My boyfriend (21M) and me (21F) had been dating for a little less than a year. I had left the US recently because of some trouble with school (I'm an international student) and was back in my home country. We had planned on doing long distance. A week or two into me being home, I started to feel weird, peeing a lot, sick in the morning, etc. I freaked out because my bf and I don't use protection besides birth control. I told him that if I was pregnant I would NOT keep the baby, I am too young to have a kid and I don't have my life together. He's broke, doesn't have a job, and is in medical debt. Besides that we're both in the middle of getting our degrees and I don't have a visa to live in the US with him. He told me we would 'figure it out,' or to give the baby up for adoption, but I'm not willing to put my body through a pregnancy just to give the baby away into a situation that might be worse. My parents have been clear from day 1 that they wouldn't support me if I got pregnant before marriage/before I could support myself, which was scary too. He kept saying that the baby has a life, but I feel like my life and future is important too, and I can't bring a baby into a situation like ours, it would be unfair for me and the baby. I told him to pick: me or the baby. He chose the baby. I took the abortive pill and he blocked me, said that the person he wants to marry would have had the baby with him. I'm going crazy thinking that the baby had more value to him than me. How do I get over this situation?
44 comments
That’s a very good reason to break up.
You do not have the same views in life. There is nothing wrong with that. That’s what dating id for. You just move on.
relationship over. its okay, it happens. youll be okay.
I know that’s it’s difficult rn and you’re going through a lot of complicated emotions, but abortion is one of the BIG moral differences that simply kill all compatibility between people. Some things in relationships are the deciding factor and this was simply his. To get over it? Just use this relationship as a lesson, because it would absolutely suck to be with someone long term and not have known how different you are morally.
I have a cousin that has 8 kids with 8 different women. Your ex did you a favour.
Better to find out now. Wave goodbye and take care of yourself!
How were you guys having unprotected sex and not talking about this topic and possible scenario beforehand? That’s an appropriate reason to break up with someone, and it’s also something
should’ve known about him before sleeping with him unprotected.
Girl you’re 21 forgetting about him
He doesn’t get to make that call, you do.
Having a fundamental disagreement on the question of kids/no kids and whether abortion is okay is a pretty good reason to break up.
Be glad that you found out this incompatibility before you legally tied yourself to this guy.
There’s a better match for you out there, OP.
Give yourself time and grace. Let yourself feel all the feelings. Make choices that center you, find a new hobby, schedule time with your friends and family, give yourself time to process this. Journal, talk it out with someone, write a letter you’ll never send and burn it, scream, cry, exercise hard. It’s okay to have a lot of feelings surrounding this whole situation. You found out the hard way you aren’t compatible, and that sucks.
Your choice is so valid and it’s hurtful that he wasn’t respectful that you (singular and you as a couple) weren’t in a place to be ready for a kid. Pregnancy has a huge impact on the body, on your time, on your life. Giving the kid up for adoption doesn’t negate those months, or the recovery afterwards. You’re allowed to want your partner to pick you. It’s not that you wouldn’t want a baby with him, just that you were looking at the situation realistically.
“I’m going crazy thinking that the baby had more value to him than me.”
That’s because he’s an irresponsible and misogynistic loser.
Trust me if you had kept the baby, he would’ve done nothing.
You would go through pregnancy, postpartum, nursing everything by yourself while he would sit in the US and brag about having a child.
He wouldn’t even be able to financially contribute.
It would also be completely unfair to the child to be born into such a situation where the parents aren’t equipped to take care of them.
You made the right choice. Good riddance to this disgusting asshole.
You two have completely different views on abortion and I don’t think you’re compatible as a couple.
It’s your life. Now find someone who is better for you.
Think it as life lesson. So many men want kids but have no intentsion to be a father and have no idea what having a kid and raising them actually looks like, I just think it as wanting proof they had sex. Now you have your eyes opened in what to look out for in the next relationship and hopefully find someone who is actually on the same page as you.
You’ll thank your lucky stars you didn’t stay with and have a baby with this man-child. As soon as you realize that the person you thought he was never existed, you’ll realize you literally lost nothing in losing him.
Honestly good reason to end a relationship
Going forward Please use condoms, they prevent STD’s as well as pregnancy. I’m related to and know/have known Many women that are mothers that used hormonal bc, also you have no idea where they have put that thing.
You’re better off without this asshole
Nah fuck that. If he’s willing to put a baby into a shitty financial situation like that, he’s not worth it. “Figuring it out” takes a lot more than just 9 months and hope and prayer
Good. Best they show themselves early.
Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t value your autonomy? The breakup was a good choice. Find better.
He didn’t value you as a person. He has a wildly unrealistic expectation of what is required to care for a child. You are significantly better off without him.
I’m sorry OP. He was a jerk. You made the right decision. He couldn’t have done much to help you in the US anyway with the baby so he just wanted you to have his baby and he wouldn’t have to do anything. You’re young and while I am sure this wasn’t easy for you, you need to prioritize yourself right now.
He doesn’t respect your needs, your body, or the reality of having a child. You have your head on straight. Ditch him.
You made the right choice for your future and dodged a massive bullet.
Not his body, not his decision. Better to get rid of him than be stuck with him. You did the right thing.
You have dodged a bullet.
I would always recommend using a condom – regardless of how the guy feels with it on. You are risking your health without using one. If someone cant respect that – walk out, and say goodbye. Same goes to men who force women to want to have babies that they do not want to have. How is he supposed to take care of a baby when he is not working, it is so irresponsible and inconsiderate. Lucky escape, I say, block him to.
Men can walk away easier then women can, so don’t be pushed to have a kid.
Obligatory: https://youtu.be/Vuw7cj2PvYQ
So much of the current conversation about abortion is a twisted political strategy started to sway and control an entire demographic into voting. That being said I think you made the best decision you could have in your position. Especially with the current state of US immigration, masked thugs brutalizing and killing people in broad daylight including pregnant women and children. They’ve moved to airports. How would you even return to the US? What if you came back to the US and got detained? What then? They Dgaf if you’re pregnant, you won’t find any support or mercy here does he expect you to just ignore all of that and hope for the best? I think it will take years to uncover the horrors that are happening right now in the detention facilities. Reporters aren’t even allowed near them, a few have gotten close and recorded women and children, screaming in anguish loud enough to be heard outside.
I read the subject line and said to myself “GOOD!”. You’re fine OP. Move on and enjoy your life!
You don’t owe anyone a relationship.
Also it’s okay to break up for any reason.
He doesn’t sound like a good dude. He definitely wasn’t showing good emotional support or maturity.
Realize he is no great loss. There are so many other men out there. You have so much time left to find exactly the right guy for you who won’t try to push you into major commitments you aren’t ready for.
At 21, most relationships are meaningless. You have your whole career to build up and lots of great financial opportunities ahead. With a baby in the way, it’s more difficult and this man would have been a pain the ass as a father figure. He’ll find his person and you’ll find yours. Focus on building your independancy first.
I want to say though, I’m happy that relationship is over for you, this is not a loss. Hopefully you’re well surrounded because an abortion, pill or not, can be a bit hard on sanity. It’s okay to feel emotional after all you’ll go through.
Don’t date an asshole who’s against abortions.
unfortunately, this is one of those situations that is only going to heal with time. you’re grieving the death of your relationship on top of whatever hormonal fluctuations are happening around you taking the medication you did (even if it’s the equivalent of a Plan B, those things STILL wreak havoc on your body and your hormones). take some time to care for yourself and focus on you, and surround yourself with people you know will be there to support you through this time (both the breakup and the pregnancy scare/abortion)
The propaganda against abortions is strong in the US. I agree with you that your life comes before a potential life. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not agree with that around here. I know it hurts, but you’re better off without him since he’s anti-abortion. He can’t be trusted to prioritize your health or the health of any daughters you may have in the future.
Realise he did you a favour and showed his true colours. You’ve had a lucky escape.
I am so sorry this happened to you but you now found out his values are very different from yours and you can find a better man who shares your values and hopefully has a job!
And just going to touch on something here, probably not a bad idea to have these conversations before getting serious/sexually active with someone. Would you have had sex with him if you’d known he was anti-abortion? I wouldn’t have sex with a man who is anti-abortion unless I was prepared to go through with an unplanned pregnancy and possibly end up a single mom.
it’s for the best, yall had different values and expectations for what your life looks like. you want to be with someone who is on the same page as you.
21 year old boys are not pro-life, they’re pro-control
You’ll get over it with time.
This is a fundamental issue that you’re not going to find a compromise on. I’d say he did you a favor. I know it hurts right now but it won’t hurt so much in time and you’ll be glad to be rid of him.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You made the right choice for yourself and yes, for the fetus.
Take time to process your grief and anger. Your anger will keep you functional as you process your grief, but after a certain amount of time, you will need to process the anger and eventually let it go. Only you will know when you are ready to do that.
Best of luck
You’ll be grateful when you look back on this situation.