First post, so please give me grace. I just feel like I'm at such a loss. Three weeks ago I walked into my bedroom, and found my husband sitting on the bed. Since this was uncommon behavior, I sat down next to him and asked him if anything was wrong. He took a moment to speak, but then told me he wasn't happy in our marriage, hasn't been for awhile, and wants a divorce. He told me he had been thinking about this for awhile, and had waited until a weekend day to talk to me, so that I could leave for my best friend's house if I needed space. Important context – my best friend lives in another state (roughly 5 hr drive) and we have three kids 13M, 9F, and 4F. He told me we could start filing on Monday, a mutual friend would act as a neutral third party for asset division, 50/50 custody, and we could have this done on roughly two weeks. He repeatedly kept emphasizing a request for me to not be combative.
I was blindsided. Yes, we have been going through a rough patch in our marriage, I won't deny that. But not even two weeks before this conversation, I had asked him if he felt like things were getting better, if he still wanted to be married to me, if he would do it all again if we could do it over – he said yes to all of these things.
That night, I went to my grandma's house because the red flags were waving and I was not going to cross state lines away from my kids. I texted him asking if he was 100% set on this? Couldn't we try a separation and counseling? Or some variation of both? He wrote back and told me that he has considered us separated for a year or more, so he doesn't see the point. Odd, right? I feel like I would remember that, wouldn't I? He is also adamant that he will not move out until the divorce is final, claiming it will be more stable for the kids.
I went home first thing the next morning to try to talk. Most of what he told me is hurts and grievances from over the years that he hasn't told me before. I hate that he's been hurting and am willing to take accountability/make changes, but if I don't know about things – how can I do that??
Since then I have discovered that he hasn't spoken to ANYONE about this. Not his friends, not his family, sure as hell not me. The mutual friend he volunteered to meditate our divorce – he had no clue. That alone scares me.
We've been having a lot of heavy talks about things, and I've written him several letters – mostly in the hope that he will be willing to at least try couples counseling. He finally agreed too attempt the counseling with the stipulation that he is still set on moving forward with a divorce, and he will only do discernment counseling, not traditional marriage counseling. We agreed to both look up providers and choose one to move forward with. In the same conversation that he agreed to try the counseling, he informed me that he had taken a half day at work the next day to start the divorce process. I admit – I freaked out. How do you agree to try counseling, and in the same conversation say that you want to get the process started? That seems so counter productive.
Overall, I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that doesn't make any sense. I feel like it's constant emotional whiplash as he changes what he's saying he wants. Ex: tell the kids now, tell the kids right before he moves out, therapy is pointless, open to therapy, suddenly being kinder and more physically affectionate than he has been in years, he's been planning, no he's just been researching.
Today I talked to him about the "considered us separated for a year or more". It's been really sitting wrong with me. Separations are intentional and with set guidelines. Basically, it feels like he have himself permission to check out of the marriage while still getting wifey benefits. So I asked him if he wants us to actually do a separation while we do this counseling. I explained that from what he has been telling me, plus the divorce request, it very much seems like he does NOT want me as a wife anymore. In which case, I will stop doing all the wife things that I have done for the last decade and a half. He was enraged. Immediately got defensive and told me I was telling him how he felt. I'm at a loss. I just was asking for clarity in this emotional shit storm. Any advice, Reddit??
**Edit**
Many people have pointed out the vagueness of my post, which I understand. I was mostly trying to give immediate details and ask for help processing.
Yes. We got married at 18 and had our oldest at 19. I always have felt lucky to "grow up" with my best friend. We put each other through college and now both have great careers.
We don't have a combative relationship, our middle daughter fondly refers to my husband as "the love of your life" when she's talking to me about him. They are used to affection between us – for example, my middle daughter demanded he kiss me last week because she said "you always kiss Mama and I haven't seen you kiss her all week" when he got home from work.
