The people I feel closest with tend to be the ones who have opened up to me about their deep hidden feelings, values, troubles, weaknesses, hopes etc; their truest self. So I would assume that for them to feel close to me as well, I would also have to reveal my true self to them.
My problem is I find it so hard to open up and be vulnerable around others. I've always had the belief that to be valued by others I need to be strong and well-put-together in many ways, and I'm afraid that if I open up to my friends about my weaknesses, issues etc then I will lose my value and appeal.
Is it possible to have close, understanding, long-lasting friendships while putting on a mask of perfection and hiding my flaws, or do I need to be more vulnerable? And if the latter, how can I open up without changing how much my friends value me?
3 comments
Following because that’s exactly how I feel
I mean, close relationships are built on trust and mutual shows of it. So yes. You can’t exactly have fully mutual relationships if they don’t know your true self.
The second part isn’t something you have direct control over. You don’t have a lot of control over how they react to your sudden personality change. But instead you filter for the ones who will stick around by being yourself and being okay with some of them leaving. Those parts of your personality are not mutually exclusive. And a lot of people can probably relate.
Now if you want long term casual friends then yeah it’s pretty doable.
Closeness and intimacy are inextricably linked to truth and vulnerability, so if you follow the path of this desire (long lasting friendship with your masked perfect identity) the inevitable result is that this is a self defeating behavior. The masking is self defeating because you’re desiring acceptance and closeness, and masking inherently interferes with that.
The value of the intimacy and closeness of the friendships that you have is exactly the fear you’re communicating: these are the people who accept you as you are.
You can chose to persue close friendships where you mask but you essentially will end up at the same place as where you started because you will not have a friend. You will have someone in your life who is friends with “that”, the mask identity. When you try to bridge that gap, the friend will likely be offended if you lied or kept them distant, because it’s deceptive behavior.
For your second question here, you cannot control how others feel about you and that is something that must be accepted.