So I’ve been seeing a guy for 3 months now and have felt just different with him. Moreso than my past boyfriends, who universally cheated on me, he is emotionally intelligent, smart, and I have no doubts he would never cheat. He is kind and clearly cares a ton about my family, making a good impression and being good to them. I live with my grandparents.
My grandmother retired from her job and we had a party for her which he was very sorry he had to miss due to a work trip. He asked my permission to give her a gift even though he couldn’t make it. When he said that, my heart melted and I truly felt this was my person. He came over last night (literally just left) and left her her gift which was pastries, his family recipe his mom used to make for family and friends. It was really sweet but it made me literally somewhat dizzy watching him give that to her. My grandmother told me just this afternoon how sweet his card was. It congratulated her on her milestone, told her about the pastries and thanked her for her hospitality whenever he invades the house to spend time with her wonderful granddaughter (me).
Why do I feel sick. I don’t even know how I feel but it’s a mix of nausea and stress and anger and sadness but also some hope.
31 comments
I would suggest doing a bit of work to discover just where those feelings are coming from.
Don’t turn a good character into a villain. Do some work on yourself
The adjustment from toxic to healthy is jarring, I’ve been there. I married the good guy, but it took a while for my body to understand that the stability was a good thing.
could you be scared of losing a good thing? worried it’s an act?
I’m confused what made you feel sick? In this case a therapist for you is a good idea, it’s just pastries, it’s not like he got her a diamond necklace.
Maybe you feel “sick” because you’re not used to kind, selfless treatment in your relationships (or to family members, which are by proxy and also blood, a part of you).
Stability is a good thing. Embrace it. A woman I dated last year did just that for me, and I had to will myself to accept that I was indeed *safe* with her.
I was scared for a second (before your last few sentences) that the pastries were so inedible to the point where they became vomit-inducing
Moreso than my past boyfriends, who universally cheated on me
people who have been cheated on only have skills to survive in those scenarios, they have been built and moulded by the stress.
you don’t have the skills to survive in a healthy relationship so your nervous system shuts down because of trauma in the past, your out of your element in a healthy relationship, normal.
Your body is used to flight or fight, when a healthy relationship comes along, you create it because its all you know how to survive in
You know people usually gravitate towards what is familiar in relationships even over what is obviously better. Right now your brain is saying this is unfamiliar, I don’t know how to react or feel, this is new and weird, which all comes out in exactly the way you are feeling now
So, even though he did nothing wrong it’s pushing you away from him. Even in the past with your awful exs, it pushed you towards them because even if they sucked at least it all made sense and fit in with what you were used to in relationships.
People go to therapy to fix this kind of stuff. Not saying you *need* it, if it’s too expensive or anything, although it’s going to help to read up on stuff like attachment and other kinds of similar things. First thing I think you should recognize is this isnt really “you”, like the core you, not liking what he did. This is your brain trying to protect you because it doesn’t know what this is, it feels foreign in a way, even though it’s a good thing
If you can recognize that you can work through it. It might be tough but really pay attention to yourself and how you react to these kind of things. Over time you can absolutely get used to having a healthy, secure type of attachment/relationship, your brain just needs to learn that it’s safe and predictable, and probably once that happens you’ll never think twice about those types like your exs
I mean be careful not to react in a way you might regret later. Remember it’s your brain almost playing tricks on you in a sense, which it’s doing to make you feel safe and on even ground. It just takes time, growing self awareness, and some growing comfort around vulnerability but it’s something that can definitely change. It would definitely help to see a therapist if you can but there’s also great resources on YouTube and self help books, journaling is very helpful too
Mind you I’m no therapist myself, but I did go for many years. And I dealt with a lot of similar issues as well where I pushed away all my good relationships and was drawn in to the awful ones before I did do a lot of healing and growth and learned how to change. And honestly some of my biggest regrets were pushing away the ones who were genuinely good which I know hurt their feelings and they didn’t deserve. So I just want to mention that so you maybe wont have to experience something similar, because I had no idea about this kind of stuff back then
I got this feeling when I met someone I REALLY didn’t want to lose. I had been cheated on in the past and hurt. When I’d meet someone I was super excited about I’d get nauseous with anxiety anytime they did something that made me like them more.