The hurts that he has mentioned have honestly mostly been – if he says something wrong I will bring it back up later in an argument, I'm not invested enough in his work, we don't have mutual hobbies, if he tells to me about something bothering him I flip it around on him. These things are all valid and no matter my intention I have hurt him. But I am willing to take accountability, and I don't understand why he held it all in for so long instead of just communicating so we could work towards repair.
I have asked him multiple times over the last 18 months if we should start marriage counseling. Each time he told me he didn't think we were at that point and that things were getting better. That's what I mean when I say I feel blindsided. I knew we weren't in a good place, but I was trying to repair.
Many of you have mentioned mental health or depression. I also was worried about this and even brought it up to him – both before and after the divorce request. Before, he got upset and accused me of calling him broken and the cause of all our marriage issues. After the request, I approached it differently and told him how concerning it was that he hadn't talked to ANYONE about this and was shouldering it alone.
Several have also recommended seeking therapy myself. Don't worry, I got that started within 3 days of the initial divorce conversation.
Thank you so for the advice.
24 comments
Get a lawyer to better advise you.
Might wanna speak to a family law attorney licensed to practice in your area to see what your options are. Best of luck đź‘ŤÂ
If it helps, he thought about this long before he said it. Although it is new and shocking to you, it’s not to him. I don’t know if that helps, but I hope you were able to navigate things smoothly.
first, get a lawyer. The fact that he is rushing this and also the fact that he wants to use a “friend” for asset division is a huge red flag. I would suggest you yourself start individual counselling, stop waiting for him to agree or be sensible. Its not going to happen. Your attorney is going to help you navigate the kids and the house and everything. The therapist is going to help you navigate the emotional stuff. You will be ok. He sounds like a total jerk, and i’m sorry this is happening to you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I’m about 98% certain that “considered us separated” is code for “I’ve been cheating”.
The fact that no one else, including the alleged mediator, knows about his grand plan is terrifying. I completely understand your concern about that.
I would assume he has an affair partner as a sounding board or he’s just been living inside his own head for so long he has no conception that reality might be totally different if he just talked it through with someone.
These are the actions of someone in denial who has a lot of inner work to do to confront and you’re not going to be the person to snap him out of it. He has to want to do it himself.
Lawyer up and protect yourself and your kids.
One of my oldest friends partner’s of 10+ years came home from work, told him it was over because he never supported her dream of moving to California*, packed a bag and left that night.
She had never expressed this dream. She had never once BEEN to California. She had told this life plan to no one.Â
My point is, sometimes people are fucking crazy. (*location changed for anonymity)Â
It’s over. He’s made up his mind long ago. You have kids so now is the time to secure finances and you can cry all you want when things are more under control.
No more letters. It’s wasting time. You can do this in therapy in the future. You’re in crisis mode. Start a budget. Figure out what you can afford and what you need. Log EVERYTHING. EVERY interaction with him gets logged somewhere.
Talk with him only about the divorce. You need to be on the same page about telling the kids.
Stop doing things for him. Concentrate all your energy on the kids and home and yourself for now.
Get a support group of family and friends. Talk to a lawyer asap
Do you have a FT job? Maybe talk about taking a little time off to process this.
He’s cheating on you. Lawyer up.
Thats a cheater right thur
Grant him the divorce but you file first and get a lawyer. Don’t talk to him anymore, don’t use friends as a neutral third party. He was probably not trying to trying to set you up by telling you to take the kids out of state but don’t do that, you’re right. Please just go forward with the divorce. I’m sorry. Don’t bother with couples counseling. You’re the only one who wants to save this so it won’t work.
Definitely get an attorney asap. I fear he may be trying to set you up (suggest you go out of state, ask your not to be “combative”, insisting he won’t move out).
He is no longer on your side so do not give him any ammunition that he can use against you.
Get your own lawyer, and don’t beg him to stay.
This marriage is over.
