I’m 19M and I feel really confused about what I’m feeling right now, so I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced this.
For most of my teenage years, a lot of my motivation in life was tied to becoming more attractive and confident so that I could eventually experience intimacy and relationships. That drive pushed me to build a good physique, work on my social skills, and even focus on building apps and making money because in my head it was all connected to becoming “someone” who could get a girlfriend and be desired.
Recently, I had my first real intimate experiences (kissing, making out, etc.), and it went well. But instead of feeling this huge happiness or fulfillment like I imagined for years, I felt… kind of normal. The kiss honestly didn’t feel as special as I thought it would, and that scared me. I thought it would feel magical or completely different, but it just felt like a normal moment.
Now I’m scared about a few things:
What if I don’t enjoy intimacy as much as I thought I would?
What if I built my whole life and discipline around getting intimacy, and now that I’m getting it, I lose my drive?
I feel like earlier I had this “fire” in me to improve myself, and now I feel a bit empty and don’t feel like doing anything sometimes.
When I’m with her, sometimes I’m too in my head like “Am I enjoying this enough?” “Am I doing this right?” instead of just being in the moment.
I also have a big fear of missing out, like I’m scared of committing and then feeling like I missed other experiences, or losing my freedom/youth.
I’m scared that I’ll keep overthinking and won’t be able to fully enjoy relationships or intimacy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m analyzing my feelings 24/7 instead of actually living.
It’s like I wanted this for so long, and now that it’s happening, I’m analyzing everything instead of just feeling it. And that makes me worried that maybe something is wrong with me, or that I’ll never feel fully satisfied and will always overthink.
Has anyone else experienced this after their first intimate experiences or first relationship? Is this just overthinking / performance anxiety / fear of intimacy / FOMO, or does it mean something deeper?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve gone through something similar.