Fearful avoidant attachment?
Was it an anxiety attack? Like oh is this becoming serious so it messed with your head? If so, figure it out or you’re going to ruin a good thing if you aren’t careful.
I think you are used to toxic men and this is different for you and you don’t know how to handle it. I’d love a guy like that. Sounds like a sweetheart!
He sounds like a terrible person. Absolutely horrible.
Unless the pastries were poisoned I don’t see what the big deal is. It sounds like you are the red flag.
You need to go to therapy.
He charmed your grandmother effortlessly, you’re wondering how you fit into his landscape.
Maybe you need to work on yourself and quickly before you jump into a relationship.
You’re going to bog the poor guy down and even if he is a good man that will put up with it, it’s not fair to him, don’t you think?
From what I read, I think that this gesture openly signified a very serious committed relationship. With this gift, he proved that he intends to be a permanent part of your family and your life. And everyone knows that know!
Maybe you were not yet ready for this type of commitment yet? You felt overwhelmed with this sudden “seal”.
Maybe there are some doubts that you have about him and your future together? Are there thoughts that make you question whether you would want to announce your relationship to the world yet.
Maybe you dislike that your family might be upset now if you ever decide to leave him. Maybe you don’t like that he painted himself as the good guy first?
Maybe you feel like this genuine gesture must have ulterior motives because you are not used to nice guys.
Oh and please talk with him about this!
Do you think it’s because having a truly honest and healthy/good partner is foreign to you? We are scared of the unknown and usually self sabotage by choosing unhealthy partners to create the narratives based on what we’re used to feeling.
Try to not sabotage this relationship. I recommend talking to a therapist and working on your anxiety and fears of closeness. You deserve good people op
What do women want 🙂
Whatever you do… don’t run. lol
Seriously.
This sounds like a kind, thoughtful, and considerate person. And you deserve to be loved properly.
Don’t overthink it. Don’t over analyze it and talk yourself out of this relationship.
Someone who truly cares for you will care about people you care about. And this man clearly cares for you and put thought into celebrating your Grandma. And as someone who was close with my Grands… I love this kinda partner for you.
Also, that weird feeling is likely that your feelings are growing. So, don’t overthink it. Catch your breath, calm down( talking to myself, that’s uber excited that strangers online are falling in love 😂), and if you haven’t already, thank him for the kindness he showed your grandmother.
I hope he continues to show up this way, and all works out for your highest good.
I thought he may have been cheating on you with your grandma. Pastries you’re stress over nothing.
This is not something you should feeling this way about.
I think you need to seek therapy to deal with why this is making you panic.
Wow! If that made you want to vomit, I guess you like the cheaters better. He deserves a better girlfriend.
I have/had a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and this sounds a lot like me before I did serious therapy. The anxiety is likely from a fear of being vulnerable – this especially makes sense if you’ve been cheated on before. Forgive me if this is off base, but if you’re being raised by your grandparents, I’m guessing you also have some abandonment issues and possibly low self-worth. The good news is, it is very possible to develop a more secure attachment with time and therapy.
YIKES.
Well…it sounds like you need to work on yourself. He seems like a solid dude and your reaction is…strange.
Holy shit I really am a normal person lmao what the hell is this
The title made me think he got her something inappropriate like a dildo. 🤣 Homemade pastries and a sweet card, like the comments say, you might need to look inward. He sounds very sweet!
Perhaps reality struck, like, “oh shit, he’s genuinely nice and willing to be one of the family. This is real.” And you started overthinking and over analyzing from there?
If that’s the case, having someone to talk to that’s able to guide you mentally through this wouldn’t be a bad thing. A therapist, even if only for a few visits to wrap your head around that sensation and where you mind has been racing could help you find peace with what went through your mind and body.
Honey. This is a stress response. You’ve got so used to the chaos, the uncertain, the heartbreak, that now hope feels scary.
This might need some therapy, soul searching, etc. But if I were to give you a good advice right now… Power through it. You’re on the verge of actual, real connection. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. You WILL regret it later.