I speculate that he may have a person he is interested in romantically, or he soon will after you separate. Definitely get a lawyer and not a friend that will help with asset division, and be ruthless about the asset split. Time to tell your kids too. If you are a SAHM, you should get a job ASAP.
So sorry this is happening to you, but it will get better. Get your own therapist to help you heal and accept the changes.
Are you in a state requiring you to be separated a year to divorce? Do not move out, do not take advice from him and engage a good attorney.
You get a lawyer. Do not do this without one. It’s awful nice of his to already have figured out the logistics of the split but I wouldn’t trust him. You shouldn’t either. Also get yourself into therapy. You can’t fix the marriage but therapy will be helpful to get you through this. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do or could’ve done.
Sounds like he’s met someone else more than likely. You also should not leave the marital home as in some palces it can be considered abandonment.
Definitely stop giving him those wifely benefits. There is more going on. Possibly an affair, or more. His saying you’d already been separated a year is really odd. But do let him go, he seems quite cruel.
Get strategic and stop with the counseling. The fact that he’s been so secretive is scary.
Don’t let him run this thing or tell you how it’s going to be. Get a lawyer and start going on offense. Protect any assets that are yours, keep a journal or notes app of everything he says or does, and do not acquiesce without counsel. He’s been planning for a long time.
I’m sorry this is happening to your family. Please don’t rely on the internet for advice that has this big of an impact on you and just as importantly your kids.
First thing, do not be the one to leave your house. Second, seems very suspicious that your husband sounded like he has made arrangements before telling you he wants a divorce but didn’t even get the friend’s consent.
You are putting a lot of effort into getting counseling. While counseling in general is rarely a bad idea, you need to know how to protect yourself legally. Laws are different in every state and your husband has looked into this. You need the advice of a lawyer more immediately than you need counseling.
I’d stop “wifey duties!”
He’s been planning this and already made up his mind. Get a lawyer.
So many people are assuming an affair. I say- get a forensic accountant. He wants a “friend” to speed through asset division? That’s a huge red flag. Is he cheating? Oh yes. Is the cheating sexual? Maybe- but also maybe financial infidelity.
There’s fuckery afoot here. What are the odds he’s been cheating?
He 100% does NOT get to determine who lives in your house with your kids. He does NOT get to decide what custody will be. He definitely doesn’t get to tell you to move somewhere else, nor fies he get to decide the pace of this divorce. He’s trying to ambush you and use that shock to manipulate you into giving him whatever he wants. Don’t do it.
Get a lawyer and find out what your rights are. He’s been plotting for a while to do this.
Get a lawyer, stay in the house, file on HIM if he hasn’t on you, and make sure you get the custody and support you need.
You’re not spouses anymore. You are people going through a legal process. Don’t use his friend, don’t worry about what he needs. Get a lawyer and go for what’s fair and legal and best for you. Treat every interaction like a neural bland interaction. DO NOT RISE TO HIS BAIT.
He wants non-combative? Great. So do you. Give him legal efficient unemotional divorce.
The moment he said he’s done, he needed to be his own wife. You can’t kick him out (legally) but if he’s insisting on separation, give it to him. Now that he’s your roommate, chore charts are probably necessary. This includes 50/50 responsibility for the kids. Let go of managing tasks or schedules for him. It’s done.
The kids are old enough they’re going to notice immediately that something is up. Best tell them sooner than later. This should be a joint effort with no negative statements.
It’s now lawyer time. Get one asap. Figure out what you need to move forward. Don’t give him everything he wants to placate him, but don’t drag things out demanding more just to hurt him. He’s made a decision that will hurt him enough on his own.
And I want you to know that you’ll get through this. It feels like the world has been destroyed, and may take some time but you will laugh, smile, and be happy again.
You need to go to a lawyer as soon as possible. Do not take any legal advice from your husband who is your adversary.
Do not leave your home.
He can leave if he’d like to.
He’s probably having an affair. You need to tell his family what’s going on.