because if I can’t be with him I’ll never be with anyone. I’m doomed to be alone as I’ve always been. I see how delusional I’ve been after all when you live in darkness you see things for what they could be not what they are. Constantly seeing and hearing others experience things in relationships bring out emotions that make living unbearable. I wish I couldn’t feel anything